Would you reply to a letter from your bio-mother?

Tara,

It doesn't seem to me as if you really want to. I think you feel guilty about not wanting to and you are trying to talk yourself into it but you are really not feeling it. And you are throwing up all kinds of walls in this post. The "blah, blah, blah" is classic defensive strategy.

I think before you do anything you should discuss this at length with a therapist. If you are holding on to that much bitterness, there is no way this relationship will every succeed. You have to get to a point where you can forgive her in order to have any kind of relationship. And to be clear, forgiveness is not about her. It is about you and letting go of your anger and bitterness so that it doesn't control you.

I,also, fear that if she hasn't changed, you will be hurt even more. Or worst, she has changed but you are so angry, that you don't give her a chance.

If you need to do anything, just write her a short letter and say, "Thank you for writing to me. I'm happy to hear that you are doing well but at this time, I do not feel comfortable having contact with you."

Regardless of what you do, I don't think you should do it (or not do it) without having a therapist help you go through this potential minefield. You need someone who is going to be rational and who is going to see things for what they are..something you might not be able to with all the emotions you are feeling.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through.

I believe that you should answer the letter.

This is your opportunity to get everything off of your chest. It might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

You can share your honest feelings, rip into her, and (best of all) tell her that you are successful in spite of her.

I think you may regret not contacting her. *Not* contacting her might prevent you from having piece of mind. You will always wonder....

If you say what you have to say to her, that will help your wounds to heal.

You have MUCH to be proud of and she should know it!

Let her see that you have survived, prospered, and become an intelligent & kind person.

Whether or not you choose to "mend" the non-existent relationship, is completely up to you.

If you were to choose to do so, that would be completely understandable and no one could fault you.

I know this is something that is tearing you apart. No matter the choice you make, you will suffer from all those emotions rushing to the surface again.

I think writing to her and letting it all out, will only help you, in the long run.

You have friends that care about you here, and will support whatever you need to do. ♥

Most of all, remember that there is *no* wrong decision. You have a right to choose to do, whatever feels right for you.

My birth mother had a similar background, but I was relinquished at birth and did not have to experience that part of life. I can understand where you would be bitter and angry, and at the very least wary of whether she truly has changed or whether this is either a manipulation, or just something she's checking off on some 12 step program.

I'm impressed by the seeming true remorse and the lack of excuses. It's a good sign. You have to do what's necessary to protect your heart. I don't think it will be good for your soul to go out for blood and rip into her, especially after your hard work in therapy to let those feelings go.

You might start out showing your wariness, but opening the door a crack. And this is not so much for her as for the splinter under your fingernail, as you say.

"Dear Maggie: I got your letter. How are you? What is your life like now, really?" Then tell her what you're willing to share of life. Even be frank about how you have to keep your distance because of all that has happened, and that if a reconciliation happens, it will be through a long and arduous process -- one that you're not sure how much you can give to right now. Because you're successful and having fun, and happy in spite of her. You've worked hard half your life to overcome the first half of it and now you're free and having more or less smooth sailing. You wish the same for her, if she's serious about changing her life. "Thank you for writing. Be well." then sign your name.

It doesn't promise you will keep up a correspondence or that you will do anything for her benefit at this time, but perhaps finding out that she's doing better will help your emotional journey.

I actually don't recommend getting too heavily involved. Maybe if she stays sober and works in the lawful marketplace for five years or something. But even that's no guarantee.

Be well. Take care of you. I think finding out how she's doing will be cathartic for you, and maybe you leave it at that.

I think you will regret it if you don't take the opportunity now to at least have a little contact. You don't have to have her as part of your life, but contact a couple of times a year will be beneficial in the long run. Chances are, with her rough life, she won't live a long life. Keep the contact rare, but at least you won't regret later on if you changed your mind and then found out she had already passed away. Hey, I get you, but growing up in foster care is usually not as bad as growing up in the streets, which sounds like what your life may have been like.

How about just keeping the extent of your relationship to writing letters. Nothing more. That way you can get your answers to how she is while keeping your distance and keeping your options open should you forgive her and decide to have her in your life. You may never want her in your life which is understandable but you should at least be open to the idea of forgiving her or your will just be filled with the bitter resentment for your whole life which is stupid since life is too short for that.

Do you think that a mother who doesn't care manages to track down someone's address and writes an 8-page letter?

She cares. Always has (a mother never forgets her baby), and so do you ""But a very very small sliver... actually wants to know how she is and what became of her. And now I'm just stuck. It's like getting a tiny wooden splinter underneath my fingernail; It will nag at me everyday and I know i won't feel any relief until it gets removed. ""

If I was you, I would meet her. You'll never know if it was the right choice until you do.

I think you realise that your mother loves you. And if you love somebody, you have a duty towards them. She did not fulfil this duty and you have every right to be reproachful. Her life was hard, she was too weak to resist or to stand up, but is this a reason to reject her?

If I were you, I would meet her and decide if you want to keep up the contact.

She bore you, she loves you. Good luck!

Find the compromise. If you dont want her to be part of your life, and I can fully understand that, but you still want your questions answered.....ASK THEM. That simple. You have the right to do that. Send her a letter back, give her a general outline of where youre at, include your questions in your letter and ask to answer them. Be clear, concise but compassionate in your response. It sounds very much like shes going through some sort of 12 step program....and thats great, but really youre better off not investing too much of yourself into it at this stage anyway. Best of luck honey. If you need some support there are some excellent adoptee focused groups of facebook.

Hi Wildgrl,..The crux of your issue, revolves around your statement, where you say , in effect, that she "Never was your mother, & never would be." I might suggest to you, that this statement is not, exactly true, in that, in spite of her, many, problems, she was definitely, your "Mother" during the period,when she carried you in her body for nine mouths, when she could have, had you shredded & dumped into a bucket, at some abortion mill. And, now, it is, because she chose to give you life, in spite of her many problems, that you are even here. So, my thoughts are that, you should, keep this in mind, & perhaps, climb down off of your judgemental "high horse", & meet with her, & let the healing process, which needs to happen, begin, If you let this opportunity pass you will regret it until the day you die,... You're welcome Tecopa Jack

Hi, Write her back, don't be anything but honest. Say everything you said here and see what happens. Your not committing to a lifetime relationship, just opening a door.

This is the same advice I would give my children.

She is only human and we all make mistakes, I had this same type of hate for my dad and step mom whom he left my mother for and I realized once I grew up that it was energy wasted hating them and I regret it now. She is only human and she did her job by getting you here. I can't tell you what to do or what you should do. She already knows how much she's messed up though so I don't know if reminding her of that would help anything.