How do I explain death to my 5 year old daughter?

Talking With Your Child About Your Cancer

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To tell or not to tell:

Honesty helps children establish and maintain a bond of trust. The truth, even when it is painful, is vital. If a child learns of a parent's deception, they will have a problem being comforted later by words/actions wondering if the parent is telling the truth. By being truthful, you can also feel assured that the child can be guided to accurate, healthy and hopeful interpretations of events and you can help them to learn coping skills.

Sometimes parents are fearful of telling the child about their cancer because they fear children will be overwhelmed. But, if and when there's a delay, or if it's a family secret, the child can build up resentment. In addition to the shock or dismay, children may also have to deal with anger. If they are not told, children as young as 4 and 5 will pick up on the tension in the home. Experts say that children who suspect parents of concealing something often imagine that the problem is even worse than it is because it is "too awful to be talked about." Children may also feel isolated from their parents at a time of tremendous stress.

Who should tell them?

The parent with cancer should tell their children--if they feel comfortable. It is OK to cry. Seeing a parent cry gives the children permission to cry also. If you feel you will be unduly upset, it might be best to have someone else tell them. You probably will know if you can be the one to tell them.

If you cannot tell your children, then a spouse, close relative, your doctor or member of the health care team can tell them.

When to tell them?

Once you receive the diagnosis and treatment plan, it is best to tell them right away. Tell your child what is wrong using simple terms they can understand.

What to tell them?

Give your child enough information to help them deal with their world. Provide enough facts to lessen their fears. Be as hopeful and positive as you can be.

Reassure them that they will be kept informed of any changes. Tell them how you will be treated and any side effects they will notice. Let them know if changes will occur at home and how they will be affected because of the treatment.

Tell your child that he/she will be taken care of while the parent is ill. Reassure them that their welfare/happiness is very important to Mom/Dad.

After telling the child, reassure them that they cannot "catch" the cancer from you.

Listen to your child and his/her reactions. Answer questions truthfully. It is OK to say, "I don't know." If your child doesn't talk or ask questions, don't push them.

Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your child. "I feel sad," "I feel angry," "I feel scared."

Reassure children, once treatment is completed, that you will tell them of any changes in your health.

Age Differences

3-5 years

The most stressful part of a parent's illness is the separation from the primary caregiver.

At this age children feel they have magical powers and what they wish will come true. They may blame themselves that a parent is ill, or about having bad thoughts about that parent. They need to know that nothing they have done caused their parent's illness.

Children in this age group do not understand the concept of death.

Points to remember:

Children are good observers, but poor at interpretation. (Example: Grandpa went to the hospital and died. Daddy is going to the hospital so he will die too.)

Instead of dwelling on uncertainty, focus on the hopeful facts: "everything possible is being done, Mommy is young and strong and can get better."

If you never show a child your feelings, chances are they will not show theirs either. Covering up strong emotions in this instance, may not always be a good idea. A child may become frightened of his/her own feelings instead of accepting them as being OK.

Take your children's feelings seriously. It is common for children to have many different reactions when they are told a parent has cancer. These can include anger, sadness, guilt, fear, confusion and even frustration. Let them know it is OK for them to have lots of different feelings.

When the news is really hard...

Even when a parent's prognosis is really poor, it is still important to speak truthfully. If a child asks a parent if he or she is dying, a parent can answer that, "I'm not dying right now. Many people with this kind of cancer die, but some people get better. I'm doing everything possible to be one of the people who gets better." Parents also may want to simply explain the medical treatments they are receiving and how they may make the parent better.

Along with honesty and reassurance, parents should watch for signs that their children are not coping well. These signals, according to experts, include a prolonged change in mood or personality, decreased appetite, withdrawal from friends and family, acti

Well first of all, my sincere condolances. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through.

I think how you handle this depends on what you believe happens after you die. If you're a Christian, or have any kind of faith or believe in an afterlife, now would be a great time to talk about it with your daughter. And as a plug, if you don't, now would be a great time to talk to someone about it yourself.

If you don't believe in heaven or an afterlife, then just stick with the facts. Tell her that your body, like every living thing, wasn't designed to last forever, and sometimes bodies get very sick and die sooner than others. Make sure she knows how much you love her, and make sure she has plenty of pictures of you so that she can remember you. You might want to write a letter or several, that your sister can give her when she's older. Again, I'm so sorry for your situation.

My father passed away when i was 3.5 yrs old, I don't really remember him and I doubt that your daughter will remember a lot of you when she grows up.. I am sooo sorry about your diagnosis, it must be really tough even though you have found your peace with it.

Like everyone has mentioned, just explain that you will always be with her in mind and spirit and that you Love her. There is no easy way to explain your situation.

I saw this great episode on Oprah.. It was about a mother who was dying so she recorded messages for her child to see in different sages of her life, eg. when she becomes a teenager what she should look out for when dating. When she turns 16 perhaps your daughter can give er a gift that you picked out (bracelet with a charm ) when she turns 18 another small charm fro the bracelet or a small token, when she gets married another charm and perhaps a letter so that she knows you are with her on her special day even if it is in spirit.... At least you still have time to do these small things so that you are never forgotten.

It will mean the world to her. I know time is running out but think of your child and her future....

I am so sorry..this is a very tough situation. LIke the first poster said- it really all depends on what you believe in. If you are at all spiritual tell her that you're very sick and that you are in fact going to pass away but not to worry because the angels are taking you to live with God. If you aren't spiritual then talk to her about death and how it happens to everyone, some sooner than others. Tell her you love her and will miss her and that her Auntie is going to love and take care of her.If you can- try to buy her a special gift for Christmas. Maybe a necklace that says daddy's little girl so she can feel close to you that very special day. (or for whatever you celebrate)

Give her lots of pictures, and write a few letters she can get on her birthdays (provided by her aunt) especially the big ones like her 13th, 16th, 18th and 21st. Write a letter to be read on her wedding day and the day she gives birth to her first child. Above all...spend time with her now, lots of it. Take her out of school for a few weeks and love on her so much. Have fun if you can.

I'm trying not to bawl as I write this because this is such a sad situation. Take care now- and go hug your little girl.

Explain in terms she is familiar with. You have cancer (she might not understand cancer, but she does understand being sick). Your doctor says that soup and medicine won't fix you and soon you will die. Use the word death, it may be hard, but she needs to learn it. And then explain the word as something along the lines of going to sleep forever. And that you won't ever be able to wake up because you're so sick.

And tell her that you love her and will dream about her every day while you are asleep.

And, I'm not religious, but if you are or if you want your daughter to be, I agree with the other posters, now is the time to show the comfort heaven/reincarnation/god/etc. can bring.

Dear Friend, i am certainly stunned at the very thought of you not being with your daughter & other family members (as you have explained earlier). We cant change our destiny but there is someone out there, a Supernatural force who has given us the wisdom to make some decisions.My condolensce to you.

One of my humble advise to you is to turn to God while you still have some quality time whether you are a Christian or you belong to a Muslim Community. But i would suggest that you should study Islam and if possible meet some Good islamic Scholar.It is my very believe that when you are heading for another journey you should also prepare yourself for what ever comes ahead of you.It could be a bit hectic and sounds frustrating, but if you give it a try now, perhaps you will understand.

From one of the Cancer Blongs i was studying recently : -

"I sat in the car outside our home for quite awhile, trying to stare through the walls of the house from the inside of my car. My children were in there, waiting for me to get home, waiting for dinner and all the routine that our family moves by. Just another day. I wanted to capture what our ordinary everyday life looked like, freeze frame it in my mind, because in the next five minutes, the life we had always known together would be gone."

How do you tell your children you have cancer?

According to the Family Doctor, many parents do not want to burden their child with worries and fears, so they may choose to keep the truth from a child in hopes of protecting them from pain. But even the youngest child can sense when something is wrong. If they do not know the truth, they may imagine that things are worse than they are, or they may think that they have done something causing problems in the family. Ultimately, how much you decide to share with your child will depend upon the age of the child.

If you decide to tell your child about your cancer diagnosis, be sure to include reassurances there are many people who care about and love them, and they will never be alone in this world. Family Doctor suggests you try to stay upbeat, but also be realistic and honest with your child. It is okay to tell your child that you do not know exactly what is going to happen and promise to keep them informed if anything changes.

If your child worries they have caused your illness, you might ask your physician to talk with your child about cancer. If you are concerned your child may not be handling emotional issues well, you may consider finding a support group for children who have a family member with cancer, where they can voice their fears and share experiences with other children. And above all, try to keep the family routine as normal as possible. Routine, and the sameness to the days as they were before your cancer diagnosis, is very comforting to a child.

May you not have that length of time of sickness on you over the coming years Ameen!

Are you serious because according to your profile, you are concerned about getting a job and a GED so you don't go back to jail and if your working out enough (based on your VERY recent questions). if you are serious, you need to tell her that your body is your house, daddy lives inside the house. When you die, your house, the body, will stay here but daddy, who lives inside the house will go to heaven (if you believe that). It depends a lot on what you believe. if you believe that you'll die and be buried and that's it, well it's hard to comfort her with that. You need to make sure you spend all the time you have with her, maybe tell her you have to take a trip into the sky and will not be coming back. I am not too sure as I don't know what you believe. But say something, you don't want to leave it all on your sister, she will have her hands full after your gone helping your daughter cope with you being gone.

Prayers.

Write a letter to her and it should only be given to her after your death. Tell her how much she meant to you and that you will always watch over her and explain then what had happened. Anything you wish to tell her in a positive way should be in that letter. Or you can write it as though you are writing from heaven. She will cherish that letter forever. Maybe tell her that everyone in heaven are carrying candles for their loved ones at home and yours keep going out because her tears keep putting your candle out. Talk to her about her high school years and college and married life. That letter will mean so much to her.

I will be praying for you. Take care....

It's really almost impossible. Children at this age don't have the intellectual capacity to understand the permanency of death. They think only bad people die or very old people die. They don't understand that they themselves could die or that parents could die.You really need to speak to a professional for the sake of your daughter b/c she'll need the help after your gone.

I am very sorry to hear that you are diagnosed with brain cancer.

Be honest and say that you are sick...try to explain in simple words what is going with you, also how you feel. She will not really grasp it all, but at at least she has heard it from YOU and can think and ask you questions...