Could you please read over this poem I wrote and let me know if it’s decent or just sappy teenage mush?

Okay, I want to preface this by saying that your poem looks and reads like a whole lot of things that I wrote at seventeen. I'm forty five now and over the years I have looked back over many of those pieces. It is from that perspective of years that I say what I'm saying here and I mean none of it at all unkindly. Please take no offense and, of course, ignore every word if it in any way offends you.

First and foremost, as others have said, it is too long and too wordy, even as a poem on a page. As a canvas it would be entirely daunting. You have a nice idea, now put most of it on the chopping block. Narrow it down, tighten it up. Cast a jaundiced eye on even your favorite lines.

The essence of poetry is its ability to evoke emotion. Economy of phrase is often the most effective way to accomplish that. Too many of your lines read like inconcise sentences and so they do not flow but neither do they inform. Others are really very nice. I like your whole idea it just sort of feels like a cross between a poem and a letter and it rambles.

One thing I can guarantee you, from bitter experience, is that in future years the use of words like actualities and alluring in this context will make you cringe. They feel like a stretch, a search for a special word and they jar the ear and the eye.

You said you wrote it without regard to rhythm and that shows. It needs some. I read it aloud to myself and it stumbles. That goes back to editing though. You have a lot of joining words that you could dispose of easily and that would aid in diminishing the epistolary tone.

We will create the beauty our lives lack

the symmetry, the graceful lines, the intimate contours

and finely crafted details

All our creation

That is very nice, though personally I would drop the third line or somehow combine two and three. The word will in the first sounds off to my ear too.

Hold still now, my love

Let me drink you in, while the moon rays illuminate you

you’re too beautiful to glance at in passing.

That is nice too, except the second line is awkward, I'd be likely to say illuminated by the moon, or something to that effect.

I will draw the angles of your alluring face;

Paint the cobalt waters of your eyes

Smudge away the small imperfections

As I’ve never truly seen them anyway.

This is a great idea but the wording of the last line spoils the flow (and as I said, alluring does too, I'd probably skip the adjective altogether).

But even statues begin to crumble

And paintings fade with time

Even if the world can never see what we see at this moment,

even if they dismiss it as extravagantly youthful folly

We will keep it all on the canvas of our passing souls.

Again, terrific idea. Trim this verse hard and it will be lovely.

I'm not sure I understand what you're doing with the last verse. It doesn't seem to belong in content, form, or tone and it feels tacked on. Perhaps it could be rewritten and placed earlier in the poem.

Those are a few things I noticed. I could comment on each verse but it would become rapidly redundant. If you strip this down and rebuild it sparingly you'll be in good shape, I think.

Please bear in mind that I am in no way a poet and I really know nothing. I speak only from having written many similar things and from years of reading the beautiful words of my superiors. I mean no harm or hurt, I hope I didn't cause any. Congratulations to you and your friend.

Your poem isn't bad - it just needs to be cleaned up. It's VERY wordy - if you get my drift. There are a lot of unnecessary words. A lot of repeated words.

We will make this world our own.

With purpose, passion, our hearts

beating in harmony,

We'll sculpt it with our fingers,

feel the hardened actualities

melt away in the heat of our palms.

We will create

the beauty our lives lack

the symmetry,

graceful lines,

intimate contours

finely crafted details

All our creation.

We will have control.

Accept this clay below

our nails and the tiredness

in our bones.

We will finish first

cleanse ourselves

after our masterpiece is complete.

And then as you rest,

contented and fulfilled ...

I will draw the angles

of your alluring face;

Paint the cobalt

waters of your eyes

Smudge away

small imperfections

As I’ve never truly seen them

anyway.

Hold still now, my love

Let me drink you in

the moon rays illuminate you

you’re too beautiful

to glance at in passing.

But even statues begin to crumble

And paintings

fade with time

Even if the world

can never see

what we see

at this moment,

If they dismiss it

as extravagantly youthful folly

We will keep it all on the canvas

of our passing souls.

You took a picture of me

And hung it on your wall

You looked at it every day

and said

it held everything you loved

in me.

Just an idea of what I mean - I didn't change your poem, just "messed" a little - a lot of my friends do that for me.

It's a beautiful poem,and you have a beautiful heart for writing it for him. I'm not a poet, but I can tell you that if my girlfriend (or wife as my case may be) were to give that to me I don't even know what I'd say. I'd just be so touched and so proud of her I don't think I could form the words. It would be an honor to hang it on my wall, and if we were to have a fire it'd be the only thing I'd bother saving. It's not just the poem or the painting it's the love that went into it. The song is fantastic! I was blown away by it. You've got raw, natural talent. You are going to be famous one day. I'm not trying to flatter you, I'm just telling you what I think is the truth. You are brilliant, gorgeous, so talented, have the voice of a diva, and you're just a baby. You are going to be a force to be reckoned with when you're an adult! The world is going to be your stage. Your parents and your boyfriend must be so proud of you. You aren't even my kid and I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work and keep shining!

Hi babes!

Firstly, I am never one to criticize ones work, mainly for the reason that it was written for and about moments and circumstances I will never fully know as I am only an outsider looking in...and emotions and feelings that you hold and feel inside on a deep level for someone that you love.

Poetry is such a personal thing, and I always struggle to "pick" and fault at what someone has written, Hope that makes sense?!

What I will say is, I think your poem is simply beautiful~ ( I especially loved the 4th and 5th paragraphs)...and to be presented a gift such as this AND have it painted on canvas is a present that no doubt he will treasure and admire for a life time.

I have seen your paintings so I can only imagine just how amazing your finishing touches will be!!! He is a very lucky guy!!!

Happy happy anniversary!!

He will love it!!

i do think that the 3rd and 5th are a bit 'stuck in there' but overall it is a beautifully crafted poem. And do remember that you do not have to accept anyone's advice if it doesnt feel right you know? it is just wonderful in itself and i agree with mazzy, it would look amazing represented in visual art.

i absolutely adore the ''but even statues begin to crumble'' stanza, the "i will draw the angles of your alluring face" stanza, and the last bit: "You took a picture of me// And hung it on your wall// You looked at it every day and said // it held everything you loved in me." i decided to checkout your xanga site and saw this there and it instantly captivated me. for some reason it reminds me of a modernized version of "climbing the chagrin river" by mary oliver though they are not too similar. i dont know why but i cant help make the connection. anyway gorgeous poem.

i was just in the midst of emailing you actually! but im trying to figure out how the hell im supposed to shove 15freakinghundred characters into that tiny box. i suppose i could send it in 2 separate emails but i think the reason they limit you is so that the recipient will not be harassed by the writer(especially this one) hmmm....this will be tricky

Wow Skylark this was absolutely amazing! I'm sure he will appreciate this very much. From a poetic standpoint I would have been a little less descriptive in order to force the reader to use his/her imagination more. There is a thin line between prose and poetry sometimes, but I like this poem. I think you're gonna be president of the United States one day :)

If I could only find my feet on this path that you have laid I'd rhyme a poem almost as neat though not a good meter maid I try to hear the rhythm flow from words into the lines I'd rather dandelions blow and hang out in the pines LOL!

The poem is very good and it gives me a picture of two people who are being honest to themselves and to each other. I would love to see the picture you will do to go with it. I am a painter and poet myself. I need to do both and to communicate in shapes colour, words and music. honesty and sincerity are very important things in my life. I have been married to the one man for forty three years of my life and love him as much as ever I did when we were young. Our life together is a work of art.

I liked what you were trying to say, but some of the verses seem forced and ... rather unwieldy. Like you were trying to push things where they don't belong. Overall it was really lovely, but you might want to edit out words that are just there for being there.

Good luck!

Luthien

feels too long and meandering...

i would look at it as a draft, then cut in in half . maybe even less

Love is complex and unexplainable, sometimes a few words say much more as it is the meaning that counts...