How do I stop reacting negatively to a child who is too much like me?

In your brief self-description, you state that you do what you feel you should do not from peer pressure but because of what is on the inside. Most of us are brought up from a behavioral perspective--rewards and punishment for deeds and behaviors. Children have the potential to contribute more if they do the right things because they believe they should. In the case of your child, perhaps from birth, he has not seemed to respond to behaviorist theory. To deal with him, you and other role models need to understand and address his ATTITUDES about right and wrong. You may have a diamond in the rough.

Your child almost certainly is internalizing your values. From following some of your postings, I view you as a excellent role model. Yet, is it possible that even you may be underestimating your child's ability to conceive of what seem to be abstract approaches to development healthy attitudinal motivations? Such approaches are an art, requiring more skills and discernment than the simple rewards-and-punishments approach of behaviorism. But consider the much more sophisticated level at which you are working!

Very recently, my five year-old grandchild was throwing a tantrum because his mother would not allow him to get into drawers and closets in my hospital room. I told him that people who love him do so much to please him that he must learn to please those people too. Surprisingly, he calmed down as his mother agreed with me. At his age, he seemed to understand that he had a responsibility to others.

All I can do is take this shot in the dark.

What I can say with much confidence is that the Skiinnerian behavior model, even when it works, leaves much to be desired. Children must not only do the "right thing:" they must also do it for the right reasons.

Wow. I don't know what to tell you. Aside from immediate discipline then positive reinforcement. (By discipline I don't mean spanking necessarily; but something immediate should be taken away i.e., if you do that then you can't/won't be able to .... etc; then when he tests the limits, follow through. Take something away. Then afterwards talk to him and explain WHY you had to take whatever it is away, and get him to understand that the behaviour/disobedience is unacceptable.

Positive reinforcement is good (and necessary too). It can't be all punishment with no building up. A childs self-esteem is important but so is learning obdeience.

I don't know all the details but, maybe he's ADD? Or something similar. ADD varies on an individual basis from child to child although most of the characteristics (criterion) remain the same.

My brother and I are both ADD - both impulsive, strong willed but, I was a slightly better listener than he was, yet I was more hyperactive. He had trouble listening, so did i, but I was more or less the "why?" kid. I usually obeyed though ... 9 x out of 10 ... I just mouthed off and said it was stupid lmao.

Also, as i am sure you know, certain foods are bad for the body (esp if a child is ADD). Artificial food flavours/colours, certain preservatives, excess sugar etc etc etc (I'm sure I don't need to tell you this lol). Eliminate things from his diet that could be affecting his behaviour.

Most children go through phases of disobedience, it's part of growing up. So maybe it won't last forever. Even so, positive reinforcement is probably the best way, but discipline IS necessary.

Have him tested for ADD. Eventually some things (behaviours) are out-grown and when it goes into adulthood one can train themselves positively to counteract some of the more negative aspects. Not all ADD people are the same so just because 10 do A doesn't mean that number 11 does A also. AND everyone always wants to talk the negative of ADD when there are more than plenty of positives about it. Smh.

If he is ADD you'll be able to be better informed on how to address the behaviour, if he isn't and it is something else aside from normal child developmental disobedience you'll be better informed then too and maybe even find support groups to help.

I hope someone familiarized with child psychology and behaviour can help you out a bit. I am sorry if I wasn't much help I just wanted to comment with my thoughts a bit.

I hope that all is well with you (aside from this) :)

xoxo ♥

Dear, what you are doing & why its problem that you already know ……did you know?

Let me do explain…..what you said “One of my children is just like that. He won't listen to a word I say. If I say, "Stay on the grass, don't put your feet in the puddle." He'll immediately say, "I'm just going to..." and do whatever it was that he'd set his mind on doing, regardless of anything I say.

He does it EVERY TIME. NEVER obeys me AT ALL. I feel myself reacting, then, to EVERYTHING he says - every time he opens his mouth I just want him to shut up, because he NEVER listens to me, so I feel like I may as well not exist - except as some little slave to obey every whim and command of King Jack.”

Now did you understand what happened here……? You doing negative order to him….in this world ever thing react against any act. This is principal of nature. No matter act is negative or positive .same reaction will be happen.

Then whenever be you say to him don't do then he did ….. So don't give negative orders; give positive & that result you will get positively. Happy!

In my sight this “order” system is wrong. Why we should give order to our kids. That's not necessary. Don't give order to him but make able to him that they can do orders himself. But use positive ways …..

This child sounds like he has special needs and you may not be able to apply the parenting skills that you use for your other children on him. By special needs I don't mean he is disabled, but that you may have to treat him entirely differently to get the behavior you want.

Do not tolerate his behavior, you are right in this. You will have to experiment, and as of now this child will require a lot of close monitoring and attention to get a point where you have some control. Your goal is to motivate the child to behave good on his own terms, by positive reinforcement. You have to find some compromise, which may mean thinking outside of the box when it comes to activities you place before your child. Your other children may be fine playing with a board game for example, but this child may simply not have the capacity or interest for such things. You have to find positive outlets for this child to grow into a good person; this means finding the strengths and weaknesses of the child.

I think that your child may be treating you this way because he does not respect you, in the way that his needs are not being fulfilled. Whether you are capable or not to fulfill his needs will test you, and either you will stand up to the job or you will have to accept that this child is beyond your capability. This happens sometimes, and it is important to stay positive regardless.

Rather than viewing him as a negative problem, you need to change your perspective to find a place where you can view him as a person who needs to exercise their gifts. You may not have to discipline your other children as much or as harshly, but don't think you are being excessive if the child is being excessive himself. Perhaps you lack ideas on how to discipline and/or motivate your child, for this I suggest heading to the bookstore or library and browsing through parenting books so you can find some that resonate with you.

It's a phase. Not all kids go through it but some do. They want boundries but they also want to test them. He may have trust issues with you from some experience that he has had. The truth is you give him the words to say or he gets a consequence. "Okay, Mom." That is the way I have to be with my 5 year old. He won't disagree or agree when given an instruction he just ignores me...sometimes he will argue...depends. Ultimately it comes down to..."because I said so." That's it, that's all. Ain't no little short person "who ain't payin' the bills, feedin' they self or puttin' they own clothes on they own back gonna be runnin' a mutha #$%&*'in thang". Now that's strait from Aunt Erma's *** Whoopin Academy. There is an article also by Steven Crowder of Fox News that might interest you called My Parents Spanked Me and Thank God They Did. Now if this kids is not yours that might prove to be a little more complicated. Other folks children have rights that my children don't have...the right to pay you to watch their little monster and tolerate this behavior without consequences. In my house..there will be consequences. Along with lavish care, lots of affection, attention, even just staring at them and watching them and being in the same room, yard, area that they are and listening to them...they know...ya know? I love my children and they know it. They also know that I fear for them, want them to raised right with more than a passing acknowledgement to God and also that I cannot and will not put up with some behaviors. My son still ignores me sometimes...mostly when I'm on the phone, chatting with someone or out in public...I don't know why except that he seems to sense I won't paddle his little but right there on the spot. He'll figure it out though soon enough that this doesn't work either cuz Mommie takes notes for later. His behavior has improved though...after having only a few discussions involving the broad side of a wooden spoon he and I have come to certain terms. I ask him to do something and he says "Okay, Mom". You can't give positive consequences for negative behavior. That doesn't happen in real grown-up life. Yelling doesn't work. Try getting right in his face real quiet with lotsa eye contact. Also talk to him when there isn't a situation that calls for discapline...like at bedtime when he is settled. Let him know what's coming if he doesn't start practising his good listening skills. Also remember..it's just a phase and give him good attention at other times during the day and at evening time. Very important. He needs you but he mostly needs you to set him strait. He has to learn to take instruction and follow through with directions. Walk over to him, put his face to your face, look him in the eye and say.."Mommie said keep your feet on the grass and don't step in the puddle. You say OKAY MOM. If not I spank your little butt til it glows in the dark. Understand me? Say it with me now..OKAY MOM!" If he complies or tries you gotta make a decision real quick. If he complies and says okay mom..make the biggest deal in the world..."OHHHH Music to my ears...yay..yippee...woohoo." If he does not..then give him one more chance with slower instruction...and still non-compliant..simply say...Okay then..and spank his little but til it glows. I guarentee you will only have to do this a few times before he gets the message. I only have to mention the spoon now most of the time. My son knows I love him...absolutely. It is love also to give discapline where it is needed most. Even God says so in biblical terms...sparing the rod? Not a good idea. You teach a child to respect you and then earn your respect. Respect isn't an automatic given.

he just doesn't believe you

some ignorant little kid was bugging me when i was visiting friends and there daughter like me because i was a kind person.the little boy would pull on my underwear when i bent over to weed the garden to make the little girl laugh

his mother kept yelling and yelling and he ignored her

he finally pushed my button and i [ grabbed him ] by the shirt and yanked him up off the ground to my eye level

i stared directly into his eyes and said [ stop it !!! ]

his eyes got so big as he was freaking out and when i put him down he ran away

some one finally got to him

_________________________________

some one with [ inner power ] has to reach into his mind and GRAB his attention

he has to believe [ this person really means business ]

he has to [ know ] this person CAN kick my BUT

called instilling the fear of god in him so that he knows [ he cant get away with it ]

______________________________

do you know any one that is a big person like a weight lifter that can grab him and not let him go till he [ gets it ]

you cant think your way out of this it takes [ brute ego force ]

you have to become the [ alpha dog ] leader of the pack

__________________________

http://www.canismajor.com/dog/alpha1.html

First let me say that I or my wife have never had children so my answer to your problem may not seem feasible with your four year old.

Let me share a scripture from the Bible and then see if you can look at your four year old and ask yourself, what is God trying to teach you through this child? You said your looking for a more loving way. Why ask people, ask the Father in heaven directly. Speak to him one on one and mean it. If your heart is one with God, you will know. Now may this scripture get you on the path.

St. Matthews, 10; 34-37.

34. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace but a sword.

35. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

37. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

We are living in the era of man's vengeance. God the Father has turned Satan loose for the last time upon earth, as he watches and takes notes. All of mankind is being tested and your one son is your test. You can't compare him to your other children that you have raised. He's different for a reason and that reason is connected with God.

You want a loving way to reach him. Find God but not through your church but through yourself, one on one with the Father and you will know if he answers you through your child who at this time you see as a problem that is beyond your scope of reasoning.

Hope I may have helped if even a smidgen. God has always been the answer throughout the history of mankind for all man's problems, big and small. Especially in today's times which are coming upon us at such a fast pace many within the world are grasping at men and world leaders who are more lost than they are. Re-connect with God the Father and believe anew again.

Note: You say he's a lot like you. let him be free to play in the mud hole if he chooses. I know you are trying to teach him and keep him safe, but if your faith is in God, then have faith in him again and trust him more than yourself. You know not your sons heart and your son is connected with the Father in ways beyond your scope of faith you have in God. For your faith lies within your own knowledge not God's love.

Firstly: Why should you listen to me??????? If my ideas are not hitting your expecations, won't you ignore those ideas?

Thought measures itself by what it wants to become. How do you react to such a statement? Do you say: yes, I like that notion, or no I absolutely hate it, or maybe yes maybe no? If you say any of these things (or any conclusion), the very statement is not explored further by you: only accepted or denied.

Every person is able to think: the process is the same, although the patterns created differ according to the circumstances which have shaped perception. We get committed to the paths our perception takes, thus we never re-inspect the conclusions we already have accepted with a fresh mind: always the is a reaction from memory, rather than an independent quest.

Striving to become brings about a self loathing (and also sometimes self pride) of what you perceive that you are. Attempting to become better than what your throught (viz through your brain's calculations) has perceived that you are, sustains the notion of a self, through which you compare/contrast other people's actions too in order to judge them.

You mention the crowd: for the crowd to exist, you have to exist (as an mental ideal). Action within the brain is not action in actuality: thus all the living (actual change) goes on in the brain (mental speculation/reasoning, theories etc). Most adults have firm expecations: society has successfully programmed our brains with information, so our behaviour seems (to a child who is not programmed) to be dull, authoritarian, stupid, intransigent, pathetic, and boring. Ask yourself: what if it is so?

It was Jesus who once said: "The person old in days won't hesitate to ask a little child seven days old about the place of life, and that person will live".

Why should he obey you (or anybody who puts themselves upon a pedestal)? Do you respect bossy high minded manipulative collegues/bosses at work? Normally these people are difficult to deal with and make our lives stressful: yet we think nothing of speaking down to our offspring, expecting obedience!!!

You (not personally but as a representative adult) are part of a society which is messed up! Children can perceive this: most adults do not seem as happy as their children nor their childrens peers, and they see it in us. Also it is often the same between adults and their older parents! Ego's belief's make adults neurotic, our habits make us boring, our expectations make us predictable. The older we get, the more stolid and confined patterns of thought become.

If you punish him, he'll eventually get used to the punishments and ignore them. If you give him reward for good behavior, he will only ever do anything when a reward is offered, meaning that he'll likely never enjoy something for its own sake, and likely develop to become lazy until someone else drops an ultimatum or offers a reward.

What ever you plan (scheme) in terms of a way of dealing with him will at best produce a child who becomes anti-conformist (will all the problems that creates), or at worst a conformist child suppressed into mediocrity by education and peer pressure.

Do you want him to remain curious and experimentative (being responsible for himself); or, do you hope for him to end up writing a question on yahoo answers in 30 years time asking how to subjugate his naughty children?

Every psychologist, philosopher and religious person has emphisized the importance of self respect: yet the world is in a mess, so has this emphasis worked? With our emphasis upon self respect has all war ended? Do we treat each other always with patience?

Have you ever asked the question: why should I respect myself, or have you already accepted this principle? What does it mean to have self respect?

Respect is Latin and its origins mean to "look at again": with regard to ego, its meaning is to keep measuring what you think you are for the purposes of forming desire (expectation) and fear (imagining events running contrary to expectation, or worse still running into the unknown). Fear and desire are two sides to the same coin.

That movement is mental, what use is mental speculation in the field of actual relationship? We all spout about what we perceive to be reality (which is a notion concerning the ranking of things and how they should be), and deal terribly with actuality (external actions).

Thought is great for learning to work a video recorder or learning math, but seems to perform less well in non-technical affairs.

Your expectations are being rejected and you fear for the future between you and son. All of that movement is in your head only.

There is a well known saying: "swim for the island, and the current will drag you out to sea" (or alternatively: best layed plans of mice and men often go awry). The same notion applies here: what ever you think is the right way to act is based upon "limited information", which is the foundation for all your logic. No wonder he is reacting against you, he can perceive that your thinking is limited.

So: Why should you listen to me??????? Am I above you? Hasn't thought created us both?

Thought produces questions in response to the answers we already have: then it tries to produce new solutions, the result of which is conclusions that replace the answers we had, which in turn produce new questions.

Thus any revolution in thought is not the sweeping away of any ideas, because you can only sweep ideas away by replacing them with some other ideas which in turn become the new dictators.

Thought is self sustaining, because it wants answers, and is never satisfied with what it has calculated. This has clearly not worked out for any of us.

So is it possible to study the question without trying to solve it? If there is a attention upon the question only (not upon developing a solution), then the answer we already have has no life left in it: the only option is conduct physical trials within the actual world (outside of thought). Those physical trials will be situation specific, so there will be no end to trial: thus relationship will never be predictable when the question is attended to without the desire to solve the question.

You may ask: how does one being this about? "How" means give me a solution! There is no answer, only a constant trial in which there is no "you" or "son", only action and reaction.

Do you dance by attempting to move opposingly to your partner? Similarly do you seek to guide your child when it is obvious he has his own views?

I do not know what you should do: I do not perceive him to be loving, or sweet, or irritating or annoying, no matter what your description implies. I don't know what is sweet or irritating. Puting it another way: I do know what I think is irritating and sweet, definately!!! However: it seems to me that my thinking is most limited, so I can neither trust it nor reject it. Thus I do not know what "is" sweet nor what "is" irritating, even though I know I think I do!

In this trifle, who is quick to react negatively: the one who believes firmly that what they think is so, or the one who neither believes nor dis-believes their own thinking?