Have any adoptees had to "break-up" with their (adoptive) family?

yup. thanks for this question.

left home at 17

my story in depth w/ photos:

http://adopted-abused.com/nl/content/murderous-tho...

how i struggle with my feelings about my mother:

http://adoptionsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/06/a...

When I truly gave up on them:

- i worked my way up out of welfare, went to college full time while working half time and raising two kids, and got accepted to graduate school at Yale. My parents refused to fill out Yale's paperwork required of all parents. In this case it was merely a formality, because scholarships would have covered everything above my student loans. But they were convinced I was going to steal their retirement. so much for the promise of opportunity in america through adoption.

that's when i just couldn't even bear to talk to them on the phone. i just couldn't bear having nothing to say and hearing their rhetorical "i love you" at the end.

- when my siblings didn't want me to attend my mother's memorial service that's when i wrote them all off forever.

i'm really only bitter about losing my chance to go to Yale, because i'd achieved acceptance there entirely through my own hard work and determination, only to have my parents destroy that opportunity. all the rest i merely think of with sadness.

i never really got a family, so i don't miss them at all. i got a pretend family that played the part very well. i don't hate anyone in my pretend family because they are clueless and emotionally bankrupt. i can only try to be a better person than they are and i feel sorry for them.

the adoption agency just handed out kids to whoever was christian, had a steady job, could balance a checking account, and could paraphrase adoption rhetoric. i'm glad there are criminal background checks now, and i'm glad there are classes to educate adoptive parents. but more needs to be done, because adoption rhetoric prevails and too many people are adopting to fill a hole in their bankrupt lives.. no child should get a rhetorical family. every child deserves emotionally rich parents, instead of emotionally bankrupt parents. every child deserves a real family. not a superficially perfect family like mine. it makes me sad for the children. it really is no surprise that families become estranged.

As much as you would like to dismiss the adoptees who are not pleased with adoption, you should understand that we didn't alienate ourselves, and that most of us desperately wanted our adoptions to be a success. Much can be learned from following the pathology of what we experienced and what we've learned. We understand the nuances because we've been studying this pathology all our lives. We can tell you when and how relations head south.

the value of the abused voice:

http://adoptionsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/31/t...

Hi Phil~

Thanks for asking this question. It's sad to see that other adoptees have had similar experiences. = (

I first cut ties with my a.parents for about 6 months because my a.mom continually pressed me to relinquish my 1 year old daughter after her dad & I divorced (I was 18).

I cut ties a second time when I was about 19 for the same reason. When I refused to relinquish, my a.mom threatened to have her taken away, called social services claiming neglect, tried to enlist my daughter's dad & paternal grandmother in her efforts. Other than a visit from a social worker, nothing came of her (false) allegations. The second break lasted a little over 6 years. During that time my daughter grew, I graduated college (on my own as a single parent & the only 1 in my a.family to graduate college) and I remarried.

Finding my 1st mom sparked a reunion with my a.parents. We remained in touch for the next 14 years. Things became strained when my a.parents asked me to leave my son out of our family "reunion". He has autism...and really my a.parents never accepted my kids as their grandkids. Very sad.

Two days after my father died (w/in a month of our family reunion), my a.mom left a message on my voice mail telling me to stop calling her. It's been almost 12 years. She reluctantly agreed to my adoption to please my dad. I guess once he died, our reason for putting up with each other did as well. She was (still is) mean spirited, and verbally & emotionally abusive (as well as physically when I was a kid). So I can't say I miss her. Actually, I'm a much healthier person with her out of my life. I wish her all the best, hope she finds peace, but want nothing to do with her.

I do, however, still have a relationship with both a.siblings (her bio kids). At first they didn't understand. Eventually I had to explain to them just enough of the history to "get it". They don't ask me why anymore.

Thanks to everyone for your answers! Hugs~

I know of two adoptees that did.

A girl I've known for ages...never bonded with her single adoptive parent. She was biracial and her amom was a white,obese, social worker who had self esteem issues and my girlfriend was always embarrassed to be seen with her. After she went off to college she barely if ever spoke to her amom. She also practically lived at my house for a few years.

A friend from college was told he was adopted when he was around 23. I think I was one of the few people he shared this with. He was raised to think he was Jewish on top of it. He abused drugs, suppressed his feelings and I remember how he used to always say he had I high tolerance for pain. He was one of those functioning drug abusers and I tried to get him to go NA meetings. His aparents are deceased now but he pretty much isolated himself from them after discovery.....he got a huge inheritance and has been in reunion with his natural family who lived less than 20 miles away. His nparents ended up getting married. They told him that he was placed because they were not married, there were no jobs to be found, and they were Catholics....it was during the mid 60's. He hates religion now as well.

Adad died of cancer when I was 21. He was THE person in this world who loved me best, loved me just because I was there and needed/wanted to be loved. I loved him dearly, and I miss him terribly. I can't imagine ever having to break ties with him.

Amom remarried some years later. Sadly, her new husband is not a nice person. Once when they wanted to visit (and stay in my home), I politely explained that #1 amom would have to act a little bit like a grandma to my kids and #2 her husband would have to behave himself. Mom said that they would not visit...and we have not spoken to each other since.

I don't think this estrangement occurred because of my adoption. However, I do think that our ability to walk away from each other and firmly close the door IS related to my adoption.

Having no relationship with either of my aparents is a small part of why I was willing to risk searching. If adad had been alive, I don't think I would have searched...not sure though...it is hard to imagine what I would have done if things were different. I have not told any one in my afamily that I searched. Although I have no contact with amom, I know the information would eventually get back to her...and I don't want to hurt her feelings without also having the opportunity to personally explain my motivations.

I cut ties with my afamily after they discovered I was pregnant, my amom thought she still had a right to decide for me, and insisted I place my baby up for adoption. I didn't agree, didn't go running home, she disowned me, I didn't speak to her for 3 years.

I then decided to write her a letter detailing how I'd felt over the years with the emotional abuse and her anger. We started trying to form at least some kind of relationship. We had another falling out when she lost her mind over my xH and I getting divorced, she felt I should stay with him and just turn a blind eye to the infidelity. Today, we are amicable, we talk once a week, and I think thats the most either of us could ask for. She loves her grandkids, and is now horrified that she even insisted on adopting my oldest out. But I am still very wary of her, and I dont think she has the foggiest notion on how to handle me.

You don't (generally) get to pick your family but you can pick your friends. As an adult that rule changes allowing you to decide what type of relationship (if any) you want with your family.

I contact my (adopted) Mom once or twice a year out of a sense of duty. Do I want to have a relationship with her beyond that? No. She was miserable and did everything in her power to make my life miserable.

My brothers I tend to talk to more often. Though throughout my life even those relationships were tenuous at times as an adult I have found the value of those relationships to be important.

The best way for me to describe my relationship with my aparents, is that it is 'managed'.

There were several times in my life where I considered cutting them out, but they have improved their behavior pretty dramatically in recent years, especially since I've had children.

Things that help me 'manage' the relationship with them: I accept their limitations. I don't put myself "out there" emotionally, trying to be what they want me to be. I expect little, therefore I am not disappointed. I live in a different region of the U.S. than they do, so I only see them once a year, if that.

Like Botz, my nmother has been alternately devastated that they were abusive parents to me, and often frustrated that I don't cut them off. At this point in my life, I want as little drama and emotional upset as possible, so I have decided to keep it light. I don't rake them over the coals, talk about the past, etc.

I want the next part of my life to be tranquil, so I 'manage' what comes in, and what I put out.

Yep.

Growing up in my adoptive family was painful. I believe they adopted me to keep up with the Joneses, and sometimes regretted it. They always made sure to make sure I knew and everyone around us knew I was adopted. "This is my ADOPTED daughter." They treated me very differently from their bio kids.

And of top of that was physical and emotional abuse. Fun!

It took a long time, but I was finally able to distance myself emotionally and physically from them. Through lots of therapy. I broke it off with adad through a letter. I did the same with my amom on the phone. Several years and some great books later (Google Toxic People), my asis & abro were out too.

The strange thing is that it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm barely sad about it. Any interaction with them used to leave me either hysterical or drained. I don't have that now.

In a perfect world, I could've changed them, or somehow learned to live with them the way they were. But I learned that it's OK to look out for yourself, and unplug from people who are toxic to you.

Best of luck Phil. ;)

Andie

I have.

The details of the "why" are, indeed, very personal.

The summary is this.

Part 1:

They don't love me. They don't even like me. They neither like nor approve of my husband. They don't approve of most aspects of my life.

Part 2:

They were abusive to me as a child. They were abusive to my younger sister as a child. Even though they stopped abusing me and my sister before I was of legal age (I was bigger than one by age 10 and stronger than both by the time I was 14 and I "stopped" them), they never felt or expressed any remorse. They, to this day, deny that they did anything wrong and/or deny that the ACTUAL things they did ever happened.

Part 3:

We never 'bonded'. We never 'attached'. They blamed all of that on ME, even though I was an INFANT at the time. They have a bio-daughter (I am female, too) who is perfect in every detail as far as the parents are concerned. I am as unlike her as humanly possibly in every way except gender...and sexual orientation I guess, if I'm being specific. She has given them their every fondest wish and dream as a daughter. They don't "need" either of their other daughters (myself and my younger also-adopted sister). I have come to have true JOY in the fact that I am so unlike my a-sister (their bio). I would not want to be like her. I would not want any real attachment or similarity to the parents. I was not able to feel that as a child. I felt like a freak, a monster, a mistake.

Part 4:

They are totally dishonest. Their deceitfulness is so ingrained that they are dishonest even when there is no (bad) reason to be. They lie about meaningless, mundane things. It's so much deeper than a 'habit'. They are manipulative, controlling and completely self-serving. Their dishonesty permeates every bit of that.

Conclusion:

I don't need or want them, either. I choose to not include their toxicity in my life. I don't 'miss' them -- I am at peace. Disapproval of my every move, thought, action, choice...of my very being is not something I am willing to 'submit' to any longer to allow someone to feel better about himself/herself or for another's entertainment. I have (somehow, despite my constant environment for 18 years) found a good, decent, honest relationship with my husband. I have developed and nurtured it 'around' my a-family for too long. It has taken a toll and it is OVER. I will never again risk the well-being of sound, healthy primary relationship over a misguided sense of duty or obligation. I give my husband all the credit (and all the love and respect I possess) for taking on a relationship with me despite the 'culture' of my a-family and it's effects on me.

My a-parents are elderly. I contribute financially (and anonymously) to their physical care. That is all the 'reciprocity' I choose to have. But, actually, it's exactly what I 'got' from them (minus the abuse, which I will not 'return' no matter how much their karma might dictate).

Turning to a more personal side for a moment. The hardest part of this whole thing is how it has played out with my Mom (the natural one). She is heartbroken that I was raised in an abusive, non-loving home. I don't feel she has come to terms with it (entirely) and she still 'wishes', I think, that I would reconcile with my a-parents. I certainly don't believe she wants me to suffer anymore at their hands (or mouths, as it were) but I kind of think she feels like if it can be "put back together" then maybe it wasn't "really all that bad". Does that make sense? It will never happen but I can see where she might be coming from...wanting the outcome of her choice (which really wasn't a choice) to be what she had hoped for. What loving mother doesn't hope for every possible advantage for her child? I can appreciate that. That's the one and only sadness I have about it.