Out of fear of abandonment, did you as a child try to please your adoptive parents and try to fit in?

Fear of abandonment is central to a child that's been abandoned.

Unless there is severe RAD, I don't feel you can distinguish this type of behavior because it IS so fundamental - it permeates us completely, so it is part and parcel of our personality and you won't be able to distinguish it because you've never seen us NOT post abandonment.

Our behaviors are a NORMAL response anyone would have under the circumstances, and children should not be prevented from having them. The only thing a caring adoptive parent should do is demand less things the child is required to mold themselves to. Too many adoptive parents try to mold their children into images of themselves. If you think about the huge list of adjustments a child has to make, it's astounding.

Just put the child first, let them know you're always there for them, and then prove it: don't abandon them EVER in ANY WAY - in thought, word, or deed. Be a rock of Gibraltar, but be open and flexible.

Once I found out that I had been adopted I used to refuse to do things because I felt very isolated and alone. My brothers and sister are biological children, I'm the youngest and the only adopted one. When my parents would ask me to "play nicely with my sister" I'd respond by saying that she wasn't my sister. Only in hindsight do I realize how hurtful that is, and how untrue it is.

So, yes, I did act out. After 3 months of testing the boundaries I realized that, yes, they are my family and they weren't going to leave me. I think I did it so that if they did leave me (which would NEVER have happened) I wouldn't be upset. I was only 5 at the time though, so obviously, I blew the situation up and got things very confused in my head.

yes, I did. I was adopted into a musical family, and once my amom discovered that I had a natural aptitude for it, that was just perfect for her. I was singing solos at church at 2, playing piano at 3, and violin by 5. While other kids were outside playing, I practiced. To be fair, I also had her vile temper to urge me along. Before I was even 10, she had my entire life mapped out for me. I would go to a Christian college and major in music. Then I would join an orchestra. And then, I would find some nice Christian man and have babies. This is never what I myself wanted to do, but I never said a word. I still don't think she knows that I wanted to be a lawyer. My way of handling the pressure was to run off and move in with my bf, and very quickly became pregnant.

The eager to please was a theme through much of my adult life thus far too. I stayed in relationships far past their due date because I wanted to please them, I didnt want to be rejected, I wanted them to somehow turn around and see that I was loveable, even if I disliked them. Not very healthy at all.

I dont know that there are warning signs. Any adoptee Ive known personally are good actors. From what I've seen, we are highly adaptable, and can conform to the rules fairly quick. But I do think an open and loving environment that fosters the ability and absolute permission to be who one is without rejection would go a long way in avoiding this.

Only recently have I realized how deeply my adoptive mother's opinions are ingrained into my personality. Almost everything I believe about myself and the way I think about others stems from embracing her off the cuff remarks. It's a sickness! But because of her critical opinion of my adoptive father I never had any respect for him and never tried to please him. I only started doing that as an adult, but in the exact opposite way, I've been desperately trying to connect with him through rational argument, but he refuses to discuss important matters and has finally told me to not contact him at all any more for the third time. The first time lasted several years, most recently it's been six months and counting.

Yes. I was a chameleon of sorts. Not just with my family, but with everyone. I tried to please everyone.

There was no middle ground with me as far as my a p's went. I was either trying to be absolutely perfect, or being wretchedly horrid....to see how far I could push them to see if they, too, would leave me. My behavior was a classic textbook example of the behavior of a child with issues stemming from relinquishment.

Up until my 30's, I also displayed that behavior with romantic relationships. I would be "everything they wanted", at the cost of my own wants, and then when things got serious, I would leave...leave them before they could leave me, so to speak.

I would say that an ap should take note of any changes in behavior with their child, and let them know they can be whomever they are and everyone will still love them. That is a difficult statement, and conflicting, too, as it's harder for adopted kids to figure out "who they are".

Actually instead of trying to please them and fit in I did the exact opposite. I constantly tested them when I was growing up to see how far I could push them before they would "send me back". I have done that in most of my close relationships because I am afraid that people will leave me when times get hard so I "test" them to see if they will leave me. The very thing I feared was something I tried very hard to create because in my mind I wasn't worthy of anyone loving me and I wasn't worthy of anybody wanting me around. I figured if I pushed and they abandoned me because of whatever I did, it would mean that they left me because of my behaviors and not because of me.

There are a lot of layers to this pain that i still work to unravel and I still am learning every day how to deal with it. I think a big part of coming to terms with my loss from relinquishment has allowed me to let myself off the hook a little bit and not be as afraid of abandonment. Now that I know (consciously) why I've made some of the decisons that I made I think I'm headed down a better road.

My sister is the opposite. She did her best to please our parents and make them as happy as possible. She was a model child, saving her allowance to buy them presents. We were both raised by the same family, but our circumstances were different. I believe both of us dealt with abandonment issues and our parents never realized it.

I feel like most adopted kids (at least the ones in closed adoptions like my sister and I) may at some time or another feel a fear of abandonment. My sister dealt with hers in one way and I dealt with mine in another entirely different way. Since the ways kids can display this is so different, the best way to parent it (in my opinion) is just to acknowledge that it more than likely WILL happen at some point or another if your kids are part of a closed adoption. I don't think you can prevent it, but I do think you should make sure they know that they are allowed to feel however they feel and that it doesn't hurt you or affect your relationship with them because they feel that way. That would have gone a long way to open up the dialogue in my family.

Here was my thought throughout my childhood:

"If you guys adopted me, then you have to deal with what you've been given. Regardless of how 'strange' I act, how 'different' my personalities traits and hobbies are, since YOU adopted me, you better accept me for who I am."

So... no!

Yup, I work twice as hard and still deal with the yelling on you could have done better.

-Tempe