How to deal with my fiance's ex wife.?

I'm going to be blunt here and you probably are not going to like it.

If you plan on spending the rest of your life with your fiancee, his ex, the mother of his children, comes with the territory, unfortunately for you. If you can't handle it now, you need to do some serious thinking about getting married. If you really love this man, try to reach a common ground with this woman and accept the fact that her problems will be yours as long as these children are minors. Whether she is right or wrong will not change anything. She is there to stay unfortunately.

This is not meant to be harsh or malicious, but you need to look at the situation realistically.

edit: The only thing you can change is the way you feel about the situation, that is if you choose to marry this man. And yes, I know what it is to deal with a bipolar person. I dated an attorney who was bipolar for a couple of years. It's not easy, but the question is, what do you want more?

You all need to work together for the good of the child. She has unresolved issues with your fiance that need to be worked out. Suggest that he talks to her without you around and not to even bring you up. The ex should not act this way whether you are there or not. (hacking into account) Regarding you and stalking etc. He should find out what the issue is. Why does she dislike you so much? Maybe because you are now taking the place of her in the home and will be a step parent. She is trying to run you off because she doesn't like your new role. You all need to sit down together too. Discuss boundries and accepted behavior. Don't make it into a "you do this, or you never do this." or you will not get any where. Even though she is nuts let her have some dignity and it will be far easier. You are all committed to the child having a good home and no stress.

It sounds to me like you need to step in talk with you fiance about having the kids live with you guys on a permanant basis. Kids need alot, including security and consistency. You meantioned that you share custody of the kids, if the custody is through the courts, than your fiance needs to talk with her to see if you can have the kids with him full time, you may need to have your custody changed, and you can do this better, if you start documenting everything that is happening, call to have a welfare check on the children, when you are being told about these child endangerment situations.. If you are ready to be a wife, than you are accepting those children as your own, and it appears that the mother of these children needs to get back on her feet and straightened up or move on with her life without the kids. As a future mother to be, you really need to step up to the plate of being a mother and protect those children, it's a huge step, it's going to be hard, but you can do it. Talk to your own mother if you need some support, or sister or cousin or best friend... Have them help you go the distance, because this situation is going to need all the family support that a person can get, it's not an easy road for the kids or you, but it has to be done, because kids don't have a say in the situation. They need a voice, so be that voice. If the mother gets better, maybe at that time you can have a heart to heart and work out visitations for a few hours or what ever is going to work, as well as counseling for the kids.

Personally, I think she is doing it for the attention. Ignore her when she comes to you two complaining of drama, act as though you could care less. Do NOT let her get to you any more than you already have or you risk loosing your fiance and the kids. My boyfriend has 2 kids as well, but luckily there isn't any drama with his ex-wife.

About the clothes.... get enough clothes at your house for them to have enough changes of clothes plus an extra set or two, and to avoid having them end up at her house- send them home in the SAME clothes they came in.

Tell her that you and your fiance are extremely busy with work and trying to plan your wedding and that your even busier when you have the kids and politely tell her that she needs to stop calling so much. Explain to her that the kids are safe in your care and that if there is an emergency YOU will call HER or if one of the children want to speak to her you will of course, let them call.

I'm just curious what state you live in? How is an alcoholic mother, who forgets to give her kids very important medication, doesn't do there laundry, and can't even control one of her own kids- not grounds for a custody appeal or something???

Just be strong and don't let her get to you. Think of it as your back in junior high and the school bully is messing with you- just to get a reaction out of you. Because in a way- this is the same exact thing, she just wants attention... so don't give it to her!

Good luck and I hope things go well for you!!

Been there done that. This is what MUST happen immediatlely. He must NOT answer the phone, let her leave a voicemail - if it is NOT urgent - do not return the call. He should NOT be talking to her during the day, he should NOT be returning her calls . . . she trying to manipulate the situation (and she's doing a good job doing so)

1. You cannot control her or what she does or what she says to other people. Your fiance MUST understand and adhere to this. Meaning do not buy into, talk about or let her manipulate the situation.

2. As for the clothes - um, only send what they have on them - what she sends back (WASH and REUSE and send them back in -you can play the game or just simply send them back in the clothes they came in, seh will eventually understand HER laundry is HERS and HER obligation to buy them clothing IS HERS - if she is ALLOWED to manipulate the system - she WILL~

3. Thomchez has a lot of knowledge - listen to him

I couldn't do what you are signing up for. I think it's even harder when you don't have kids on your own. I would never ever get involved with a man with kids - as long as he has kids, there will always be the ex in his/your life. It's never going to be just the two of you. Good luck!

She has got to be worth something,she is the kids mother and nothing can change that. Im afraid you are stuck with this lost lady, maybe you could think about letting her know that she is worth something, as by the sound of things she has had a very tough time with life. Its funny how a little time and effort can change what is a difficult situation for you.

keep getting DFACS involved. and go to court to get full custody, and let her have supervised visitation.

and I wonder if those kids really are bipolar. they are probably showing 'symptoms' of it, but its really them acting out b/c of their mother's poor parenting, the divorce, new stepmom, and just all the drama in general. parents are becoming lazy nowadays, and instead of actually parenting, they put their kid(s) on meds to keep them under wraps. of course, shrienks and the drug companies are all too happy to go along with this, as it means more money for them.

they need to be taken from her, weaned off those medicines and put in cognitive behaviorial therapy.

I feel your pain and I want to help you, but you may not like my advice. But here goes anyway...do not marry this man until he has proven that you two can have a life without his ex-wife demanding so much of his attention. he needs to step up and put things in proper perspective. His ex should not be occupying this much of your lives. If he can't assert himself and show that you guys can have a happy life without her constant involvement, then I want you to picture the next 10 years or more dealing with her drama. You can save yourself some stress and some tears. Put the burden where it belongs...on your man's shoulders and if he doesn't show that he is capable of handling this, as least you know now instead of 10 years of unfulfilled matrimony with drama from a baby's Mama.

Every time she is drunk - EVERY TIME - call DCFS. DCFS is one of those agencies where the squeaky wheel gets the grease...eventually they will HAVE to do something about the children.

In the interim your fiance needs to contact DCFS about the medicine issues...if dad doesn't get off his duff and push back regularly then nothing will ever change. He should also consult an attorney to see what, if anything can be done to change custody (like give him 50/50 shared).

As for the drama - if neither of you feed into it (stop taking her calls - pick up the voicemail and limit discussions with her) then eventually she'll stop trying to bother you with it...