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How to tell first family to move on?
This is difficult for us. We have always embraced our children's first families and their right to retain their identity. For the past two years we have tried very very hard to include our children’s first families as much as possible. However, during this time, all parents have been arrested multiple times, we have been threatened in person, one father was shot and nearly killed (gang related), another father was sent to prison for attempted murder (again gang related), etc.
The children’s therapist suggested no contact, the judge did the same. We tried writing letters to them, making phone calls and even visiting with them to set boundaries.
Nothing is working! The drugs, violence and threats continue post-adoption. The children have wet their bed in fear (recently) and are too frightened to call or visit (we encouraged them to try, but they made it clear they are not interested). The kids see our other children’s birth families are included in our lives, with positive results—so they are not just trying to please us by refusing contact.
How do we close the door on them? It is so very painful to believe that we will be responsible for removing them from the children’s lives (at least for now).
They only have a pobox number and cell number for contact, as they have been so hostile.
We have ONLY have adopted abused children. And would never be a part of coercing parents to give up children.
How do we stop contact? Close the box, change the number? try again to give them reasons? Set a date in the future when we will try again?
The kids have to be safe and their needs put first, have we missed something? This is such a drastic move, it will change lives!! AUGH!
Good question Linny. The fact is, I expected to hear all the reason why cutting off contact would damage the children forever. After all, the therapist and judge are NOT adoptees. Instead, I have recieved validation that I am doing the right thing from the people that really understand the best....AP and Adoptees! So, although you are mere strangers, most of the people herer are more personally affected that judges or therapists, or social workers for that matter. Thanks to all!
I asked HOW to handle it, not so much IF i should. And you have given me WONDERFUL ideas. Thank you
8 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Boundaries are the number one priority right now. I admire what you were trying to do, but in apprehension cases this is why contact is usually avoided.
What I do is agree to meet with them once per year to exchange information. I set up the dates of when I am free, meet at hte CAS office, and give pic's and non identifying updates. This year they didn't want to do it. They may try later to come back and say "how about now" but my boundaries are to plan to do it once per year, as a courtesy, but I have to stay firm.
For now cut off contact and if you want to do something like what I have set up I woudl do it all through child sevices and never give your phone number out!
Source(s): It is not our job to save the world. - Anonymous1 decade ago
I'm with Nora and Kari. Get a court order *and enforce it if necessary*, and leave only the PO Box number and your solicitor's as the "available for contact" methods. If you can stand to have ignore a constantly ringing mobile (putting them on silent doesn't belay the fact that it still has to be waded through), ignore all voice messages (or better yet, turn the answer 'phone off) and just delete any text message that is too awful.
In later years, they may or may not come around to being able to handle sensible inclusion, but until they can, you have a duty to your kids to make sure there's as little negative disruption in their lives as possible.
Good luck in them coming to their senses sooner rather than later.
- LinnyLv 61 decade ago
It seems as if you did miss something. If the therapist AND a judge have recommended no contact, then why are you asking total strangers on yahoo?
Pretty simple. You tell them they are dangerous. Ask them to provide you with an email addy and give them an addy (like hotmail or yahoo) so you can only exchange emails, and will know where they are when your kids are adults. You've tried. That's all you can do.
- 1 decade ago
If they have threatened you and your family, I'd say that's the time to cut ties. I'd assume since you have a p.o. box that they don't know where you live? I would have a third party, an attorney preferably, notify the parents that the cell number has been changed, but to keep the P.O. box number unchanged. That leaves an open window of communication that has little risk of harm, if the threats continue, however, I would advise a restraining order. Don't put your family at risk. These are legally your children, and as a parent, you have to do what's right by them. It will change your child's lives, but will it change them for the better?
- RandyLv 71 decade ago
If you have to ask the question then I think you already know the answer. Personally, I knew the answer once I got down to where you wrote "The children therapist suggested no contact, the judge did the same". Seems clear enough to me.
You are not removing them from the children's lives. They have chosen to take their actions and therefore the fault lies with them as the responsibility to protect and nurture the children falls to you.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
i dont know the answer to your question, but i feel sorry for you and hope things work out for the kids safety and security and yours
it takes alot to adopt abused children and it sounds like you have and are trying your best
the only thing i could suggest is to try and tell them that they are in fact FRIGHTENING the children and upsetting the children. and if they really loved them, they would allow the children to grow in safety and that they need to heal. and that you would continue to send pictures, etc and when the kids get old enough to understand and not be scared, you will not prevent them from contacting them.
i suggest if they have your name that you try to appeal to their "parenting" side and not make it seem as punishing. again for safety.
if they don't have a "parenting" side which could be true for abusive parents, you might have to just be very clear that the children are scared and are not healing.
then if all else fails, get a restraining order and a Smith and Wesson. they may not have your address, but you can find anyone today with a name.
i dont know. i wish i had better advice.
good luck to you and bless you
Source(s): been there - visitacionLv 45 years ago
Gee whiz, that's particularly common. you could circulate next summer season while you're pre authorized. there are various "ifs" there. Why not wait till you get approval, %. out a house and have a settlement with the sellers of the homestead.........then tell your loved ones you're shifting. no could leap the gun before understanding for specific and no could head and provide your mom a coronary heart attack while she solutions the knock a the door. Use somewhat common experience, please.
