Adoptees, is it offensive if your adoptive parents call your first/natural parents "Real"?

I suspect what you saw were reactions to someone who was claiming herself as a real parent, and her daughters other parents weren't parents at all. Adoptees are often told, but lots of different people, many of them strangers, who their "REAL" parents are. Adoptees may want to decide that for themselves. As I said on an earlier answer, one parent (whether biological or adoptive) telling me that the other isn't my parent, is forcing me to choose, and it's unfair.

That's NOT what it sounds like you're doing. Indeed, it sounds like you are doing what I generally do. I simply refer to my parents, and I only add adjectives when disambiguation is needed.

I do tend to avoid the word "REAL," just because I think it has the potential to offend so many people (no matter who I use it for), and because, for me anyway, all of my parents are REAL. For me, it's less a matter of being offensive to me, and more a matter of not really clearing up which parent I'm talking about.

The problem is that what some people object to is any sort of differentiation. They just want to be parents.

Which is fine, until you're trying to hold a conversation with someone else where it's significant what the actual situation is. You can't just say "my son's mum/dad says this, and my son's other mum/dad says that." Well, you can, but the person you are talking to is going to get mighty confused, especially if they didn't even know the child was adopted,and it may not even be clear to them that you are discussing two different people.

We have two friends who are called John. We call them both John to their faces. When we are talking about them, however, we call them John B and John R. It doesn't mean we think they aren't called John, or that it's wrong for them to have the same name. It's just a way to be clear who we are talking about.

I'd have to say, though, that if you used "real parents" I wouldn't be sure whether you were referring to the biological parents or the adoptive parents. But use either one of those terms and someone will yell at you for being demeaning. You can't win :(

there have been various great solutions right here, that i visit in simple terms state a pair of the flaws that I, individually, want my adoptive mothers and fathers had accomplished in any different case. the 1st is to state or maybe insinuate that the organic mothers and fathers are defective, undesirable, "below" or the rest destructive. regardless of each and everything, they introduced the new child into the international, and it quite is very possibly that the new child will experience that he or she must be undesirable or defective if he or she got here from people who're those issues. that's the comparable theory as speaking negatively of the different discern in a divorce difficulty. do no longer assume your accompanied new child to be such as you, or be upset if he or she isn't like another kin in terms of mannerisms, character, mind, skills, hobbies etc. there's no longer person-friendly-wiring in contact in those characteristics, so which you are able to maintain that throughout suggestions. Be considerate with connection with call changing. i became 2 whilst my call became replaced. I, individually, became no longer happy approximately that. I did continually want that my call would have been respected. superb to you.

It's all about context. It's also that old saying, "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it." If my a Mom had said, "I know you are sad on your birthday because you miss your "real" Mom", that would be totally fine. If she had said, "Well, I AM your "real" Mom because I wiped your butt and dried your tears", I would have been very angry and hurt.

There are parts of society that will always refer to an adoptee's first Mom as their "real Mother", but I dont think there is any malice intended. They just need to know that the term insults "MOST" adoptees, because we believe we have 2 real Moms and 2 real Dads.

The day my adoptive parents call my first parents "real" is the day the earth stops spinning! Honestly, I would be more shocked than anything. In my parent's eyes, the moment I was placed in their arms was the moment they became my real parents and my first parents ceased to matter at all. I was told as much time and time again. So, to answer your question, no I would not be offended at all. I would welcome the new, improved insight.

I'm sure you don't mean it in any negative way-infact it sounds as though you are secure enough in your sons life not to worry about terms-but to be honest I would feel hurt if my adoptive mother referred to my biological mother as my real mother.

This may be due in part to the fact that I dislike my biological mother intensely and she certainly has never felt like much of a mother to me, but I would also feel like my adoptive mother was kind of denouncing herself from that role in my life.

But you did say that to your son you just call them his parents, I think that's great!

its tough , labeling something so important and sensitive , as long as you mean no harm by it it is ok to call them the real parents. some people get all PC and have different names but we get the idea , adoptive parents are real parents too , you are just meaning the biological parents. and i can plainly see you mean no offense.

Both sets are real parents - my son's adoptive parents see me as just as much a realparent as them. Our roles in his life are just different.

First, in response to Kristy:

"If you are an adoptive mom, then I find it weird, like you aren't taking responsibility for being a parent now."

That's not true. My mom has always referred to my mother as "your other mom." There is no point in placing the term "real" - by default, my mom AND mother are both real people! @_@

My first parents are just referred to as that - parents.

I was taken from my mother by the state and went to live with my dad and stepmom. They actually asked me what I wanted them to call my biological mother. They wanted me to be comfortable and make that choice.

My choice was biological mother or by her first name. I call her Mom on the rare occasions I talk to her- because she is one of my moms.