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How does this narrative excerpt description sound and what corrections/omissions can/should be made?
This is an excerpt from a novel I am writing. I wrote it in pseudo-purple prose intentionally to convey the other-worldly and stellar beauty of a nebula. How can I fix it and make it better? Criticisms please.:
The nebula enveloped the ship, its catacombs of light and entrails of wispy gases struck its highly polished hull. Beautiful staccato rainbows danced along its surface, stroking dazzling kaleidoscopic melodies that the eyes beheld as visual symphonies. The highly obscured light from stars in the background vied for every opportunity to grace the memories of all who had the fortune to behold it, as it would be forever emblazoned upon them.
At the heart of the nebula the black hole whom was responsible for this beauty flirted with and harassed its blue supergiant companion in an embrace of deception and beauty. In reality it was tango of death, and although the star was in denial and delayed the inevitable, everyone knew it would eventually concede defeat.
2 Answers
- agilebritLv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
First of all, whose POV is this in? It sounds like an omniscient narrator, which doesn't work for me.
Your very first sentence is a run-on. Try: [The nebula enveloped the ship, its catacombs of light and entrails of wispy gases striking its highly polished hull.] "Catacombs" and "entrails" is creepy, by the way--is that what you were going for?
A black hole is a "what," not a "whom." Take the "whom was" out entirely and don't replace it; "the black hole responsible for this beauty" is fine. And there should be a comma after "nebula" in that sentence as well, along with one after "In reality" in the next sentence.
Who is "everyone"? And how is a star in denial? It's a lovely passage, no doubt about that, but your tone is kind of all over the place and it's not helped by whoever is narrating it. Either make it more creepy throughout, or get rid of "catacombs" and "entrails." And if you've got an actual character narrating this in limited third rather than the omniscient third it appears to be, adding in how it makes him feel would go a long way toward personalizing it and making it really sing.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
- Near the beginning you use the word "entrails", which doesn't go along in connotation with the other words you used.
- Instead of "black hole whom", it should be "black hole which."
- "In reality it was tango of death" should have "a" or "the" in front of "tango."
- I don't completely understand what's going on in the second paragraph.
