Guys - If you got custody of your children...?

Of course it's impossible to say how all men would behave, but I have two examples.

The first is a guy I've spoken about here before. He was in a highly paid skilled job, but married to a woman with D&A issues. They had four kids, one of which she had from a previous relationship. The wife was sent to prison and he felt he couldn't continue the marriage. He asked him mum to come live with him to 'help out' (in other words, be the mother to the kids), but she wasn't able to due to her failing health.

So he quit his job, went on the supporting parents benefit, adopted the kid which wasn't biologically his so there was no chance of having him removed and sent off to state care, and became one of the best dads ever. The house is spotless, the kids are well cared for, he has learned how to use a sewing machine to make things for the house.

He gets somewhat more support than many women in the same situation, but does not take it for granted. Most of his former work mates have peeled off, but the ones that have stayed are gold. The family don't have a lot of money, but they have a lot of love and he is the reason for it.

In the other example, the parents separated and the wife got custody. These people lived at that time in a remote rural area. The husband agreed to pay an amount for the kids, but often 'forgot' to make the payments. He also complained friends and family that she 'kept the kids from seeing him', even though he frequently 'forgot' to pick them up at weekends, leaving them sitting in the lounge room all day with packed suitcases.

Then, the ex-wife's father bought her a second hand car, and soon after she got a solicitor's letter saying that as she could afford 'luxury' items like a car which 'did not directly benefit the kids', no further child support would be paid to her. She knew her only option was to take him to court, face years of fighting him for every penny and of being treated like a thief every time she bought a new dress or something for the house. She calculated how much she received on the pension versus how much she could earn, minus child support. She knew her husband lived in a newer, better house than hers, in a development near the river, with good access to schools and facilities like the mall.

She told the kids to pack their bags, and with a heavy heart drove them to their dad's door, arriving just as he and his second wife were welcoming guests to a pool party. She was forced to explain the circumstances of her decision in front of everyone. Feeling belittled and sad, she left.

That evening, the ex-husband arrived at her door with the kids in tow. He angrily told her that the children could not live permanently with him. Afterwards, he still frequently 'forgot' to visit his kids (a pattern which continues through to this day), but he never missed a beat with child support payments, and regularly indexed them without a murmur.

The fact is, men or women who care about their children will do anything for them, even at the expense of their own material success or macho pride, and people who care only about themselves will continue to behave that way, whether they have kids or not.

Those who take 'pride' in avoiding child support responsibilities and figure they are 'owed' because one of their sp3rm made it all the way are always going to put themselves first, regardless of who else has to pay for it.

That's the way of the world.

Cheers :-)

Custody IS biased toward the mother because Dads have usually been the income producers---getting the better salary, and been away from home more for it.

I personally don't think that either parent should be putting their child in day care. It's sad that people are getting together and making children but can't stay together just a few years until the child goes to school. How's that compatibility again?

I think BOTH parents can be there for their kids if they really want to at this time period. Most everyone has either been through this crap as a kid or themselves as an adult, so there is much more understanding.

Personally I have tons of respect for a guy who takes on a woman who has children that aren't his, and cares for all.

Well, for either gender unless one makes a lot of money, the single parent would probably HAVE to go back to work full time. Part-time pay just wouldn't support a house and children. So either parent would have to work full time to pay the bills and for custody. Unless, of course, they were getting child support from the other parent (which often does not pay enough to really help the single parent anyway).

But, of those single fathers I do know, they do change their lifestyle to accommodate their children. Although they may not work PT, they usually take less over time and are more willing to call out of work when their kids are sick or have doctor appointments (or don't have school). THAT'S a huge sacrifice right there because the more an individual calls out of work, the less likely they have a chance for promotions or raises. So the single parent has to sacrifice their career for their children.

And I think both genders, when they have kids, are often willing to do that.

Wow! glad you asked, the answer is yes....I'm a full time single dad and a full time employee of the school that they (my children) attend. Maybe my circumstances are different from most working dads because my hours at work fit nicely with the kids schedule, but it is not really a coincidence, as I made it happen that way, and even before I started teaching, I was able to find ways to support myself and children and spend every minute of available time with them. I think most of the divorced guys I meet would love to have custody of their children. Good parenting doesn't flow from mammary glands.

If I could afford to yes, but if not I'd have to work out some day care.

As it happens I was raised by my father, and I never went to day care that wasn't a neighbor that my father had known already.

Most people can't afford to have one parent work and the other stay home full or part time. You have to figure it out.

I know one guy who got sole custody of his daughter when she was 2 years old; her mother is unfit. He received no child support. He stayed home with her full time and was supported by public aid. When his daughter started school, so did he, taking classes while she was in school. She's twelve now, and he will graduate in May. So by this example, yes. He completely changed his lifestyle to accommodate his child.

I would keep my job, If I could afford a comfortable standard of living I probably wouldn't go that extra mile for a promotion but instead spend more time with my kid. As for when I'm at work I'd let the child's grandparents have him/her, I am sure they would love to take such an active role.

I would not expect any financial help from the mother.

someone has to work. is it really possible to give ur kids the best life u can give this by working part time when u could be working full time as somethign that will make u tons of money aand provide the kids with fun toys, good clothes and stuff.

That's a tough one... I'd certainly be WILLING to go to part-time for my kids, but I don't see that paying the bills. Adversely, paying for a child to be in full-time daycare almost negates the benefits of that... I guess I'll stay married and not deal with it. ;)

nope, l just look at it as I have a very expensive nanny, but I get my kid's anytime I want and sometimes when I don't, so everything kinda works out well for me, I'm sure others are not as fortunate as me and all's I can say is sorry bro, go check the price of a nanny quit crying and try to get along with your x and maybe you'll see your kids more