Should I give in out of politeness, or should I put my foot down for the sake of what I want?

Question

I'm getting married next August. It's still a bit away, but already I'm having to deal with the mother in law trying to take over everything. 

Here is my issue as of right now:

 First of all, my fiancee and I are paying for everything. The only thing that my dad (who does not have much money) is paying for is my $300 dress. Even if my dad had the money, we really want to handle this ourselves, because we're both control freaks, we know what we want, and we don't want to argue over what's going down.

Anyway, my soon to be mother in law is having some issues with this. First of all, she thinks it's very unfair to us that my dad is only paying $300. She is all caught up in the idea that the bride's parents have to pay for the wedding (never mind that while she makes 90,000 a year alone for a family of 3, my dad makes 30,000 for a family of 5). She thinks my dad is trying to rob her son or something. 

To top things off, she wants to pay for a rehearsal dinner. My fiancee and I don't want ANY rehearsal dinner...because our parents WILL hate each other. We want them to meet, but the idea of having a rehearsal dinner is just a waist of time to my fiancee and I...and not to mention a disaster waiting to happen. Plus, we're already making plans to go to medieval times with the groomsmen and brides maids.

We've tried explaining this to her...but she insists that we absolutely have to have a rehearsal dinner, and that it's her role to pay for it. My fiancee has asked that if she wanted to pay for something, she could help pay for the venue (and we'll allow her to help us with organizing that, which is a HUGE compromise for us)...but she absolutely insists that it is not fair for her to even HELP pay for the venue when it's the bride's parents duty to do so (as if this is the law). We don't really want her to pay for anything, but since she's insisting on paying for SOMETHING, we figured we would give that compromise a try. ><

The bottom line is, she is being obnoxious by expecting my dad to pay. We're not asking her to pay for anything, so it's not like we're expecting her to dish out money while my dad doesn't. But she is insisting we have a rehearsal dinner, and that she plan it. When we finally decided to give in, we told her we wanted a small non-fancy dinner at some restaurant..but she's insisting we have this big backyard get together with catering and what not. So now my fiancee and I are back to trying to convince her NOT to have a rehearsal dinner. 

Should I give in and just let her do a rehearsal dinner and cancel the plans we're making with our friends...and also go through the stress of dealing with the fights that will break out between our two families? Or should I hold my ground and tell her "no". 

I cannot express how much we do not want a rehearsal dinner. I know it's tradition, but who cares?

And isn't it rude for her to expect my dad to pay more than 300? Personally I think it's rude for her to pay for just the rehearsal dinner, and for my dad to pay for the rest of the wedding when one is quite obviously more expensive than the other...especially when she and her husband make a good bit of money, while my dad is barely scratching by while taking care of his parents and kids.

Anyway. Am I in the wrong? I'm so stressed out. Sorry for the rant. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm in the wrong, or if I should hold my ground. If I AM in the wrong, how do I handle my fiancee...he's in the same boat as me through all of this.

fizzy stuff · Accepted Answer

It is very rude of her to comment either way on your fathers participation in this. It is NOT her business. And I think your fiance should tell her that her commenting on it is making everyone uncomfortable, and it would really help if she would just leave that topic alone.

Now for the rehearsal dinner, it is traditionally the grooms family honor to throw one. And it would rude for the bride and groom to refuse such a generous offer. However in your case, I think you are right to say "nothanks" -- she appears to be trying to steal the show and go all out in a style that does not reflect your wedding.

On your end, I dont think that offering her the option of helping with the reception cost was very nice. You are basically directing her money to what you want it to go toward, but a gift is a gift -- either accept it, or refuse it, but you cannot turn it into something else. Plus, why would you even want her involved with the reception? That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Anonymous · Answer

first of all, do not give in out of politeness. This is yours and your fiances day, not your dads and not his mothers. similar situation going on with my wedding and it's four weeks away. It is traditional to have the brides family pay for the wedding and the grooms family pays for the booze and the rehersal dinner. however, tradition is not even traditional anymore. you and your fiance need to present a united front right now before it gets worse. Don't get mean and nasty with them but don't let them treat you like crap either. each of you needs to go to your parents with the same speech in mind, this is your day and regardless of who is paying for what you both want your parents to be there. Tell them how you feel. You're getting married so its time to speak to parents like fellow adults. You can see where I'm going with this. I say have a rehersal dinner without your parents if you have to, just invite your friends to grill burgers, bring a dish to pass. The rehersal dinner is a great way for the bride and groom to decompress right before the big day. And the last point I'm goin to make is the amount of money people spend on weddings in rediculous....put a down payment on a house for crying out loud! I just planned a wedding with 200 guests for 2500$ and I didnt miss out on a thing. I got the dress i wanted, the ring i wanted, the dj I wanted and the minister I wanted. Good luck honey, you're gonna need it. don't forget who the day is truely about during your planning.

°ℓα∂у2° · Answer

It's okay rant! Don't worry. =)

If it were me, I would tell her no. Every time she brought it up, I would say 'we' don't want it. And when she goes on and on about it, I would smile and remind her its our wedding and we're going to do what we want for it. You're also right about the money part. We will be paying for our own wedding. No one is helping us. So they shouldn't have an opinion for it. 

For our wedding, we're not doing much of anything of tradition. No garter toss, no bouquet toss, no father walk me down the aisle, no 'not seeing each other before the wedding'. We know once it 'gets out' people are going to go nuts, but we don't care. This is how we want it.

love-life · Answer

this is a really tricky issue. on one hand you want to get along with your future family, but a wedding is also suppossed to be what a bride and groom want. as for the issue of her insisting that your dad pay more, you will have to just tune her out and tell her that you respect her opinion, but that you and your fiance would like to pay for everything yourself (which by the way, i really respect). if she chooses to push at and not respect your wishes, you will just have to ignore that. as for the issue with the rehersal dinner, you and your fiance have to choose what is best for you. is it worth it to compromise if she will drop her issues after that? or will this only upset you guys and cause a stressful night before your wedding? i say do what makes you two happy. you don't have to disrespect her in the process, just tell her that this is your special event, and that you would like to pay for and plan it as you wish.

yeahyeah · Answer

Put your foot down! Thats very rude of her to expect your dad to pay when hes barley hanging on himself. If you dont want to do a rehersal dinner than don't. Its not her wedding. Just tell her that you dont want her to pay anything. Try to put it nicley but firm, as you dont want to casue troubles in the relationship between you and your fiances family. Tell her that she can pay for whatever else she wants except the rehersal dinner and tell her to stop putting your dad down like that, its not his fault. i hope this helps a little bit. Good luck and best wishes!

Blundt Cake · Answer

Let her organize and pay for the rehearsal dinner  BFD
And stop discussing the financial aspects with her.
She wouldn't know unless you told her who was paying for what.
You have nearly a YEAR until the wedding-- the parents can meet and get to know each other within those 350 days.

Diane (PFLAG) · Answer

Either put your foot down now or prepare to be a doormat for the duration of your marriage...

? · Answer

Put your foot down, it's YOUR wedding!!

Trending News

Should I give in out of politeness, or should I put my foot down for the sake of what I want?

8 Answers