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Will you give me your c/c on my poem ZEPHYR please?
I'd love your comments and/or critique for this poem. I wrote it for my father just after he left this world. I hadn't even read it in years; I was too raw then.
Thank you.
Zephyr
by Victoria Tarrani
© 200202.16
Silken wings
ride upon a zephyr
across the sea
dancing
to the fluttering beat
of a new melody.
Quixotic thoughts
slip through the mazes
of imagination
to glitter and
twinkle
in green eyes.
Mortal loss
everlasting gift --
dad.
~
I appreciate your advice and thoughts, I don't give the TD's.
~ tori
11 Answers
- 9 years agoFavorite Answer
Oh my gosh Tori, you wanna talk about strength in presentation, YOU GOT IT goin on girl.
A wonderful expression, not sadly delivered as often happens.
This reminds me of the loss of my gramps. I loved it Tori
- 9 years ago
I love your use of Zephyr
It helped add to the tranquility of the peice.
The way you clarified quixotic with imagenation
Brought me to euphoria.
That entire stanza,
Would have held a diffrent meaning,
Without it
I wish the both of you peace.
Just a Soldier
- ?Lv 45 years ago
This is truly a special gift. No, Santa is not part of nature, but of the season we celebrate; not the reason, of course. I like Bruce's C&C of the individual haiku's. I love the whole, but my favorite is too darned hard to pick out. Isn't zephyr your haiku and scifaiku name? I'm sure it is. It isn't an arcane word, just rarely used, but it is absolutely correct in the haiku. Thank you and may you have the most wonderful Christmas of all. .
- 9 years ago
I love the delicate, ethereal quality to this piece. It is like the soul, or what I imagine the soul to be unencumbered by a body.
Though I'm not a big Star Trek fan my kids were. There was one in which the star ship was trapped on a planet by beings of thought.
Good concept and well executed.
.
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- Anonymous9 years ago
This should not be taken as a negative criticism, but as a description. The imagery and feeling here is so ethereal and unmasculine that I sit bolt upright and go "hey" when I get to dad in the end. Either he was a blithe spirit in life or you have captured him in a filligreed and delicate way.
Nice to see you, thanks for adding me.
- IggyLv 79 years ago
Peaceful and beautiful thoughts to honour the memory of someone deeply loved.
Hopefully the ocean will present no obstacle to those silken wings.
Lovely!
- RosalindaLv 79 years ago
Hi. I hope that you are not raw any more. This poem reminds me of my uncle i'm sorry for your lost. Stay within God sight.
- Anonymous9 years ago
great read tori, glad you are back in good health and are posting again.
