How do i word this in a "save the date"?

Most families don't function on a formal level, so you don't have to follow "the rules" here.

I would send the letters in September of this year. And then send a followup late next spring, requesting a confirmation of some type.

First letter could be something like this (you can even use email for this if you want):

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Dear Family,

[John] and I are planning our wedding for September 4th, 2010. Since our family is so scattered across the country I wanted to let you know early. Of course I'm hoping that you can come and hope I'm giving you enough time to put this in your plans for next year. The wedding is in my hometown. I'm sitting up a website soon with blocks of hotel rooms that can be booked for a discount and other information that might be helpful. I'll be in touch again next Spring to see if we can get a better idea of everyone who will be able to attend. Meanwhile I'll keep my fingers crossed that everyone will be here.

Love, JJ

P.S. Please let us know if you have any questions.

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Next spring:

Dear Family,

Our wedding date is getting closer. We're trying to firm up our guest list and need to get a count of people who are trying to be here for our wedding. Can you let my parents or me know in the next two weeks if you are planning to be here? (give them a firm date)

Thank you for helping us get the guest list finalized. Love you all, JJ

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After that you will send actual invitations only to those who say they will attend. The rest can get an announcement after the wedding if you choose to send those out.

Just sent a normal save the date card. DO NOT INCLUDE AN RSVP. I would simply follow it up with a casual e-mail or phone call a few weeks after sending it to make sure they got it and ask "Do you think you'll be able to attend?" Some people will tell you right away that they won't be able to make it. Others may think they can and then can't. I had out of state relatives tell me they couldn't wait to come. Then came a new job and not being able to take time off. Things happen, you just need to deal.

I originally had a guest list of 208 people. We ended up with 133 attending our wedding. Most places that require a minimum will charge a small fee for each person you're short and often it's less than the regular price. We had to have 125 full price adults as our minimum. We didn't quite make that number because of children attending and vendors we also had to feed. They charged us $25 for each person we were short. The full price was $81 per adult.

It'll all work out. Don't sacrifice etiquette to have a big wedding.

OK....you are going way overboard. Your wedding is more than a year away. How does anyone know what they are doing more than a year away???

The save-the-date, is exactly that. It doesn't have an RSVP attached to it. You are simply letting your family/friends know of the date. And, it is waaaaaaay to early to be sending them out!! You should not be thinking of sending them out until about January 2010. That would be 9 months in advance. The save-the-dates simply say something informal like:

We are engaged!

Samantha Johnson and Brian Thompson

are excited to share the news that

they will be getting married

on September 18, 2010

so we hope that you will

SAVE THE DATE!

We hope to see you then.

Formal invites will be mailed

8 weeks prior to the wedding.

Something along those lines. Again, you deal with the RSVP's about 2-4 weeks before the wedding, not over a year in advance.

I think you're stressing WAY too early!!! :) The reason to send out a save the date a year in advance is so that they have time to plan to attend and save up the money, etc.

Asking for a commitment now just doesn't seem appropriate to me. In fact, I had a friend's daughter send them out -- I fully intended to attend but found out a couple of months before the wedding that I had to be on the opposite side of the country from her wedding and couldnt make it despite my best intentions.

Send standard save the dates - just date and place. It sounds like your family is close, so you probably communicate through the year. Just ask your parents & siblings to bring it up next time they talk to the various relatives - they can ask "did you get Susie's save the date? do you think yall will be able to come?" You'll start getting an informal sense of attendance that way, and you can get more by including with your regular Christmas/holiday cards a note "will we see you in September?"

Save the Dates do not have an RSVP to them, they are only to let guests know of when the date is going to be, so they can mark their calenders.

If you are worried about that I would send 2 rounds of invitations. Typical wedding invites are to go out 6 weeks in advance, with an RSVP requested about 2 weeks before the wedding. I would send out your Invites to the extended family earlier than that and have them RSVP before you send out your second round of invitations, that could possibly include those extra friends and family