Father not interested in son?

Question

Our son [ my step son ] is just turning 7 and his father has been largely absent from birth. Maybe once or twice a year he'll jet in , but for the rest never calls , never returns calls , never acknowledges the success' of his little son and never provided even an acknowledgement when he was in hospital. He doesn't provide his address or contacts and it's a constant problem to track him down.

The man is 61 , has been a biological father to at least 2 other children and paid them little attention [ if any ] in their  formative & growing years. He rarely or never makes even telephone contact with his grand kids.  I think a way of putting it is "he's not interested" in his children or family.

From our own points of view we wouldn't be bothered , but from my observation of other's growing up it is important to at least know who your father is , if possible  [ for some , sadly it's not ]. So bringing him into contact with his father will at least help understand who is father is based on his perceptions.

He does fantasise about him with regards to the very brief contact and giftts of the day.

How would you pursue this from our son's point of view? 

Would you keep going and pursuing him to try and preserve a meagre amount of contact,

scottie322 · Accepted Answer

You are right to do what you are doing by giving your son a choice.
His biological father may not have the parenting skills that you pocess and maybe if you have a Heart to Heart conversation about your son with him maybe he will see the light and want contact with him.
Please remember that the Biological father has choices as well so if he does not wish to contact your son or only wish to contact when it suits him that's his choice but all children like stability and order and if visits are on a regular basis it can only be good for all involved.
Good luck

Foxes · Answer

Treat him as you own son and let that be that.
Always be respectful of the biological dad.
The kid  may figure it out for himself..one day.

Doing the right thing is more important than being the "right" parent.

I'm glad the kid has you.

You never know..the bio dad may come around. I don't think (contact with the bio dad) it is that important if you are there for him. 

I always felt special in life ...even though my parents sucked at being parents...I had other people who loved me and were willing to help me.

Good Luck..but don't focus on the "bio Dad".  Kind of like Santa Claus.
No sense bursting the kids bubble. Kids fantasize all the time. Dont let it hurt you.

Far as the contact, If the kids has two parents..that is ALL he needs.
Biological means nothing, nada, zip, zilch.  

The kid needs guidance..and love. Chasing down someone to supply a meaningful interaction is a pipe dream. My Dad never wanted kids.
Some people are not the parenting type.
 
I would not pursue it but then I place zero importance on biological.
Means nothing...who is there for you, means something.

I'm technically a step-mom now. 
When our son visited as a teenager..which means he flew several states..my idiot husband walked out. He just walked over to a neighbors to have a drink and left the kid. NUTS. I was appalled. After that..when the kid visited, he would bring a friend with him. Luckily..the relationship has gotten much better over the years. 
In our situation there wasn't a step-dad.  The kids mom never remarried. 

It sounds like you want an ideal based on what you have or perceive.

Just be good to the little one.  And you can dis-own him when he is troublesome or quarrelsome..ha ha.

LEW · Answer

At 7, he's old enough to understand the basic facts, but too young to formulate a decision he may live with for the rest of his life.  I'd keep tabs on the old man and answer questions your son may have about him in a factual, not judgmental way.  Don't try to prevent contact between the two of them (unless you have reason to expect bad intentions).  As your son gets older, he'll understand everything you said above without you having to say much of anything.  Your son can only thank you for not thwarting the relationship, such as it is or may be, but not thrusting it onto him, either.  Just be the best step father you can.  By the way, I was adopted at birth and have no clue who either of my biological parents were, and a day doesn't go by where I don't wonder (not to mention worry about genes, etc.)  Good luck!

Ghostwriter1959 · Answer

With your son being only 7 and his biological father not carrying enough to be a factor in his young life.  I wouldn't push the issue, personally I would tell the man if he didn't want to be an active part of his son's life then sign over his rights so that a real daddy could nurture, care, love, and be a role model to him.  

For this guy to pop in and out of the boy's life when he feels the need to isn't right and only confusing not only now for the child but will create more anger issues later as a teen.  Rather then having your son fantasize about someone who isn't an active part of his life, wouldn't it be much better to have a real dad in his life who he can look up to, who would love and are about him?

Just my opinion but will tell you this much I'm adopted and I thank God for the man who came into my mom's life and who wanted to adopt me as his own son.

CateG · Answer

Your son's 7? Give him the option. He's young, not silly.
I realise it's a hard thing to watch (my kid's don't see their biological father, but have a loving stepdad), but your son sounds like he cares about his dad and may not want to stop seeing him, regardless of how rare the visits are. If you say it's always up to him (your son) whether he see's his dad or not, he'll ask you if contact can cease if the absence gets too painful for him. Your son will appreciate you giving him the respect (and acknowledging maturity) and power to decide
Good luck

Vera P · Answer

I guess things can get a little cloudy sometimes when you're trying to do the best thing you can.

In my opinion , maintain the contact as best you can , even though it's a big one sided effort.  Don't provide personal opinions on your son's father , but rather be objective so that your son, can over time have a balanced understanding of what his bio father means / doesn't mean to him.

My memories of inattentive relatives as a child were that they faded from my mind as time went by. It'll be his little / big challenge in life - make it work for him. Good can triumph out of adversity.

Love him as best you can , by whatever means you have available

Muhammad Faraz Quadri · Answer

7 years old Step son; Bio-father not interested: Never try to stop him, but try to love that child as much and note down his father's last visits, and make a schedule for the child to be very much busy in those times. [Keep in mind that the activities must according to the interest of the child] so the child himself try to avoid that man in those times and this will pinch that man. May he think about that and some better result emerge.

Apollo · Answer

No. It sounds like you are a good father to him. Be honest with him, and if is father makes the effort then facilitate their meeting, but it sounds like pursuing a relationship with someone that does not want it will only lead to dissapointment as with all other relationships. It sounds like he's better off without the man and will make do with other figures in his life that act in a fatherly manner. A selfish man like that will probably just hurt him or confuse him. Let your son take the lead...if he pursues then allow him to, but if not - don't force it.

mr pickle · Answer

I would just maintain your being casual about this bio. dad. Does not sound real hopeful it will amount to more than what it is.

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Father not interested in son?

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