Adoptees: What did your APs do RIGHT?

What Linny said, and;

I felt more safe and secure with their consistency, routine I could rely upon no matter what and counting on them to never let me down (be late picking me up from school etc)

It gave me a great sense of security that my adoptive mother was there for me consistently. I was not dumped in childcare and she was always there when I came home from school. Every single day.

My adoptive dad was also home at the exact same time every day. To see him walking up the garden path toward the back door at 6pm every evening without fail really helped me feel secure.

It's a simple thing, but that's what gave me a feeling of security.

I doubt many people with 'get' this unless they too have fear of abandonment and anxiety when a loved-one disappears unexpectedly.

The best thing that my parents did for me was get me into therapy. I started therapy when I was young and was able to resove many of my issues through talk and art therapy.

My parents also were very honest with me and expected the same from me. They were open to my anger and insecurities and always let me feel what I needed to without taking it personally.

They also loved me in a gentle and kind way--no "tough love."

I also like a relatively consistent life, and my parents were consistent not only in their schedule but also in their discipline.

I'm sure there are more, but that's what I can think of right now.

The best thing my parents did was treat me like a normal kid. Just the same as my brother and sister. No different, no better, no worse.

I was adopted from age 7, and now have 3 adopted children myself (siblings).

My parents (I don't think of them in any other way) were wonderful. Time, love, patience and consistency in their rules were their guidelines. I don't remember them ever raising their voices in temper, and they certainly never smacked, or even tapped - and if ever a child deserved a smack it was me. I swore, I stole from them, I broke things, I had wild tantrums, I was a nightmare for about 2 years. I was used to having to fight for everything and this new home seemed like an alien landscape. They must have been tested to the limits of their patience but they never let me know!

Now hopefully the child/ren you adopt won't have such severe issues but the same basic framework applies - time, patience, consistent discipline and, most of all, love. By asking this question it sounds like you're doing pretty well already!

To LinnyG - I'm sorry your experience seems to have been so negative. I was adopted from a care home in the UK after my bio mother dumped me at a friend's house and went travelling - nice! If it wasn't for my APs I would have grown up in care or shuttled between foster homes with no stability and no family. They weren't the problem, they were my saviours.

They were solid good people and consistent in their concerns. Predictable if you like but at least that was a good security blanket to have.

I'm grateful for two things; that they were not Jesus-y Bible Thumpers, and that he didn't try to uh, you know, with me. I know tons of adopted girls who had to fight off dear old "Dad" and many who couldn't.

My adoptive parents didn't do anything right as far as I'm concerned because they told me bad things about my mom everyday. I knew it wasn't true and found her last year and she's really smart and is admired by lots of people. I always wanted to be with my real family and know them and my adoptive parents told me I couldn't. They made me feel like I was a prisoner. I never fit with them and they didn't care. I wish my adoptive parents let me know my real mom and maybe if I'd lived with my real mom because now I feel my adoptive parents had no right adopting me. My adoptive parents didn't respect my feelings and they lied to me about my mom. They were crappy parents as far as I'm concerned and I'm finally happy with them out of my life. I live with my real family now and things are going better for me. My mom is helping me upgrade so I can go to college and I'm really happy now because I don't feel dumb and controlled by my adoptive parents. Maybe one day I'll talk to my adoptive parents again but probably not because like I said I'm pretty happy now and have lots of support.

It'd actually be easier for me to list the things they did wrong, since there's so few of them things to list.

LinnyG's right. It's not what our APs did or didn't do (though obviously what they did will be important to those who were abused by their APs), it's the fact that we were adopted at all, with all that that entails.

My suggestion on the what to do/don't do front: Don't try too hard! Trying *too* hard is possibly worse than not trying hard enough 'cause if the APs are being that overbearing, then the kid's gonna pick up on that and thence with the pressure of pleasing you just because you're trying to so hard and so need to be pleased ... iyswim?

What not to do? That's easy - don't keep their own truth from them, that's the only part my APs ukcfed up on. :}

You said it sista

Your question implies that our trauma came from something our ap's did or did not do. We were adopted. That IS the problem.

It is especially difficult when an adoptee finds out what lengths their adopters went to to obtain us...you know- like going around a country's adoption laws by having the f Mom come to their country.

You are already a prime example of "what NOT to do." Too late.