Biological Mom wants me to call her "Mom"? HELP!?

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm adopted too, and a few years ago my birth mother wanted me to call her "Mom." I did, but I didn't feel comfortable doing so. She didn't raise me, and was always bashing into my adopted mom. Please don't make the same mistake I did - she (your birth mother has NO right to tell you what to call her - NONE) you call her what you feel comfortable with. Tell her if you don't like it, then you can leave and get out of my life! You didn't raise me, you don't tell me what to do or how to live my life. I'm 18, an adult, and I deserve to be treated with RESPECT. If you don't like it, or can't do that, then leave. You shouldn't be forced into an awkward situation - it'll just get worse. I had to leave my birth mother partially because of that. I wish you the best.

Edit: Dear frockney,

You're right to a degree that "Blood is thicker than water," however, that's not always the case. My birth mother was physically and emotionally abusive to my siblings, and I was next. And I was physically abused as a toddler by my foster parents. My adopted mom and dad took me into their home, loved me, raised me, and I'm a better person because of them. Had I stayed with my birth mother, I might have turned into a criminal, or have died at an early age. So, even though my adopted mom didn't give birth to me, she is more of my mom than my birth mother. I didn't choose to be born by my birth mother, it just happened. If I had the choice, I'd never have been born by her.

You know...it bugs me soo badly when people make requests like this that are emotionally charged knowing really that the decision is yours. My bet is she knows it isn't just a name and there is more going on than just asking you to call her mom. She's asking you to acknowledge her in a way that absolves her of her original choices, recognizes her in a way that makes her more comfortable and makes you and from what you said your acknowledged mother uncomfortable. I can understand it and it probably means a lot to her--but still...don't kid yourself-that is what is going on here. You can have two moms and calling her mom could come in a natural way over time but forcing it when you didn't volunteer it first kinda bites. In talking to other adoptees that I know--when their biological parents have asked questions like this first--my friend's typical reaction was exactly like yours--a little bit of a panic button, and many unfortunately start to get scared off.

You are are 18--you can be respectful and loving and tell her nicely that you'd prefer to keep calling her by her first name and that you care about her and am excited about the future but you hope she understands your feelings about it and it doesn't get in the way of how she feels about you.

Ok this is a tough one, but I think you have a very good point, she didn't raise you, and I make no judgment at all against your biological mother, but she made the decision (what ever reason she had) to have someone else care for you, (keep in mind she might have done it for all the right reasons) but I am sure you now that, but if you feel uncomfortable with calling her mom then simply explain to her why, but I really don't think your mother that raised you will take offense to you calling your biological mother "mom" as well, the relationships are completely different and nobody can replace the mother that raised you (not ever you biological mother)

So the decision is all yours over time you might come to find that you want to call her mom, keep in mind you can have two moms, they just might always be two completely different relationships.

I hope I didn't offend , I wish you the best of luck. Only you can make the decision don't let her make you think you have to call her mom.

It's ultimately up to you what you want to call her. Sounds like she wants to be part of your life now so she wants you to call her mom. If it were me, I wouldn't call her mom because I wouldn't want to call two people mom. The other person is your real mother, even if she's not biological. Tell your biological mom that you're really just comfortable calling her whatever it is that you call her. But tell her in a nice way. She might feel comfortable if you called her mom but you woudn't, so it'll be the same problem.

first of all, she is a mother: she gave birth to you and that makes her a mother. She is also a parent. The word "parent' means "one who brings forth offspring." She nurtured you in her body for nine months...continuously...through morning sickness, backaches, labor, delivery and other possible complications.

Giving birth is a big deal. Women still die in pregnancy. Pregnancy is hell on a woman's body and losing a child to adoption causes lifelong pain.

She is uncomfortable with your calling her by her first name because she is your natural mother and she wishes to have her relationship to you recognized. When you call her by her first name, it seems that she is just a "friend"...but we do not give birth to our friends.

I agree with those who have suggested that another, similar mother title might be appropriate, like "ma" or "mama".

This would take nothing away from the mom who raised you.

I think your biological mother is being pushy and a little selfish.You should tell her that you are open to having a relationship with her,but you already have a wonderful "Mom".

just tell her you are not comfortable with that.

The name mum or mummy or mother MEANS something to most people. it represents the relationship, the sacrifices, the blood sweat and tears that you put into a child. I EARN that title every day.

It is unfair of her to tell you to call her mum. it is ok if she says 'i hope one day you can call me mum.' but she should be patient with you.

if she pushes the issue after you say you're not comfortable with it, then you will just have to be blunt and explain that she is NOT your 'mum' and so you will not be calling her that.

Sometimes reunions with biological parents will be difficult. I would let her know that she is NOT your mom, the woman who raised you is. She is the one who fed you, clothed you, walked the floor at night when you were sick, took you to the doctor, helped you with your homework. Giving birth to a child doesn't always make you a "mom". She is your birthmother, and that is all. She needs to accept being called by her first name and leave it at that. Good luck.

Be honest and I agree with the others who suggested a compromise.

I have friend whose first mum wanted to call her by her original name but obviously as she had grown up being called by the name her adoptive parents gave her. They talked about it and they came to a compromise which made them both happy.

I had the opposite situation to you. My son started calling me mum early into reunion which felt wierd to me at first. It had been very important to him that I acknowledge I am his mother/he is my son. He is my son and I am his mother but I hadn't raised him. His adoptive mum has been a mum to him. Now I am comfortable with it has we have our own history and I have been a mum to him which included him living with us for 2 1/2 years. However you need to call your mother what you feel comfortable with.

If you aren't comfortable calling her this, perhaps you could compromise and agree on a nickname. It would be unique to your relationship, which might satisfy her, and still give you arm's length distance. It might me a foreign word for mother, such as the French word, "Maman," or something that sounds similar such as "Mimi."

If she complains, you can reasonably suggest that the mother who raised you is the mother you call "Mom," and that while you want to honor your biological mother, you respectfully want to reserve that name for your mom. Hope this helps.