What would you do in this situation?

Question

My best friend, Susan, has custody of her 16 year old daughter and her 12 year old son. She's been divorced for 7 years from her husband and during the entire 7 years he has fought for full custody, repeatedly broke the parenting plan, been held for contempt of court, perjury, and has been convicted of embezzling money from the county. He's the most evil, spiteful, manipulative man I've ever met. Unfortunately because he has worked as a paramedic and is now a firefighter, people ASSUME he's a good person. (of course, once they get to know him most think he's a jerk) Susan is the antithesis of him. Loving, caring, Christian woman. She works with at-risk high school students and was a special education teacher for years. She has patience and understanding well beyond the average person.  5 months ago her daughter began acting out and became belligerent and rebellious. She kept demanding that she wanted to live with her dad. Finally, she was sent to temporarily live with him. Susan's thoughts were that she'd see his true colors on her own and would eventually want to come home to mom. Instead, dad has refused to allow daughter and mom to see each other and has been letting the daughter do whatever she wants in an effort to be "fun dad" and encourage her to stay. (That's against the law, especially because Susan still has legal custody!)  For 5 months there has been no contact until finally Susan and her attorney decided to enforce her custody rights and bring the child back home. She tried calling her daughter, and the phone was disconnected. Next she tried calling the ex and he said, "She WON'T be coming home".  Finally the attorney sent a letter to the ex's attorney stating when and where they should meet to bring the child back to her mother.  He didn't show up (that was 2 days ago) and today Susan was served with papers.  The daughter has gone to a judge requesting an order of protection stating she's "physically afraid" of her mother and doesn't want to go back because "mom might hurt me again".  This is an absolute, BLATANT lie. I've known the daughter (manipulative and defiant) since she was tiny and Susan doesn't have a violent bone in her body. She doesn't even cuss much less strike out.  I'm FURIOUS with the little brat for playing these games (and that's what this is to her, a game) and Susan's heart is absolutely broke.  She's--understandably--devastated.  
I'm not going to give Susan any advice, it's not my place to do anything but support her and love her through this, but if it were me I'd be saying "SEE YA" to the 16 year old and giving all her possessions to charity.  Easy for me to say since the shoe's not on my foot but still how I feel. Just out of curiosity, what would you do?

ms manners · Accepted Answer

A 16 year old?  Let her stay and deal with the consequences of her actions.
I would pack up anything she left behind and ship it to the dads house.

If it were a younger child I would fight, but this girl is almost an adult.

Its entirely possible that once the two parents stop fighting over her both the ex and the daughter will lose interest in the power struggle.

The easiest way to win a tug of war is to let go of the rope.

? · Answer

Well you never completely know people, so don't rule out that your friend is abusive.  It doesn't sound like she is, but you're not with her 24/7.  A lot of parents (my mother included), change a lot after divorce and/or in stressful situations.

Anyway, I would let my daughter live with her father as long as she wanted.  She's 16, and I know from experience that it's old enough to make your own decision about where you want to live.  Maybe she just gets along better with her dad...I do.  If she wanted to come back, I would let her.  I'm wouldn't turn away my daughter even if she did those things to me.  Most likely, the daughter is having a hard time.  Being 16 is hard enough without having your parents fighting about you.

Oceanlady · Answer

Teenagers are a handful - to put it mildly. Your friend would be doing herself a huge favor to let the girl's father have her! She's not a small child, so as a teenager she can say where she wants to live.  Sadly, the kid will pay the price since she will probably end up in trouble of some kind - but it will be on dad's watch!

I think your friend should have some parting words with her daughter. Tell her that she loves her unconditionally and wants her to be happy, and that she can come to her at any time - she will not stop being her mother.

Melyssa · Answer

well because it is not my daughter and i have no feelings involved in this thing I would do the same thing.. stay there then but dont come crying back to me.. its hard to say what i would do if it really was my daughter. I think I would go to court and she would have to prove I had been hurting her in someway and at the same time my ex-husband would have to prove that hes being a better parent than me. I think a judge might see thru that if there has never been any allegations before and now shes allowed to do what she wants etc plus he is in violation of custody...I think I might try to fight for her in court but she is 16 she has a say where she wants to live. 

My husbands friend had a similar thing happen to him. He had a daughter with someone else ( hes now married to another woman and they have a small son together) The girl was in her mid teens, her mom was a drugaddict so he took her in with him. She was a mess, failing is school, on drugs etc etc, well he got her out of it, clean and doing well in school and then all of a sudden she wanted to go back to her mom ( to live) he said fine but you wont be coming back here, she left and few months later was crying how she wanted to come back. he didnt take her. 
I dont know if I would really have the heart to do that but at somepoint I guess you have to let your kids make their mistakes, although these ones could shape up their whole lives..

Brooke · Answer

I am in a similar situation with my 13 year old adopted daughter.  She is actually my husband's biological daughter and we got full custody of her 4 years ago and her mother does not see her at all.  We do allow her mother's family to have contact.  Anyway, she decided that having rules was no fun so she started rebelling.  Then we grounded her.  So, she told the school guidance counselor she was being mistreated at home and should be sent to a loving home at her maternal grandmother's.  We have been in constant struggle with the grandmother.  She has tried to sue us for property that didn't exist and tried to put bad thoughts in our daughter's head.  Well, the guidance counselor knew she was lying and told her to suck it up, more or less.  Then, the lies started at home.  She lied to me about her father and to her father about me.  It was a big uproar.  Then, she threw a fit and we packed her bags.  She decided against leaving because I'm sure she knows she has a really good life here.  We told her that if she threatened again, she was gone.  Sometimes you have to do that.  I will hate to see her go, but she is not going to get us in trouble with her lies or hurt someone in this house.  We have two young children as well.  It is a sticky situation.  Teenagers can really be a handful.

? · Answer

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Anonymous · Answer

Fortunately my family isn't dysfunctional , if she wants to be with her father let her, she is 16 and not a baby.Your friend may have skeletons in her closet that you are not aware of.

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What would you do in this situation?

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