Paying for wedding ourselves. My SIL is horrified that we can't afford an open bar. Are we being tacky? ?

First of all, alcohol is not a requirement at any event.

Secondly, you should not go into debt to have the kind of wedding other people expect or want you to have.

Third, stop telling them the details; they are obviously going to criticize your decisions.

If this turns out to be an isolated incident with them; i.e. they don't bring it up again, then just let it go. If, however, they bring it up to you or your fiance' again, then something needs to be said. YOUR FIANCE' needs to say it! This is his family upsetting you and he needs to sit with them in private and tell them that unless they want to chip in financially to have the bar, then they need to keep their criticism to themselves.

Just brush it off. I think people who are offended with no open bar are the tacky (and that word is way overused on this forum) ones. I never expect an open bar at a wedding. If people want to drink alcohol then they should be willing to pay for it. They're supposed to be there share your day with you not show up for free booze. You do, in my opinion, however need to provide the 'toasting drink' - whether it's champagne or a signature drink, and some non-alcoholic beverages.

In fact, I only recall one wedding in my recent memory that didn't have a cash bar, and they decided that day to do open bar during the cocktail hour instead of 1 or 2 drinks per person because we were not going to meet the minimum bar tab - not as many people as they hoped for were able to make it.

Congratulations and best wishes.

Before I say anything else, I'll tell you that alcohol need not be served at your wedding. If you weren't planning to serve alcohol in any capacity at your wedding, or are providing other drinks, then politely tell your SIL that you're sorry she feels that way, but that's how it has to be and that she can do it her own way at her own wedding.

However, if you were planning on having a cash bar, I can tell you the following. Your sister-in-law-to-be is horrified because a cash bar is *never* acceptable at a wedding. It is *extremely* poor etiquette. I totally understand that you can't really afford an open bar because we paid for our own wedding, too. You have a few options here, though, that may not satisfy your SIL, but *will* satisfy your obligations to your guests.

You can cut down your guest list to where you can afford to pay for everyone's drinks. 120 people is quite a lot.

If you can't do that, then you can opt for only beer, champagne and wine served at your reception. Some places will help you come up with a bar budget for the number of people you're having, and then give you whatever money you don't use for the bar back to you.

Or, you can opt not to have alcohol served at your wedding at all. You don't *need* to have alcohol served at your wedding.

The bottom line is that you are obligated, as the bride, to provide all refreshments that will be available for your guests. You're just not obligated to get them all loaded.

If your sister-in-law to be is just ticked because she won't be able to suck down martinis all night, and you've used one of the above options, then tell her to stick it in her ear. Politely, of course.

Well, usually having an open bar goes part and parcel with hosting your guests for the reception.

We had a full buffet for 200 guests, and the alcohol for the full open bar for one hour for cocktails, then another six after dinner was nowhere near the food bill - the booze was in the high hundreds, whereas the meal was thousands. We brought in our own hard liquor and wine, and bought the beer from the hotel.

Yes, we paid for our own wedding, too.

I think you maybe haven't scouted around to enough locations. You need to find one which lets you BYOB!

As the host and hostess of the wedding it is YOUR responsibility to provide FOOD and BEVERAGES to your guests so at this time you have to make a decision . .

(a) Only provide non-alcoholic drinks and beverages (sodas, iced tea, lemondade, fruit punch, coffee and hot tea)

(b) Assume the costs for all of the drinks and beverages

(c) OR you can limit (and control) the amount of alcoholic beverages you will pay for by only having red or white and/or beer or only have the bar open a limited amount of time (one hour before dinner and one hour after dinner)

Asking your wedding guests to pay for their own beverages (and it does not matter if it is a soda or a glass of champagne or a mixed drink) is like asking your guests to bring their own turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy to your house for Thanksgiving dinner. It is inappropriate, rude, and shows poor taste.

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

This is kind of as a joke, but it might just put her in her place a little:

"I saw how upset you were that nobody was going to be able to get their drink on at our wedding, but as I told you before, our budget is just shot after paying for everything else. So as a suggestion if you're still thinking about what gift to give us, you could go ahead and phone the caterer and make arrangements to add on a bar. I've already talked to her and she can draw you up your own contract and everything. Here's her business card. Thanks so much for thinking of us."

Then give her the card and a little hug and get the heck out of there. With luck she'll be speechless.

Just brush it off. This is yours and your fiance's wedding -- not your future mother in law's or your future sister in law's. And, NO you are not being tacky.

Mortified? Horrified? Are they worried about what others will think about YOUR wedding? Good grief. If they are so disturbed by your choices, they could offer to help -- but even then I would suggest that you not accept any of their monetary assistance since it would complicate your plans. If you allowed them to help, they would instantly take over and start making all sorts of demands.

Let it roll off -- this is just the beginning of your new life with your husband, and unfortunately his family. There will be more things in the future that will mortify and horrify them -- believe me. You are wise to let them know now that you aren't easily intimidated or manipulated.

Best wishes.

Tell her to butt out! Its not her wedding and she's not paying for it. Why don't you provide non alcoholic beverages like tea, coffee, juice and softdrink and let your guests pay for their alcohol of they choose to drink? There no point going into debt over this. Brush it off. I think she's being really unfair, particularly if she is aware that you can't afford it. She doesn't have to attend if its going to be such a problem!

You can brush them off. Although I do drink, I hardly think alcohol is necessary at a wedding -- its purely optional, an add-on. I dont know why people think its required.

You are NOT being tacky for providing good food and dancing for your guests. If you had a Cash Bar, now that would be tacky!

You are going about this the right way, kudos to you! A good host provides the best for their guests within their means, and it sounds like you are doing just that.

You should have an open bar for non-alcoholic beverages.

An open bar for alcoholic beverages is purely optional. I don't see not having an open bar for alcoholic drinks as being tacky. I do see cash bars as tacky though.

Your fiance needs to tell them that you simply cannot afford to have an open bar.