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John D
Lv 4
John D asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Please critique draft 2 of my poem, Joshua?

Joshua

Young Joshua stood above the battle

He clenched his spear, breathed in the smell of blood

To Moses turned and begged to try his mettle

In God’s unspoken name to fight for good.

Grass whipped round the prophet’s ankles sighing

Not loud enough to mask the clash below

His eyes, deep wells, filled up, the tears belying

The faith that hurled his sons against the foe.

And on that hilltop Moses time-worn hands

Held Joshua’s smooth face close to his own

He whispered of his people’s promised lands

And all the love and mercy God has shown.

As if on cue a cry of victory

Rose from the chosen on the blood-soaked plain

And Joshua’s eyes grew bright with glory

Of this last and latest triumph’s gain.

Together the young man and the prophet

Began to pick their way down from the hill

The young man leapt thinking nothing of it

The elder limped and prayed for strength of will.

Update:

Thanks, Tori. I have been struggling almost 18 hours with that one line. I'm trying to preserve the iambic pentameter I set up in the first line. I see now I ran over by a syllable. How about: "Turned to Moses, begged to try his mettle" ?

Update 2:

Did you ever notice how few youths or children are featured as characters in the bible? Moses, David and Jesus excepted. Even Adam and Eve spring into being as adults.

Update 3:

My story's a total fiction. I was reflecting on how we can become less certain of things as we age. I borrowed Moses and Joshua and I hope that you're not offended. There are no tales of "Young Joshua"

Update 4:

I may wind up changing "limped" Although I'm not trying to be "PC," that could be over the top and might end up being more distracting than helpful. Thanks.

Update 5:

"The elder walked..." That could work. I wonder if it is enough of a contrast? I'm glad I re-posted this. Lot's of good suggestions.

Update 6:

I think I'll try:

"The youth leapt down, thinking nothing of it.

The elder walked and prayed for strength of will."

I'm going to have to let that macerate a while and then come back to it.

Update 7:

Oh! and of course Joseph is a very important child in the bible as are all the sons of Israel, to one degree or another, but I still think it's relatively rare that children get "exploits" in the narrative. When I write my next bible-inspired poem, I think it will be about Joseph. Boy, did he ever put up with a lot.

4 Answers

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  • Kate Alex Bahleef
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think you are on the right track about changing that line three. The Biblical Moses was not limping because his strength was not diminished though it would seem uncharacteristic by today's standards. Joshua's courage and purposefulness could be shown that the glory was not his but God's. I am a bit hung up on the actual story. What you describe is well put and you seem to make the iambic pentameter work for you.

  • © ♪♫♪ tori ♫♪♫
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I like this; that you have taken a Biblical story and given it new life. Not only that, but it is very good. Strong imagery weaves a battle well fought. t

    This one line caused me to pause and read it several times because it doesn't seem right.

    To Moses turned and begged to try his mettle

    I think a simple insertion is all it needs

    To Moses he turned and begged to try his mettle

    edit

    Turned to Moses, begged to try his mettle is perfect!

    edit

    I know there are no tales of "young Joshua", and that is one of the reasons your poem is so wonderful - the art of creation by one who knows the stories well.

    I wrote a dramatic monologue by someone who saw Jesus, which is fiction, but it's fairly powerful. Very long though, it would take an accomplished actor to put it over with the power I see in the words.

    Source(s): .. joshua fought the battle of jerico...and the walls came tumbling down ... just goes to show what faith will do. I saw an archaeolgical documentary on that battle. It showed exactly where the walls fell. Amazing.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Good to see you're working on 'that one line'. Your question about it to Tori is very good to use. It might be better to write the elder walked,

    but it's good to me either way.

    Good work about an amazing miracle from the Bible! So nice to read this, for a change. And keep it up!

  • knauf
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    Oh, yet rain is this way of great kind of issues, no longer in undemanding terms the thrum of the thunder pelting your skin, a kiss from lightning because it frigidly pours from the sky, however the gentle dance below the bathe, according to hazard feeling a rain of a different kind, rain of kisses from one that loves you, even while all is bared and shown and nakedness isn't coupled with shame or be apologetic approximately yet desperation. The final rain spoken of, the rain down the face, staining the cheeks with salt kisses, mourning for a chum, or according to hazard for that which in no way became into, the darkest illumination, maximum organic and cleansing, yet maximum adverse and scarring, calling for the rain of heaven, the rain of unconditional like to as quickly as returned flow from the sky and simplicity the hurts led to, to erase the tear tracks yet depart the cheeks moist with the memory, yet no longer the rawness. eye-catching examine, eye-catching write, thank you for talking for my soul in the language my lips can't study. Blessed Be, Tori, Eva

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