Adoptees: How did your genetic differences affect the rest of your adoptive family?

It's hard to know exactly where genetics end and social biases begin, but there were definitely differences between me and my ap's. I was an ''A" student. I didn't study. Well, at least not for my classes. I was always studying something, but I never, ever studied for my classes. Being both smart and female was a pretty major crime in my house. I'm sure there was some social bias at play, but in my natural family, it's very common to have a career in education. Intelligence is expected. Not so in my adoptive family. Work is ALL that counts there. Keeping your nose in a book is not the same as keeping your nose to the grindstone, in my adad's opinion. I was seriously ridiculed for doing well in school. I was destined to never amount to anything because no man would ever be interested in a woman who has a brain, and the whole point of being female is to have a man. As to it's impact on my afamily, well, I didn't exactly take the criticism in stride. School wasn't my only talent. I also excel at creating challenging situations designed to make one question their beliefs, resulting in the accusation that I was too smart for my own good. It was plain and simply NOT a good mix. The resulting tragic upheaval was very nearly Shakespearean.

Surprisingly I did have a lot in common with my adoptive mother. We're exactly the same, as far as interests, hobbies, political leanings, etc. I think personality is both learned and genetic...obviously you are much more the genetic aspect whereas I'm much more the learned aspect. So luckily I didn't have the same problems you did growing up.

Of course I have many interests my mom didn't have, I think that's true in every family, but she was encouraging and supportive - just like your mom. I didn't feel it made me any different from other members of the family, I just think all people are unique to a certain degree.

I know nobody wants to hear this but I didn't see myself anything like my adopted parents people would ask why arnt you like your adopted parents you need to quit being so selfish they would say and be more like your adopted parents I found that hard to belike them I don't know why ia m not like them maybe its because I don't have the same dna just guessing

You know I am not adopted but I did want to chime in :) I think it's great that this issue is brought up and would hope that ap's are aware of how we need to embrace the differences.

My adopted daughters are sisters and could not be more different from each other!! One is a little miss priss and the other likes to play in mud :)

Of course our biological son will be different because he is a boy and will most likely have different interests altogether from his sisters.

My step-brothers were actually very different, too. One was a jock and the other a computer 'geek'.

My parents (dad and stepmom) were very interested in everything that us kids did, even if it wasn't something they were into or knew anything about.

That is how I have always wanted to parent my children (adopted or not)- but hearing the importance of not making my girls feel 'weird' about their talents makes it all that much more important.

i understand of two adoptees that did. a woman i've got time-venerated for a protracted time...in no way bonded along with her single adoptive parent. She became into biracial and her amom became right into a white,obese, social worker who had self esteem themes and my lady chum became into constantly embarrassed to be considered along with her. After she went off to varsity she slightly if ever spoke to her amom. She additionally virtually lived at my abode for some years. a chum from college became into advised he became into accompanied while he became into around 23. i think of i became into between the few human beings he shared this with. He became into raised to think of he became into Jewish on authentic of it. He abused drugs, suppressed his emotions and that i bear in mind how he used to constantly say he had I severe tolerance for soreness. He became into one in each and every of those functioning drug abusers and that i attempted to get him to bypass NA conferences. His aparents are deceased now yet he particularly lots remoted himself from them after discovery.....he have been given a great inheritance and has been in reunion along with his organic relatives who lived below 20 miles away. His nparents ended up getting married. They advised him that he became into located because of fact they weren't married, there have been no jobs to be got here across, and that they have been Catholics....it became into for the time of the mid 60's. He hates faith now besides.

Hope you don't mind that I as a first mother, wish to respond to this.

My lost son is now 42 and I believe that what you're suggesting is right on. Adoptive parents need to be prepared and to understand that there will almost certainly be differences.

I reunited with my son when he was 21. He is my only child so of course I was thrilled on so many levels. However, early on he told me about several distressing situations. A year after he was born, his a-parents had a biological daughter. S. always felt he was a disappointment to his parents and that the sister did everything right and he was wrong.

He grew up with natural athletic ability, but he told me his mother refused to let him play sports because he might get hurt. In high school he played football anyway. He insisted that he was a good player but felt insecure about it since it seemed to go unrecognized. I don't know how good he was, but he shared that he sat on the bench alot. The a-father told him that "we have no interest in sports in this family" and so they never, ever went to one of his games! I thought "no wonder he felt insecure"! and wondered how any parents could in good conscience ignore an interest that their son felt was important. One of his early questions to me was "if you had raised me, would you have come to my football games?"

There were lots of similar situations like that in his life and I suspect they contributed heavily to his ability to ever have positive self-esteem or feel that he fit in.

The family owned a retail business, but S.'s father told him he should consider something else to do with his life - whereas the father's siblings who also own this business; brought their own children into it. When I asked S. why, he just said that when he worked in the warehouse as a teen to learn his father's business, the father insisted he was clumsy and not catching on. He admitted that he and his father never got along.

S. has had difficulties with everything in his life; although in talking to him, he is clearly very intelligent but defensive and emotionally stunted. Therefore he's been involved with drugs for years. The a mother told me recently "we have always been there for him, paying his rent even when he can't afford it". This was in response to my telling her that I believed he needed to hit bottom before he'll ever get better. She refuses to accept that and also refused to read the Primal Wound or any adoption books. She is adamant that being adopted had nothing to do with any of his issues.

Now S. is mad at everyone. Me, he says for abandoning him and his amother shared that he's been telling them that they were awful parents and did all the wrong things raising him. I know they just think he's mentally ill and refuse to accept any responsibility. I get the feeling that they will keep paying his rent since he can't hold a job for longer than a year or so, but will never, ever consider that there is anything they could have done or can do that would help.

My heart is broken to know that the child I was coerced to surrender to parents who "could give him everything I couldn't" have failed him. The entire adoption system failed him. I think this is unconscionable.

Just everything.

I guess the biggest difference, that manifests itself in many ways, is that I'm intellectually curious, and they're not.

I read, they don't. I like documentaries, they watch Wheel of Fortune. I like trying out new, non-chain restaurants, they like Applebee's.

They are not birds of my feather. Not that there's anything wrong with that...but it's hard on the odd man out. And that was me.