How would you handle this? Mother's only!?

If she isn't capable of taking care of herself and her baby and your force your wife into kicking them out into the streets how would you feel about yourself? What if something happened to them?

Instead of going to extremes you should start slow and help her build up some independence. Paying rent and for food are a great starting place. After she can do that on a regular basis she can start chipping in for things like internet, telephone and cable tv. Now that those are paid for she can learn all about utilities; water, electric, gas...etc. What she contributes doesn't have to be one third of the bill, but it should be something so that she can get into the habit of planning for bill payments.

Why can't your wife visit your counselor with you? I don't see why you can't discuss this matter as a couple, after all this issue effects both of you and you need to work it out and come to a compromise that works for both of you. It's called making a marriage work!

And yes, ultimately if she refused to take any responsibility I'd drop her off at a shelter with instructions of how to get in touch with welfare. I would keep my grandchild safe until she has made appropriate accommodations for a little one unless she fought me on that. There is no reason that child should suffer or be taken by social services and placed with strangers.

How much of your wife's not wanting her to move out is because of the grandchild? I would consider telling your wife how you feel and come up with realistic obligations for the daughter and if she refuses to meet them than she has to leave by a certain date. I would say daughter needs to find a full time job and start paying rent. Needs to pay babysitter and clean up after self. If she won't do this tell her she needs to find own place, maybe negotiate with your wife for the grandchild to stay even though it's a huge responsibility it might make her more likely to agree to kicking her daughter out. If she does find a job set up a time line for when you want her to move out. If she is being productive and really trying and if you can financially help you could offer to do like first months rent or first grocery bill etc. I agree with you that she needs to have something done otherwise she will continue to use you and your wife until you put a stop to it.

I think you are right to feel this way. Your step daughter is an adult and she also is a mother and should be taking care of herself and her daughter. It's not really you or your wifes problem. I understand your wife worrying, but you can't be expected to put up childish behavior from an adult child who has the capability to care for herself yet chooses not too. Letting her stay isn't helping her or her daughter any. I think it;s time for a mediation with your wife. Tell her that the both of you need to agree on a deadline for her adult daughter to move out, either that or she pays rent and if that doesn't happen in an alloted amount of time then either she goes or you go.

She is only 21, you have to remember it's a different era. I had a 1 year old, house and solid job with no degree at that age. Nowadays, if you don't have a BA you're pretty much struggling to find a decent paying job. So her age isn't really the problem, it's her attitude. She has no ambition, no goals, etc. I think you need to give her the option of going to school while working part time. This will give her a goal and a realistic future outlook. Community college is affordable, my brother in law works part time and pays for all his own classes and books. He's also 21 and lives at home. He's studying to be a teacher.

If she doesn't take this option then she has no respect, she just doesn't care and maybe being thrown out is the only way she will change so I say do it.

You wrote 1yr ago - "Ive been in a 14+ yr marriage with a wife who has and does let her now 20 yr old daughter walk all over us. She has backtalked, been disrespectful etc during our entire marriage"

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Am_a....

Your wife is clearly enabling her daughter to go no where with her life. This child needs some tough love so she can grow up.

Yet you do not want to get between your wife & her daughter.

I'd strongly suggest marriage counseling. This way your wife can hear what needs to be said from an outsider.

Sorry you are in this situation. I'm not one to suggest you end it either. But honestly marriage counseling is the only thin I can think that can help get through to your wife.

Make her pay rent. Give her chores and responsibilities. Tell her she needs a job or she's out. Her life is too easy. She has no need to get a job or to be responsible for herself. People need a purpose. With out a purpose, they turn into lazy slobs. Basically, force her into the real world. People need hardships and struggles to survive, it gives character and perseverance. Don't allow her to mooch off of you any more. If she wants to live there, she has to positively contribute to the family. Give her an ultimatum. Discuss with your wife what you need to have happen for you to be comfortable letting her daughter stay. She might want to take her daughter's side over yours, but be firm. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Find a consensus between the two of you and be strong enough to enforce it. But basically, the bottom line is your step daughter contribute positively to the family or she can find another place to live. (Yes, I'm mean like that.)

wow, someone really needs to sit her down and tell her she is not a child anymore. she is a mom and need to make it for her and her baby now. it's find she have you all to help but there's no reason for you all to be taken advantage of at the same time. it's nothing wrong with baby sitting but sometimes tell her no not this time. let her keep the baby and remind her it's not the babies fault. that the baby need you anyway. responsibility is something that she must learn. and tell her jobs is hard to come by and you should try to keep on.

should it get to a point where she can't get a job, limit her support and help with the baby. don't cater to her.

and you know what, it's not if you all don't have anything to do, you don't have to. just tell her to keep her own baby sometimes.

as toward your wife, she needs to be supportive of you and you her. you all must come together on some kind of agreement and understanding on how to deal with the situation. as long as your stepdaughter can go to her it's always going to be problems.

the daughter need to see and know that you all are on one accord.

good luck

"If she isn't forced to leave then she never will!!!"

...it's that impossible for you to competently step-parent here and find a better solution?

You mention _your_ counselor -- can you not get a _family_ counselor?

"I know there were countless things that should have been done prior to this point but I'm needing some advice on what to do now?"

Yeah, well, apparently the 22yo is not the only one who will have to make the best out of some past mistakes. You sound very harsh, very angry. It takes two to fight; there seems to be little chance that you are not partially responsible for the amount of discord in the home. Why should you not be 'forced to find a way to live with the bad decisions you have made' in neglecting to parent this person/marrying somebody who hadn't parented well/whatever the case is? What respect are you bringing to her and her baby?

Have you talked to the stepdaughter? Let her know how you feel about everything because it's your life too, and your relationship. Failing that, she is an adult, and has been for a few years, she is old enough to live on her own. If she refuses to move out, suggest that she pays a bit of the bills because she is (sometimes) earning money and she is an adult.

i think the biggest project isn't to make a huge project of this, for this is going to in basic words reason more desirable branch & hostility. Nor might want to I, (no longer understanding the nature of the daddy), matter upon his help. granny made a sound psychological element--attempt to make the mummy-in-regulation experience "coated" even as your daughter keeps to maintain her judgements & judgements. there is no want for a disagreement. the mummy-in-regulation will see over the years, that it truly is being finished, that she has no authority, & i believe it would want to be resolved with civility--no "enable's social gathering & have this out" type of project. VERY unfavorable. Water off a duck's decrease back type of project? you're heading in the right direction about "causing more desirable issues." from time to time we experience we want to "take action" even as this isn't mandatory in any respect. an additional desirable project--the more desirable her concepts are blatantly rejected, the more desirable aggressive she'll grow to be.