Someone pls help: Bipolar spouse.?

Question

My husband has bipolar disorder and he is a rapid cycler. I have no friends or family around that i cant talk to and i really just need to vent and get some useful perspective and insight in how others deal with their bipolar spouses so I can deal with my situation better.

I'm having a really difficult time deal with the intense mood swings, they are happening daily, sometimes even 2-3 times in one day. He just started seroquel XR and is on day 4 of it. 

Im struggling like hell not to lose my mind over here. I dont know how to deal with his back lash. One minute im the best wife in the world, im so beautiful, im so smart, im such an awesome mother and he loves me so much. The next minute im a terrible wife, i dont respect him, im not good enough here or i dont give enough there, he regrets ever having met me, our marriage is all around terrible and doomed to fail, or hes gonna cheat on me bc i cant keep up with his sexual needs, im a ****, im a *****, hes gonna leave me, yada yada yada.  Nothing i ever do is good enough. I could say exactly what he wants me to say or do exactly what he wants me to do and its never good enough. He whines "i need more affection" so i show him more affection. Fail. He says show me you love me with actions, so i do that. No, thats not enough, just tell me verbally, so I say "i love you" but he scoffs at me and says he doesnt believe that i mean it. Im constantly to no end giving of myself and doing things for him to reassure him but to no avail and in return i have to defend myself to his incredibly painful remarks and hurtful behavior. On top of that, i just had a baby 8 weeks ago and I have a 3 year old to take care of. I'm stretched so thin with the giving and the giving and picking myself up and dusting myself off time and time again from his bipolar back lash. I dont know how to handle it. I dont know what the right thing to say or do is to prevent another argument or to dodge another bullet. Bc even when i think im saying or doing the wrong thing, it turns out im not. And then i just get frustrated and I want to explode on him, and sometimes i do. My nerves are shot, my patience is worn thin, i dont know how much more abuse i can take. I love him, i know i do, and when he's not in the middle of an episode hes an amazing, wonderful, loving man. I try to remind myself of his good qualities when things get really tough but its just not enough. When things calm down again its easy to tell myself that its ok, ill get better at handling his disease and this medicine will kick in soon and some "normalcy" will be re-established. But then I'm scared to death to think that what if it doesnt get better, and i dont know if i can deal with this for the rest of my life. I dont want to be miserable, but i am. It's really really hard to stay positive in this kind of situation and i cant imagine living my life either feeling this way or walking on egg shells to avoid feeling this way. But we have two beautiful babies together and I really dont want to walk away.

What are some of your experiences and ways of coping with your bipolar spouses? How do you protect yourself from them and what do you say or do in this situation to avoid making things worse?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hi there,

I have the insight of being both a married woman and the one who's bipolar. Here's my advice:

Tell your husband he's hurting you. Tell him you love him, that you're trying to be there for him, but because he keeps changing his mind and you're not a mind reader, that you can't anticipate his needs.

Tell him if he needs love, come to you. You'll do your best to recipricate, even if it's just a long hug.

Take time every day to talk for five minutes. My husband and I usually do this at night time while in bed. Talk about your feelings, what went right today, and what didn't. This is especially important during med changes. What needs work. Talk for a few minutes on why you love each other. This really helps.

Your husband may feel helpless, and feel weak for having to take medication. I did for a long time. But let me assure you, he is always in control. His illness may put thoughts into his head, but he's the one who voices them. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, not demonic possession.

I have had to work very hard at keeping my mood in check. I too, am rapid cycling. Before I was diagnosed I had been in and out of 5 different hosptials in 2 years. Since being on seroquel, I'm finding that I'm feeling quite good.

When it comes to his appetite, sexually, you might not be able to keep up. Cheating happens in all sorts of relationships, but is more common with people who have bipolar disorder. Pornography can be a great vessel for couples with this problem, as long as it's something you feel okay with. I can assure you, pornography will not make him want to cheat on you. He might feel really happy that you understand that need and are willing to make sacrifices. You could try renting a lesbian pornography and giving it to him to see how he responds.

The rest is posted on your other question

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Someone pls help: Bipolar spouse.?

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