I need some help with a bridesmaid?

Personally it seems that you understand how different people feel about the duties of a Bridesmaid. She is your best friend in all the world and you can't imagine getting married without her. I agree with that and don't feel you should even consider having her backout. But as her best friend you love her for who she is. And who she is is a bit self conscious and flaky. That being said I think you need to give her your list of things that are really important to you.

I never asked my bridesmaids for all that stuff. I asked my sister to help me find the bridesmaids dress as she had the hardest body to fit. We had completely different schedules and I didn't expect her to drop everything for me. I went to a place and wrote down about 5 I wanted her to try on and put them on hold. Over the next 2 days when she had time, she tried them on and took pictures. Then she tried on about 4 suggestions to give me. Things she liked and looked good on her. As I HATED how she looked in all of my suggestions and absolutely loved how she looked in one of her choices, so I went with hers. I had the rest of my bridesmaids look at a picture online. None of them threw a fit about it so Poof decision made.

I never expected my bridesmaids to help with favors, looking at invites, and all the other "duties" you mention. In fact, I'm rather shocked you consider those all to be important duties. So I think you should sit down with her and explain that this is really important and here are the things you consider Most Important that she make time to do with you.

Now understand that this is not her wedding nor the most important day of her life. She has a life and while she cares a lot about you, she will never care as much as you do. Don't expect that of her. Don't create a list that involves her spending one day every week on your wedding. That's unrealistic. Make sure the two of you agree on what is realistic expectations.

I know you want to hang out and have fun but recognize that watching you try on dresses, watching you look over invites like its the most important decision in the world and having her trapped trying on maids dresses while you sit and judge if you like that dress IS NOT fun. I know it is to you, but to her this is torture. She suffers it for you out of love but don't confuse that with fun for her.

Sit down and seriously discuss what you would like from her and what she can do--but things do come up. Her life. I mean I'm not sure what exactly you are talking about in this case. My sister is an extreme flake so I know something about that person who Oops something came up means I accepted dinner with this hot guy and completely forgot you existed and that we already had plans. Verses the bride's that make Brideszilla who scream What do you mean you had a flat tire and can't make it? Don't you know we had plans? You can't just skip out on programs b/c of a flat tire. Like I said--I'm not sure how it is in your situation but do think carefully that you aren't being irrational about how much devotion she should have to your programs. And that you are showing as much interest in her life and what is important to her right now as you want her to show in your wedding.

As far as her being unavailable, yep. She's flaky. Each time she does that don't be hurt (unless she is doing that every single time after you've discussed how important it is to you) but realize your best friend is flaky. And you love her for it. Every bride thinks she would be doing EVERYTHING for her if the situations were reversed. But actually Brides pick their single friends not the married ones who would understand. And when the situations are reversed, you won't think that way at all. You'll think "I remember how much she cared about my wedding". It's all perspective. No one cares as much about the most important day in your life as you do.

You have multiple sisters, a mother and a best friend. Split the duties you want help with evenly. Everyone isn't required to help with everything and if you are only asking for help once in a while, they won't feel obligated to run away.

proud mama beat me to the punch! your pal is suffering from fear of being compared to the 'pretty' girls, the 'skinny' girls, in the wedding party. and i think that you really need to tell her that you don't think shes 'fat', you want her in your party, and you won't take no for an answer! tell her you want her to join in and be part of it all because you love her, and you know she'll add a great vitality and joy to all the shopping, the 'chores', the wedding itself!

now if you don't like the idea of letting the girls choose dresses on their own, then take her out shopping just the two of you, and make it really fun.

i would suggest an empire waist style, its a style that suits almost every woman and hides a multitude of 'issues' we women think we have! its a very feminine style, pretty and romantic, and if you choose one in layers of fabric or a light weight fabric it floats as you move making it even more romantic looking! an A-line style would work well as well. but nothing clingy - that will make even her more self-conscious!

if you are having your girls in long gowns, then perhaps she would be far more comfortable wearing palazzo pants, they are very dressy and are available in lots of colors and fabrics. the style of them makes them look like skirts. that may make your pal feel even more comfortable. you can find gorgeous bustiers, blouses, all manner of tops that are range from extremely dressy to casual.

if you and she can find a dress/outfit/whatever on your shopping trip then the other girls can work around the ensemble you've chosen for her.

i have no doubt she will be there to do the programs, the favors, etc. because it won't involve standing in front of strangers in the bridal shops and [in her mind] being compared to the other girls in your bridal party. doing the 'work' part is at home, casual and totally comfortable for everyone.

so go talk to her alone. with a good friend like you she'll come around and she'll enjoy the entire ritual! good luck and have a very happy wedding.

My cousin who was in my wedding is a bigger girl, so I understand how she probably feels. She was constantly worried that she would ruin my wedding because she is "fat" (her words, not mine). I had to tell her that I chose people that I love dearly, not because of how they look.

Let me tell you what really worked... I let them all choose their own dress... they just had to let me know which one they wanted before buying it, just in case it was horrid (none were). That made a HUGE difference. I had three girls. The smallest was a size 4 the largest was about an 18 or 20.

What I kept hearing from people was how nice it was to see all the girls in a dress that suited them. And they all chose their own hairstyles, etc. They all looked beautiful.

For a larger girl, it can be mortifying to think of being up their in front and being compared to a small girl in the same dress. I am sure we all have those thoughts... of how such and such dress looks so different on the big girl...

Consider going dress hunting, just the two of you, and consider letting each girl choose her dress. I promise you that it still looks completely pulled together in the pictures.

She's gone shopping with you twice already. I'd call that a good effort. Just because she hasn't made it to the additional shopping trips I wouldn't kick her out of the wedding party.

Make a list of all the responsibilities that you want her to do for your wedding and give it to her ASAP. Let her look them over and then ask if she'll have any problems with it. Give her a chance to back out if she wants to. Otherwise, keep her in the wedding.

Good luck!

Sweetie,

It may very well be she has an issue with her self-image, not all of us are comfortable in our own skins no matter what we wear and why we are wearing it....

Perhaps she rather be an honored guest...or participate by giving a reading so she can wear whatever she feels she looks good in, and doesn;t have to go try dresses on with other girls....your maids may not be comparing their bodies to each other (yeh, right, what woman doesn't) but I guarantee she is and in her eyes she falls far short....

As long as she is there to share your day, does she really have to be in the bridal processional to show her support and friendship?

...or maybe she doesn;t have the money.....it can be expensive.

So perhaps you need to evaluate what is truly important to you, and the criteria of what you consider the ways a friend should show friendship & support...for me, it's just being there...a matching dress, bouquet, and marching with other gals down the aisle with me is not my criteria.

You need to tell her that the 2 of you need to talk, make sure she knows that it is extremely important. If she makes excuses, than try just showing up at her house to talk to her. Talk to her when its just the 2 of you so she doesn't feel ganged up on.

Tell her that you don't want this day to happen with her involvement, but there are somethings thats shes going to have to fit into her schedule. Tell her that this is supposed to be the most important/special day of your life and you need everything to be perfect, including the bride party's appearance.

Make sure you stay calm and let her know that you're not upset with her. Find out if maybe there is a reason she keeps making excuses. Tell her that you're concerned.

This day is about you and your husband to be. So what if someone is a little upset with you. If shes a true friend she'll make this day as perfect as possible for you.

Good luck!

Tell her she will come for a fitting/try on session or she could not be available to be your bridesmaid either....

you cant get married with a bridesmaid in jeans and a t-shirt....

ya know.....

Oh Please! Just dump her, she's too high maintenance.