sexual abuse secret - real advice please?

It's possible that your brother is now molesting his own daughter, or else will molest her in the future. Sexual abuse is a generational problem, in other words it's passed from parent to child. By keeping silent, you are encouraging the cycle of shame, secrecy, and abuse to continue unbroken.

You say that you're worried about harming your brother's family......

Let me put it this way- while he IS your brother and he IS a human being, he is also a sexual predator and it's unlikely that he's simply changed his ways. Abusers rarely change.

He rightly needs to be in jail, or in counseling under legal supervision. This not someone who should be trusted with young children! While his family might disagree, truthfully the best thing for his family is probably for him to be as far away as possible!

Try to put yourself in his wife's place......If you were married and had children, do you think you'd want to know if your husband had a secret history of sex abuse?

I won't lie to you. You're may not earn any good graces from the rest of your family for coming clean. Your oldest brother will probably support you. Your mother might as well, since she expressed some interest in the past. I wonder why....perhaps she has some secrets of her own...

This is just my two cents worth.....

I know you probably don't want pity, but sweetie, I feel so sorry for you, having to go through all that with your brother.

That story is truly sickening and how you have coped with not telling anyone I have no idea! You are such a strong person!

I can totally see why you'd not want to bring up the past now and have to face it all again, but, not revealing all might cause bigger consequences, with your niece.

If he could do that to his own sister, then I'm pretty sure he's be capable of doing it to his daughter.

At the end of the day its obviously your decision and its a pretty big one considering it could pull a family apart, but my advice? i'd come clean and tell everything..

Can you just imagine this coming out in a couple of years time if something happens with your niece and the guilt you'd feel knowing that you could have done something to prevent it?

Also, its not as if no-one would believe you, because your other brother knows.. and it may ruin his life, but lets be honest, he's ruined your childhood and you'll always have that memory and there's nothing you can do about that..

I hope you make the decision you think is best and everything works out well for you and your family, good luck and god bless :) x

Disclosure can lead to self forgiveness which will help you in your personal healing. You are a survivor regardless of what coping strategies you've tried. There are multiple layers of issues that you have dealt with and now the hard part. Protecting the innocent child that is your niece. Once you've tossed that idea around, you then need to formulate a plan of disclosure or intervention. It's best not to try that yourself as you will encounter denial and shock. I would talk this over seriously with a counsellor and try to arrive at a point of understanding about what is the best way to protect the kids and get your brother the help he needs.

A part of me recognizes that he is a victim in his own way and also that he learned that behaviour from somewhere or someone. It could very well be that he has already crossed this line with his own kids in which case the intervention would require contact with the authorities.

If the above is true, then you also need to recognize that above all else, you have a moral obligation to disclose this information in order to protect these children. This cycle must stop before anyone else's life is damaged. You know what you went through with all of this, I'm sure that you would not want that for any child.

Please consider this very seriously (I know you do) and find a way to help these kids. Any destruction of his family is his doing, not yours.

Hugs

~ Chip

Such instances do happen and you are not an exception .Your role is very limited. There is no use of regretting/feeling sorry/remorse on what had happened when you are not in a stage and age to know what is right and wrong. You are no way responsible for the initial acts and also for prolonged things. At the most , you are victim of circumstances. Now you have disclosed to us and unburdened your mind from troubling thoughts. Past is past. No one can take the clock backwards. Nothing to worry about what had happened. Let the secret be secret for ever. No need to tell any one in the family except those who know the truth already. You need not to disclose what had happened and refuse to answer their questions. By disclosing the past, you will do more harm to yourself and to your family.Treat every day is a fresh beginning and enjoy the precious gift of life than wasting on things which you have no control on them as of now. When you get up in the morning, tell yourself that you are going to live in a better way and better manner. New relationships will substitute your troubled thoughts and guarantee a happy life which you deserve on your own terms. All the best.

You have no need to feel any shame, you never did anything wrong! I never told anybody and my sister told my parents when I was 26! I didn't get the reaction I wanted and my mother treated the older brother as if he was the victim. This was the starting point of my getting over it though and I truly am now and have been for a few years, I'm 38. You should probably see a counsellor. Talking about it to somebody totally unrelated will help.

That's sad that now you will question everything she says because of her past lies. I think the following: 1. she tried to conceive with the ex but knows it would hurt you to think you weren't the 'first' she tried to have a baby with. It also makes her look like she doesn't take parenting seriously if she were willing conceive a baby with an abusive man. 2. She got the brazilian wax and it hurt like hell and never wants to do it again!! Again, she doesn't want to tell you she did it for her ex because it would hurt your feelings that she won't do it for you. Although, she may not ever want to do that for anyone. (buy her laser hair removal) 3. Your penis is smaller and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I can tell you~the best sex I ever had was with a guy with about 4 or less inches and a small girth. Size has nothing to do with it, in my book. So PLEASE don't worry about your penis size!!!! I think she lies way too much and that is a terrible start to a marriage. NEVER tell her what you found out or how you found out. The only thing that will do is make her better a lying and covering up the truth. It will only teach her to lie better. NEVER let her know what you found or HOW!!!

First off you where a victim and need to have some counseling in order to deal with what happened to you. this is something that needs to be done so you can get your life back and take control of it. You have let this brother control you through all this, it is time to stop that control once and for all. You also need to call him up and tell him that you are going to go to counseling and that what ever you are advised to do you are going to comply. You are right in worrying about your niece, she may become his next victim and that needs to be stopped. For all we know he also could have been a victim and acted out with you, so this needs to be worked out. They say usually one that has been abused will abuse someone else, so this cycle has to stop. You say what good does it do for someone else to hurt, None, but you also shouldn't be hurting from this, that is why you go get the help to work through the hurt. It will not take it all away, but it will make it easier for you to understand and how to deal with the pain that this has caused you. This is about healing you and letting you live the rest of your life thinking good about yourself, which you are not doing.

OMG! I am swirling with all the things I want to say to you. I am so sorry for you! I am proud you are able to speak about it, but sad that it is with strangers to protect yourself from facing it. I too was sexually abused, not by a sibling, but by a friends older sister. (I am a girl too) First seek counseling for yourself! Address your own problems with this fact, and get stronger internally rather than rely on alcohol. Then you have to say something to someone in the family, and be prepared for the backlash. That niece of yours deserves NOT to grow up in the terror you did. She deserves to have healthy relationships and a mentally stable life. Both your brothers are wrong. One for being abusive, one for being silent. Your parents may have suspected, but if they knew would they support you, or think you are lying?

No family wants to have these types of skeletons and some, in an effort to cover them up, blame the accuser of being a liar or just crazy.

That is where the counseling ahead of the reveal will make you stronger. Sometimes in our lives we have to accept that some people are not any good for us, and that even if they are our blood relatives we have to cut them out of our lives like a cancer. This has hurt you in ways I suspect you are not aware of. My abuse occurred when I would go visit my father. Once my mother found out she stopped me from ever visiting him home again so that I would never be near that person again.

I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope the best for you. If you were strong once, you can be again!

The fact that this is on your mind and you bring it up here, means you dont have closure on this issue and you have concerns about yourself and your brothers family children. They appear to be all well founded and the seriousness of this cannot be overlooked. That is one thing but most important you are in conflict for something you had nothing to do with, a trusted family member betrayed you.

If nothing else get help for yourself. you are carrying to much guilt and actually is too much for you to handle by yourself. get immediate program of counseling for you Number 1. While it would be my opinion to talk to brothers wife as being the only person not involved initially and older brother is in part part of this as he didnt tell on his brother either. If your relationship with him is good then discuss your plan get counseling first. It will help you first and how to deal with it sooner or later you must confront the issue and the abuser. how it is done will be guided by you and your counselor.Please get help you cannot do this on your own, and you know that.You must protect your brothers wife and family children.

If this is true, you shouldn't be ashamed! I understand that you feel as if you will ruin your family by saying something but really it is your brother who has ruined your family. Don't think of it as being selfish. Look what it has done to you. You said there is a little girl in his life now...You NEED to say something FOR HER SAKE! He could be doing the same thing to her as he did to you. She might be feeling the same way you felt when you were her age. You have the power to save her.

Try talking to her. Try talking to your other brother that actually walked in on you. Baby steps!

Best of Luck!