why do i feel ashamed and i cant admit it?

You are going thru a withdrawal of sorts.

You have been trained to act and believe a certain way, and your mind is rebelling against it.

I say good for you.

However, you may encounter resistance from your family who still wants to "save" you.

Stick to your guns. Religion is a very personal matter, and whether or not you choose to believe is strictly up to you.

If anyone in your family protests or seriously criticizes you, just ask them if they believe in what Jesus taught. When they self righteously say "Yes I Do !" you just say "Then forgive me."

If they say they cant, then you let them know they need to read his book again.

Biblical speaking,doubting can be good.If Thomas had not doubted he would not have got the privilege of putting his fingers through the nail holes.

I could be off but this is where I am, sometimes I struggle with Jesus but never God. It would be silly to look at the world and think it was created from nothing.Something created it and that something must be God.

To think the world just happened, would be equivalent to thinking an alphabet factory exploded and created the websters dictionary.That takes a whole lot more faith than believing in God.

You sound like you aren't a Atheist, but more like a Agnostic. I guess you still want to believe so you just don't feel like life has no meaning, but life can still have meaning for you with no structured religion. When people talk about religion and if you still aren't sure of your views at this point then just don't add anything to the conversation unless asked to weigh in. In that case you could just refuse and play dumb or admit that you personally don't have faith and that they should respect your beliefs.

I felt this way for months after I left the church. It's called Christian guilt. There have actually been books written on the subject. The idea is that the Christian religion is based off of guilt. Don't sin you'll go to hell, don't do drugs god will be sad, etc. etc. Don't leave the Church or you'll go to hell. The liberation came to me one day when I sat down and said "I deny the existence of the Holy Spirit". This is the one unforgivable sin, and to be honest I feel so much better after saying it.

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad

Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad

I'm the kind of girl who laughs at a funeral

Can't understand what I mean?

Well, you soon will