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Adult family members ridiculing fat children...?
- Apologies for the two who responded already. I accidentally deleted the question.
I have an uncle (a widower) with two boys, ages 11 and 13 (give or take a year). My uncle is as skinny as a rail but both of the boys are fat (the younger on is obese and the older one is borderline). They don't eat terribly as my uncle is a great cook, but they do eat a lot, and their portions and intake are not controlled. We spent Christmas at my grandparents' with my uncle and cousins and some other family, and comments were made about the boys' weight almost non-stop. It wasn't constructive, it was ridiculing and humiliating, yet nothing is done to help them.
Their Christmas stockings were filled with chocolate and candy and a large bag of chips; cookies and desserts were abundant; and, in true Christmas form, a large turkey with all the fat-laden trimmings were available for the boys to self-serve, and self-serve they did, several times each. When they helped themselves to a late night snack of stocking candy, they were told "You're eating again?" rather than "If you're hungry, have an apple". Not once did anyone say "one serving is enough" or "no candy between breakfast and lunch", and yet comments like "you're well-marbled," and "you need to lose 50 lbs and you're still eating?" were flung out a least once every 10 or 15 minutes for three days straight from my uncle, grand grandfather, and my uncle's sister and her husband.
This really bothered my fiance and me as I'm sure it affects the boys' self esteem. Also, as someone who has never been skinny, I found the running commentary offensive. I'm not fat, but I found I couldn't enjoy my food lest the insults turn to me, next.
I'm really at a loss. I don't feel like it is my place to comment on how the boys are raised but on the other hand I don't think I can handle another family event like this. I also feel terribly for the boys. My family is great, they are just clueless and unsympathetic.
I am not close (geographically or otherwise) to my uncle and his children.
awkwardly balanced - yes it is their father ridiculing them. He and my grandfather, mostly, although my grandmother, aunt and her husband got in on the "fun", too. The only people who seemed appalled were my fiance, my mother and me. I had two older cousins there (well, younger than me, but 18 or 20 I suppose) and they didn't say anything either way. I don't know how they felt about it.
I think he's always like that. I saw the kids at their home and they half of what they talk about is food or fat related. Telling each other they don't need to more food, calling their stepmom fat when she's far from it (luckily she doesn't care), etc.
I suspect my uncle gets it from my grandfather who is very critical with this own children and grand children (he is the type to make you finish your plate even if you hate what you're eating and are full - to the point of throwing up). My grandfather also mistakenly believes that if you aren't skinny, you're fat; that the merest wobble or tummy makes you fat.
I make them sound awful. They aren't, really. Just a bit skewed in how they view the world, I guess.
Oh and yes, my mother is his sister, but my mother has a bunch of problems of her own. I won't go into details, but it wouldn't work.
All I want to do when I'm there is say "Do you feel better about yourselves ridiculing CHILDREN for the way they look? For their eating habits that you would rather make fun of than break them of?" Or of keeping a notepad and making a note of every comment made and presenting the tally at the end of the visit. Ugh.
2 Answers
- thisjustinLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
You are right you do not have a right to comment on how the boys are raised unless they are living with you. You do however have a right to defend the boys against the cruel and heartless comments made by your relatives.
- 1 decade ago
Oh my - this is horrible! I think I would say something...when you say that your "uncle" was doing the commenting - was that the boys' father? ("from my uncle, grand grandfather, and my uncles's sister...") I hope not!
If it wasn't the boys' father himself making the comments, I would call him directly and tell him my concerns. As a widower, he may feel the need to defer to others. He is doing this all by himself, and probably doesn't realize the impact words can have. Your proactive support may be just what he needs to address the comments before the next gathering on a personal, non-confrontational manner with the offenders. In addition, you could use that time to discuss what could be a way to address the obesity itself, and talk to him about how hard it must be to say no to the boys when they are growing up without a mother. Talk about how wonderful they are and things you noticed about them to assure him that you noticed more than their weight and that they have a lot going for them. Tell him that if he can accomplish good character in his kids, he has what it takes to help them be healthy too. Then suggest internet resources and let him do the rest.
I have obese (adult) people in my family - and family gatherings have always been about comparing weight the the wittiness of the hurled insults. My sister-in-law is and always has been a healthy weight and very attractive, but my obese brother constantly made comments about her body in front of their children. As a result, my nephew has severe body image problems - he is unrealistic about what women's bodies are supposed to look like (which interferes with seeing women of normal weight as attractive), and he himself thinks that his goal weight is 145 at 6'3". He looks like he has cancer, and I worry about anorexia. Words hurt.
Edit** My sympathies! - Do you think he is always like that, or was he self conscious around other family members and putting on a show? I don't think you can say a word to help those boys. I'm so sad. Is your mother his sister? Maybe she can say something? God knows, I've let my brother have it about his treatment of his family! It works too - cause he knows I'm right, but only while I am there - he puts his head down and stops (I've blackmailed him that I will reveal some nasty stuff about him in front of others- that shuts him up) lol! Wish it were truly funny though, and not just sad, and I wasn't just woefully inadequate to do anything real. It is painful to watch. At least my nephew got the message that not all adults think like my brother.
