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Enraged with my birthmom, am I over reacting? (long)?
My birth mother had my grandparents adopt me when I was born. Later, when they died, I was adopted again. She fought the proceedings and lost. She did and said some unfortunate things, and so I grew up with a lot of conflict between her and my adoptive parents. She went out of my life when I was 7, found me again when I was 17, and then cut off contact again. I am now a married adult and am back in contact with her. Our relationship is a little stressful for me, she insists on trash talking my adoptive parents, telling lies about them (yes, I'm sure they are lies, some of it is about things I remember from my teens or childhood), and refuses to take responsibility for the times when she walked out of my life. I try not to dwell on it, and move past it all so I can forge a relationship with her. I am living abroad, and am visiting my home town. She put me through a big emotional fuss about visiting (she wanted me to arrange it so that she didn't have to see my adoptive family) and now, a day before I leave, I get an email that her mother in law was sick last week with a blood clot - she won't come down to see me for two or three days afterall in case they have to move her mother in law. Her husband and my grown brothers all live in the same area as she does. I haven't seen her since I was 7. She has put off seeing me in the past for various reasons. I am hurt and full of anger. I feel like all I get out of our relationship is frustration and stress. I care much more then I want to about how she feels and about being important to her - but I never feel like I measure up. I am thinking about just cutting ties. Am I over reacting? Should I just suck it up and make nice?
3 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I think your NOT over reacting. I would react the exact same, but the question really is, do YOU want to see her again, do YOU want to turn a new leaf, and start a new. The question is about what you feel beneath all that rage and stress. Is it love for your (birth) mother, is it happiness that somewhere deep inside you know your going to see her again or us it just more rage and stress? Ask yourself that. I wish you the best of luck in your decision. i hope i helped.
Source(s): Opinion...x - 1 decade ago
A relationship with a child is one that is very tender and irreplaceable no matter how old you are. I think you should cut ties. Your birthmother is oblivious to the stress she is causing you, ie. she doesn't care. It seems as if she is bad mouthing you to justify or excuse her shame and/or guilt. And the blowing you off? She made a choice a long time ago about how her relationship with you would pan out. She, again, is not taking this seriously it seems. I hate to sound harsh, but I believe very firmly in this, but when people want something they go after it, they make it happen. If she wanted to see you she would. She wants your approval that she's good, that you're on her side and that she has been right all along.
And do not suck it up. If you have a problem with her, let her know. Say "Mom, I feel a, b and c and this is what I'm willing to do to have a good relationship with you. What are you offering to do to have a relationship with me?" If she keeps her word and you keep yours, work on your relationship with her. Otherwise, ditch her. I know they say ultimatums are horrible, but sometimes they're necessary. You are what matters most, you and your feelings. No one else is going to look out for them, so why give them the power to control them? You take care of YOU and do what makes YOU happy.
- JodyLv 71 decade ago
Maybe she feels inferior to the adopted parents and is afraid they judge her or look down on her.
Maybe she feels inferior and ashamed, and at a disadvantage.
Maybe she's afraid you love them more than you love her. Maybe she's afraid you secretly hate her. Or she hates herself for losing you, and can't forgive herself, and that's why she can't face you.
And maybe she's filled with shame.
