What would you do in this situation?

Question

My MIL is a smoker and she smokes in her house. I had reservations about allowing my children to come into her house due to second hand smoke, but my husband has convinced me to allow it on a few conditions. The first one being we let her know a week before we come over and she stops smoking in her home and she definitely does not smoke around my children, she needs to go outside when they are there and wash her hands before she touches them... I know, I know... I'm a little over protective... but apparently there is such thing as 3rd hand smoke now??? I've been getting increasingly more uncomfortable with my kids coming over there as there's still smoke in the furniture and I'm not entirely convinced she's not smoking in the house, so on Friday she came to our house to watch our kids while we went out and she spent the night. We got a hotel room and didn't come home until the next morning... Well today as I was cleaning out my guest room I found cigarette burns in my comforter, the pillows reeked like smoke and I also found cig butts in my trash can. I am furious. Neither my husband nor I smoke and we definitely do not allow it in my home, and she disrespected us so much by doing this. The guest bedroom is right next to both of my children's rooms. I haven't said anything to her yet about it as I didn't want to say something I'd regret so I'm giving myself some time to calm down but I would like some advice on what I should say to her... Do you think I'm over reacting? Please help?! Any positive advice would be much appreciated!

Update:

I understand that I may have disrespected her by telling her to live in her home and that was not my intention- I just hate it knowing my kids are around it in such close quarters... and whether or not smoking is the reason, everytime my son comes home from there his eyes are runny and he's coughing (sorry I guess I should have added more when I explained the situation) and I don't want to take the chance that smoking is the cause of this... but I am horrified that she smoked in my home, in my bed, burnt the comforter, smoked so closely to where my children were smoking and did not tell me. Maybe I'm over reacting but I feel like I should say something to her

Update 2:

*to where my children were sleeping not smoking lol

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Unless his mom just recently started smoking, it didn't harm your husband any growing up. 
since he is still breathing. Your child will be fine too. If you let it. We have enough paranoia in the world already. It has to stop somewhere.
My father smoked 3 packs a day around my sister and I, plus we had 3 grandparents smoke around us too. We turned out normal healthy kids. We didn't have any breathing problems, asthma, or any of that bs that people think happens to kids with parents who smoke.
Shame on both of you for telling someone what they can or cannot do in their own house.
I would never tell my dad or mil that they could not smoke in their own homes. How dare you.
If second hand smoke was as dangerous as people believe it is, there would be nobody alive in their 50s and 60s. They all grew up in clouds of smoke from their parents WW2 era.
I guess you're afraid of dying from car exhaust too? That's even worse.
Lock yourself in room with 20 smokers, then go home and lock yourself in the garage with the car running. Then come back and tell me which was worse.

Ro · Answer

It is disrespectful of her to have smoked in your home.  I would definitely recommend relaxing a bit on the whole going over to Grandma's rules and regulations.  As long as she doesn't smoke in her home while they are there, I'm sure they'll be fine.  Many kids when I was growing up, myself included, had parents who were smokers.  I turned out just fine.  I'm not saying my parents were right to smoke around me, but if I withstood years of second hand smoke with no obvious complications, I'm sure a little 3rd hand smoke every now and again won't hurt them.  Just for the record I am an athlete and have played soccer for the last 18 years.  

I would just ask her about what you found, tell her that if she can't go a few hours without a cigarette while babysitting, she either can't babysit or will have to use nicotine gum.

? · Answer

Well,  she was doing u a favor, not the other way around and your husband isn't dead yet, right? I'm sure she smoked more around him than she could ever possibly smoke in front of your kids.

I say u have every right to make those demands but she also has every right to quit offering help. Maybe she should just visit u guys from now on, and get rid of the overnight stays.

? · Answer

The handiest tune approximately this certain crisis might be "Hotel California" by way of The Eagles. Still a pleasant album--I have an ancient vinyl replica that I received for my 14th birthday in (choke) 1977.

Anonymous · Answer

"she disrespected us so much by doing this"

True. However, you 'disrespected her so much' by trying to tell her how to live in her own home. 

This whole situation sounds nutty -- is second-hand smoke bad for children? For sure. Are occasional brief exposures to "third hand" smoke going to pose any risk? NO. It is "de minimis." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_minimis

Remind yourself of that, that the 'risk' here is de minimis, and remind yourself of how important the grandparent-grandchild relationship is, how beneficial Grandmas are to children, and just drop it.

Anonymous · Answer

If she is that dumb, dumb enough to not figure out how to cover her tracks, she is too stupid to be left in charge...

"Sorry but since you smoked in my house, I can't let you hang around my kids"

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What would you do in this situation?

6 Answers