Serious and thoughtful answers please...I really need help.?

Ok realistically I think there's a lot of tension in your home and I know exactly hat you are going through. I've been through problems like that, but you know what? It's amazing how much some men appreciate it when a woman does things like that for him. Doing laundry is something I started doing for him a little more when we were living together and he literally proposed to me soon after. I didn't want to but it made him feel like I was someone that could take care of him. Let's face it, we don't want to replace anyone's mothers. But if the guy is working and you're at home, what's the problem? You want to play house but you don't want to do the work. I'm not saying you should be a stepford wife but when you're a couple you do stuff for each other. You do it, not because you want to, but because you know it will make the other person happy. Just like he pays the bills you can contribute on other ways. Why should that really be an argument? As far as his anger problem I think he doesn't know how to deal with problems effectively. And you get heated so things escalate really quickly. I don't think you should question the relationship to get out. Relationships are hard work. It's not an easy ride. But if you can get through it, then you gain so much and grow. I know it's hard for you to imagine right now, but if you stick it out, you will be glad you did. Try and make things a little easier on him. I know you're pregnant and tired, I understand that feeling. But don't argue. There's no faster way to wedge a couple apart. Once you begin to feel tension rising, don't argue. Just tell him that it's ok if he wants to talk about it later. Even if every bone in your body wants to let it all out, understand that HE is not capable at that moment so just be the bigger person and give him some time. Sometimes women have to be the better person to let the man become a better person. Sometimes couples are not ready to discuss things at the exact same moment. And that's ok. But when you push and push, then things will only get worse. Please go to a couples therapist. It will help you guys a lot. Good Luck

The answer is counseling. Since he's resistant, I would suggest you find a premarital class/counseling at a local church. My husband and I went through that and its a wonderful way to work through problems with another person there to help...that way its not "counseling for crazy people", its a class for you to help have a good marriage.

He clearly has some deep issues with anger and substance abuse. I'd recommend putting the quit smoking on hold and focus on the alcohol.

You also have some issues. Why aren't you willing to do his laundry? The secret of a good marriage is that you should always put the other person first. If you were his wife, would you wash his jeans when you're washing yours? A little extra effort might buy you a whole lot of goodwill with him. Marriage is a partnership, and if you're serious about getting married you should figure out what you want out of it. A premarital class would help with that too.

Good luck.

You may think the once-a-week sex is because you are pregnant, but it is quite possible it's going to get worse and worse. I have been married for 14 years and I believed my wife's excuses for about seven years, then realized it was all lies. She doesn't love me and never had any interest in me, that's why she never wanted sex. She only wanted an object that she could boss around and ignore.

When our kids were little, sex was maybe 4 times a year. These days, it's never. I am not happy, and neither will your husband be. Think the swiss cheese and drinking are bad now? Just guess what it will be like when you have a little kid running around to take care of and make noise.

I know you don't want to hear this, and a lot of people (mostly women) will disagree with me, but I suggest you find a way to show your husband physical affection several times a week. Oral, manual, whatever it takes. I don't know why this is so hard for women to understand or to do.

Try getting him off several times a week, and see if he stops complaining about the laundry.

You're strong enough. Don't tell yourself otherwise, either. You already know you're terribly unhappy and need to leave, you just lack the motivation to do it. I think you should leave, not just threaten. You need to physically leave "his house" and find a place to stay for now, maybe with parents, siblings, etc. You need to do what's best for you and your unborn child, right? Isn't that your #1 priority? If he can't grow the hell up and stop screaming and getting drunk then he needs to be alone until he comes to that milestone. Your relationship moved WAY too fast and you both know it and I think you're both regretting it. I hate to say it, but you should have thought about all of this prior to bringing a child into the world. Now if you don't leave, that poor child will be raised with 2 parents who don't like each other much and that's all he/she will know. That's how that child will grow up and accept what love and marriage should be and that is NOT what love and marriage should be.

If you leave, he'll know you mean business. Maybe that'll spark a change, but men don't change for their significant other's. That's a known fact. When you enter a relationship with a guy, what you see is what you'll always get. Next time, think twice before you tie yourself down to a drunken louse.

It sounds to me like things could escalate to a dangerous level, especially if he drinks. I know it's very hard for you right now, but think of your child-to-be. Would you really want to put him or her into a situation like that? He sounds like the type of person that could spin out of control very quickly and do something stupid. All this stress cannot be good for your baby.

If I were you, I would see about staying with someone for a few days- friend, relative, anyone who can provide you with a safe haven while you get things straightened out. I understand that you probably don't want to leave him, but be honest with yourself- do you really think staying is the best decision right now? As for the sex thing, you're pregnant. Your hormones are going out of whack right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's part of the reason you're lacking in the libido area.

(On a side note, if it's "HIS" house, he should be able to do "HIS OWN" damn laundry :])

The choice is up to you. You have to think of yourself and your child- is it really a good idea to stay with him? He refuses to seek help, and things are only getting worse. I feel for ya. Hope everything works out okay for you.

Counseling is not for people who are crazy, that's what medication is for. Counseling is for people who cannot effective solve their problems on their own. Who cares if he's trying to stop smoking right now! Smoking is not a potential threat of physical violence towards you and your baby. He needs to get help and stop drinking now. Everything you have described is classic of a relationship that has progressed too fast and is now too far along to do anything easy to stop it. If you were not pregnant, would you still be with him? Probably not. So don't let it stop you from not being with him now. His comments about the house and finances leads me to believe that he doesn't respect you and does not see you as an equal in your home or relationship. The fighting will continue until something is done to stop it.

Don't wait for him to agree to go to therapy with you...go by yourself. You need someone objective who can help you see your situation clearly. You may also want to go to al anon, which is a group that helps the friends/families of alcoholics. Frankly, from my perspective, it does not sound promising. If things are like this now, they are not likely to get better when the baby comes. I know that you don't feel strong enough to walk away, but just think how trapped you'll feel when you have a baby to take care of, you'll be even more exhausted, and you'll want to protect your child from the dad's temper.

Don't think you aren't strong enough, because you are. Sounds to me like you'd be better off on your own, than being in the midst of contstant arguing, belittling, and damaged housing.

P.S. abusers usually start by hitting walls, and gradually move to using their significant other as a punching bag.

Get the help that you need. Surround yourself with supportive people. Go to therapy. And take steps now to make your future more secure emotionally.

I have a friend who left her husband when she was pregnant, and it was really hard, but she's doing great. Think about the environmnet you want to raise a child in. Is this what you want your kid to think is normal behavior?

Good luck.

He needs to first concentrate on quitting drinking. He can't do that on his own he needs help and he needs a AA meetings etc. This is real you are pregnant and your baby can feel and go through what you go through and if you are stressed then your baby is stressed too. He needs to think of his child right now this is really serious. I understand why you are yelling because of your hormones. but he needs to calm down and he is yelling because he is quitting smoking and gaining drinking even more. He really needs help. I understand you are not strong enough to leave but you need to go and stay with someone for a while to get drama free for the baby sake. And the not enough sex thing. He needs to realize with the yelling you don't feel sexy or being bothered and he needs to change really quick. Good luck and talk to him seriously and he needs to grow up and listen.

Stop and read your post as if someone else wrote it and was asking for advice. What you are going to see is that this is not a good environment for the child that you are bringing into this world and that no child should grow up in this environment. As long as he is and alcoholic the fights are going to continue.

There isn't any successful marriage that does not break out into a fight. What needs to happen when you have a fight is that one of you propose a compromise. You both need help. Check out my source.