Was I right to kick my 19 year-old son out of the house?

Question

My son is 19 years old and a college freshman. He had been the pride and joy of my life for all these years. He wasn't the best student, but was still far above average, and was involved in lots of extracurricular activities. He was well-respected and liked by teachers and classmates, and always made us proud. But just a few weeks ago, I learned that he had been hiding some VERY disturbing facts about himself for a long time. 

He came home for Thanksgiving break about a two months ago. Just a few days after Thanksgiving Day, he was going out to meet up with a few high school friends. I trusted his judgment fully, and let him go. Then around 2:30 am I was woken by a phone call that shattered all my preexisting impressions about my son. I learned that he had been driving to a fast-food restaurant with a Blood Alcohol Level of 0.14, and was doing 75 in a 30 zone. Further tests revealed heroin and cocaine in his bloodstream. He was detained by the police when he had crashed headlong into another car. He was ok physically, but the 4 people in the car he hit were all severely injured, and two of them will be in a wheelchair for life. I thank God that none of them were killed. 

I was absolutely devastated when I found out what had happened, but that was only the beginning. I desperately did not want to believe that my son had done something so terrible, so I later asked him what had happened. He was hysterical, and broke down. He admitted that he had been going behind my back throughout high school abusing drugs and alcohol, and that he had driven under the influence "dozens of times." I demanded to know where he had gotten the money, and he admitted to me, crying, that he had spent years manipulating his buddy Travis, who is extremely intelligent but extremely naive and kindhearted. I was absolutely shocked. The two of them had been best friends for as long as I remember. They went to elementary school together, played on the basketball team together in 5th grade, and were in the same Sunday School classes. Ever since his sophomore year of high school, he had been persistently lying to his friend about "my father losing his job," "my aunt having cancer and not being able to afford hospital bills," "my parents can't afford my tuition," and many many more, in order to get the money to buy drugs and alcohol. All this time, Travis had no idea that he was being deceived, and when it finally came out, he was heartbroken and inconsolable. 

My son has taken about 8 or 9 thousand dollars altogether. Travis' father is the owner of an enormous company, and has a salary of 12.5 million, so it somewhat eases my conscience that they would not have struggled to make ends meet. But NOTHING excuses my son lying and stealing from his best friend for so long, and NOTHING excuses the four innocent lives that he so needlessly ruined.

I was so angry to learn this, I immediately told him that he has 10 minutes to pack whatever he can and I screamed at him to get out. I threw him into the streets (and several feet of snow) with little more than the clothes on his back, and said that I never wanted to see him again. He had no car, no cell phone, no computer, and I immediately closed down his bank account and destroyed every item and photograph in the house that reminded me of him. He was due to make several court appearances due to the DUI crash, but I refused to hire a lawyer and planned on letting him suffer the consequences. He was sentenced to 5 years. I have not seen or spoken to him ever since that day two months ago, and have no knowledge of his whereabouts.

The whole situation still boggles my mind, and I still cannot comprehend what exactly went wrong. We live in a good neighborhood, he went to a good high school, he comes from a loving and supportive family, and he was very well-liked and respected by his peers and teachers. I know that most of his friends do not use drugs, and his best friend Travis is as clean as a whistle. Honestly, he has everything a teen could ask for. No family problems, no financial problems, no academic or social problems. I have zero clue as to what might have motivated this behavior. He never offered any explanation, and was still trying to defend his actions by saying that "everyone does drugs and alcohol," and "He could afford to give me that money."

There is nothing I can do right now since he has started carrying out his sentence of 5 years. Everyone in our neighborhood knows what happened, and several teens have finally decided to come forward to enlighten me about his history of drugs and alcohol and lies and theft. But it's been two months since that tragic day, and as a parent, I have to wonder if I was right to disinherit my child for such a reason. Did I do the right thing?

? · Accepted Answer

No.

 you should try to take him to a good counsellor .

You can not run from your responsibility.

whatwouldiknow · Answer

Ohmigoodness you poor poor thing. ........ 

This has been a massive shock to you, how could you have ever known how to deal with it when you never imagined it in the first place. The fact that he has shown no remorse, only made excuses, must be by the far the hardest thing to take. 

His manipulation of his friend, the theft, the lying, no conscience, all of that.. is the behaviour of a junkie. Or, it's the behaviour of a psycopath. Your an intelligent woman, and you've known your son since birth. Which is he, a psycopath, or a junkie?. If it's the latter then there is hope.

If he does come good then I think you will decide for yourself to reach out to him. I dont think you will be able to help yourself. But he absolutely needs to acknowledge everything he has done. Conscience is the key here. 

Did you do the right thing? Yes, at the time. He gave you no reason not to. But look for that consicence in him, and if you see it, salvage what you can. If there's nothing there then I hate to say it but it might be less painful for you to leave things as they are. 

You are a good Mum and this is shocking. !!

? · Answer

I think you are wrong to disinherit him completely, but I think you did absolutely the right thing in making him leave your home. If you get the opportunity, I would find a way to let him know that you do love him and are concerned for him, but you cannot and will not condone or help foster his use of drugs and alcohol. In doing so, you are only making him worse. As for how he turned out like that, addiction does not discriminate. I am a recovering addict myself, and I have used drugs with the most "unlikely" people. As for hiring a lawyer or whatever, he is an adult, and due to that must pay his own consequences for his actions. Maybe this is the thing that will bring him the desperation that he needs to see that a life of drug abuse is no life. Addiction, which is an illness, though, should never cost him his mother. Maybe his freedom for five years, maybe some money in restitution to his friend, and maybe some other consequences, but you must realize your son is SICK. Not bad, JUST SICK.

TimeWillTell · Answer

As a parent, you can only do the best that you can do. As I read your story I understood the concern about your child, now that the issues that he has struggled with are starting to unfold and it has sunk in that "he is officially gone and facing a prison term" you probably realize you made a drastic decision of putting him out. One thing that I can tell you is that, although you're feeling guilty or flustered at this moment the choice that you made was based on an impulse. You were so upset that, putting him out was the first thought, even though there could have been alternatives you went with your first instinct. It doesn't matter how well you raise a child, you can give them the best of the best, but at the end of the day that child will still make his/her decisions and will have its own mind. You can raise a child in the most perfect environment, but when he/she gets older they still will go astray to make mistakes of their own, but eventually they will learn from them. As a parent, all you can do is put circumstances in God's hand and let him take care of the situation. What you did was not wrong, it was just your way of saying "I love you son, but I got to let you go and learn the hard way". The only thing you can do now is just pray and continue to ask God to watch over him and reunite you both one day that you may forgive him and he will understand your decision and forgive you as well. Stay strong as a mother and continue to stay in prayer, just give it to Jesus and he will work it out. Be blessed, Cemecia M

Anonymous · Answer

What a terrible predicament you have found yourself in.  I can understand why you threw him out. Drugs do terrible things to people, same as alcohol.  The lies are the hardest thing for a parent, and the unending stream of "why" that goes through you. 
He is in jail and you hope that he has learnt by his mistakes, but will he?  My opinion is that you did the right thing by kicking him out, but I think you would sleep better if you got in contact with him and explain how hurt you are, explain how you do love him and want the best for him and you will do your best to support any actions he does to get his life back on the right track.  Maybe help him to complete his studies and help him to get a job when he gets out. Help him to stand on his own two feet and to take the responsibility of his own life that you would hope a man would take. I wouldn't let him move back in. I think it would be fair to Travis if you talked it out with him a bit, explaining how as a mother you want what is best for your son and that you understand that your son HAS done the wrong thing and Travis is a good person, and the "why"s must be going through his head too.  Ask if Travis can think of anything that could steer your son in the right direction, even if he never wants to talk to him again.  
If you know that you haven't abandoned him and are willing to forgive him and help him it will help make you feel a lot better and a better person, even if you don't let him move back in.  Best wishes to you from me.

Anonymous · Answer

I AM a young girl after listing out the things you said have got to know that among all the Parents they usually thnk that their children will never commit a mistake but they still do it n parents often sort out their things but nw when comes to ur chid mam he is a teenager boy where one can unknowingly move toward the way where they are unfamiliar with the results of future, every parent use to guide their children with the best experience and knowledge they had, but still bcoz of the childishness they use to commit mistakes, mam i would suggest u a small thng that is bring back ur son n give him a one more lifetime chance so that he can regain his life forgetting the past done deeds and you r the only one person who can also serve his life better or can push him behind the bushes its all up to 'U'.

Zulu · Answer

yep. your son has no respect for u or your house, or his friend. he's going to have to find out the hard way how hard life is. I'm about to kick out my 19 year old daughter for the same disrespect, and i have no qualms about it. She is disrespectful. thinks she is grown. threatens her mother with physical violence.Has been to court earlier this year for the same thing. And hasn't changed one bit.

She recently got a job, 2 jobs. But she smokes weed with her money. Still shows her mother no respect and expects to stay in this home forever. i don't think so. I will tolerate no disrespect in my house. My mother didn't do it, and neither will I. **** 'em! these teenagers are crazy these days. And it's mostly our fault.

We wanted to give them "everything that we didn't have growing up." And that spoiled the,m. Now they expect to be taken care of for the rest of their life. Why pay a bill if you're going to do it? As far as i'm concerned they can all get the **** out! I hat disrespect in ANY FORM! And I shouldn't/we shouldn't have to live with it as parents!

we raise these kids, we teach them, and we try to give them everything we can, and they could care less!!! Yes u were right to kick your son out. Trust me when he gets out and life starts to really kick him in the ***, he will act completely different the next time u see him!

? · Answer

I really feel for you. It must be tough to discover that you son is not the person you thought he was. You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is. He made his choices and is suffering the consequences. That is hopefully how he will learn to make more constructive choices.
My advice to you would be to follow your own inner guidance: when thinking through the various possible courses of action, how do you feel? Do what feels good. If you feel bad about having disowned him, you can always try to make contact again. 
Meanwhile take time to nurture yourself. Don't beat yourself up about it all. They were HIS choices.
Good luck.
xx

Gordan Stijak · Answer

Your son has problems but you seemed to care only for what you want to see and for what you want to know. O.stead of forsaking him to the outside world, you should have given him help. But now he's in jail probably wishing he was dead. Show that you care for him. Show that you still love him. Care more about rehabilitation than retribution. It'll show him mercy but keep your boundaries straight. Jail only hurts him. Rehab will help more.

Anonymous · Answer

What he did was wrong but you have to be there for him. My better went to prison and my mom didn't just kick him out on the streets into the biderness cold. If I was you I wouldn't be able to even think, where could my own son be out there in this world or what prison or if he is even alive. I would be so heart broken and wouldn't be able to live on with myself. Not saying your a bad parent but he did wrong but just because someone did wrong doesn't mean they are a bad person.

JoMarie · Answer

When I read this my heart cried for you. I noticed this was 5 years ago, did things work out? Did you find peace with your decision?

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Was I right to kick my 19 year-old son out of the house?

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