How do I re-introduce myself to my estranged children?

Question

This is a little complicated, so I hope you'll bear with me.
I grew up as a quiet kid in what is now called a dysfunctional family.  I left that as soon as I could by joining the Air Force.  
When I came home on leave (vacation) The closest thing I had to a gf in HS (I didn't have a car then) gave me this big sob story of how bad her home life was…  She used me to run away from home.
We got married (after she turned 17) because the Air Force gave me more money and gave her medical benefits.  We have 3 daughters.
Because I was in the Air Force, I was gone a lot.  Training missions, deployments and real-world wars (Desert Storm).  So she 'ran' the house, including the money.
Because of my childhood, I didn't have a role model of a good father. I was aware of that.  I did my best, but I admit that I wasn't the best father.  It was worse that they're all girls and I had no idea how to father a daughter.  I bought them what I could; toys, bikes, stereos, TVs, VCRs, etc..  I told them "I love you" every chance I got. I had nicknames for each of them because I read that made you closer.  I encouraged them to think of their futures.
I thought about getting out of the service multiple times, but she really liked the 'guaranteed income' and benefits.  She also liked being in charge of the house and money.
Her dad was a drunk, so her mom ran their house.  She assumed she should run ours - even though I'm a very light drinker.
I knew it wasn't a 'good' marriage.  We were never 'in-love' w/ each other.  I thought of leaving her, but decided to 'hang in there for the kids'.
When the oldest started dating, I saw that my wife was teaching her how to take advantage of her bf.  It really tore me up inside because I couldn't imagine her being happily married like that.  I knew we weren't happily married and I thought that the odds of her finding a door-mat like I'd been was pretty low.
I stopped being a door-mat (bit by bit).  I did what I could to show my kids that being treated like that made me very unhappy.
My wife filed for divorce and turned the kids against me.  She (falsely) told them I cheated on her.  I know first hand she told them I raped her (a blatant lie).   I'm sure she told them other lies I can't even imagine.
I tried to stay in touch with the girls.  She listened in when I called. She read their mail.  It became obvious she was making it uncomfortable for them to communicate with me.
When the divorce was final, I had 1 visitation with the girls, and it was awkward.  Now I know it's because of what the ex said to them…   They didn't show for the second visitation and my calls, letters and cards went un-answered.
I was literally flat broke at this time. The divorce left me $20K in debt.  So I couldn't take her back to court to enforce the visitation.
As the girls moved out of her house, I had no way of knowing where they even lived.
It's been 10 yrs…  I had hoped the girls would realize how many lies she's told them, perhaps when they started living their own lives, and contact me. I have a home phone just so I'm listed in the phone book.  My only reason for living where I do is so I'm listed where they knew I live…
I spent 5 yrs sad and lonely.  Then I thought I should have a happy life to share with them when we (hopefully) re-connect.  It hasn't been easy or very successful.  Not many women believe that I'm not to blame for my kids not communicating with me, so they immediately don't trust me.  I met a cpl that did give me the benefit of the doubt, but seeing their kids, esp on holidays, made me very sad again.
Now, yes finally…  
I've found that 2 of the girls have Facebook pages.   I'm fairly confident that it's their way of opening up communication with me. I work with computers and the ex accused me of using the internet to find my (fake) affair partner.
The oldest is married (and has a daughter) but her FB page includes her maiden name.   
It's a dream come true and I don't want to mess up what could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity…
So I'll be making my own facebook page ASAP... but then… how do I re-introduce myself?!?!?

beentheredonethat · Accepted Answer

I think the first thing you need to do is accept that fact that despite all of your great intentions, no matter how well you plan, no matter what approach you take, there is the possibility that this will not work out.  Not trying to burst your bubble but I think you need to approach this very realistically.  These reunions don't always work out with the storybook endings that we hope for.  There may be too much damage done, too much brainwashing that has occurred.  You can only do what you can do, but sometimes this stuff isn't fixable.  

Also, lots and lots of people have Facebook accounts.  It may be their way of extending an olive branch to you, but chances are, it's just a facebook page.  

Having said that, I think the best way to approach your adult children is with total honesty and humility.  Tell them that you are interested in connecting with them and that you understand they've only heard one side of things their entire lives and it may not have put you in the most flattering light.  Tell them you are interested in presenting your side of things, and while you'd like a relationship you understand that they'll need to take all the information given and make the best decisions for themselves.  Ask them for that opportunity.  Specifically.  I think the more you empower them from the start, the better opportunity you have to present yourself as genuine and primarily interested in what is best for them. 

Good luck to you.

keezy · Answer

You are jumping to conclusions that - may back fire on you
May people of their generation have face-book pages - not just because they are trying to open up communication with someone - and many girls include their maiden names so that HS friends can find them.
Yes get a face-book page  put minimal info on it but don't set securities high so they can view it (but remember so call the rest of the world so be cautious what you post)-  hold back don't go running into asking them to bfriendsds.
Set up a photo album on FB of pictures of them as kidandelabelle them with the nicknames you called them.  IF after about 3-4 months they haven't contacted you then send a friend request.

netgyks · Answer

It's very likely that as the girls entered adulthood, they realized their mother was a habitual liar. Then again, maybe they haven't. The one thing you should not do is lower yourself to the mother's level by making attacks on her to the daughters. Simply saying to then through Facebook that you hope they are well and happy and that you miss them and there are two sides to every story and someday you hope they will be willing to listen to your side could be enough.

Good luck. I hope you can reunite.

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How do I re-introduce myself to my estranged children?

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