Can I Get Some Help Please?

Question

*Sorry about all the dialogue. I don't always write that much, it's just this scene happened to have a lot of it. I need help making it more believable and the like. They're in a hallway at school in front of the MC's locker, after school's been out for the day for about 10 minutes. Thanks in advance for your time and help!*  *And, sorry about the repeat question, it's just that I didn't get very good answers the first time...Just that they liked it.  I also need help, I like I said.  Well, thanks again!*
 
"Jade!" I said, and she turned to face me.
 
I got lost in her beautiful hazel eyes. I licked my lips, wishing I hold her and kiss her. Even just once. She was so perfect in every single way. He slim build, her tanned skin, her blonde ringlets, the way her nose crickled and she threw her head back when she laughed...
 
"What did you want?" She said impatiently, interupting my thoughts.
 
"What?" I asked, hoping she hadn't caught me.
 
"You called?" She looked at me like I was from a different species.
 
"Oh, right. Are we still on for tonight?" I smiled my most seductive smile, my dimples fully exposed.
 
"Yeah, the test's still tomorrow, isn't it?" She said with a hair flip.
 
"I-Yeah." I blinked.
 
"See you later then, Kyle."
 
This time, I let her walk away, I watched her go, barely resisting the urge to turn my head to the side, or worse, call her back.
 
"Dude!" Shane slapped the side of my head.
 
I turned towards him, rubbing where he hit me. 

"Sorry." I was anything but.
 
"She's my little sisters' best friend, don't be so obvious."
 
"I'm anything but!" I insisted.
 
"Dude, you're drooling."
 
"****!" 

I wipped my mouth with the back of my hand, and sure enough, he was right. I hated it when that happened.
 
"Kyle, you're life is over," Shane said with a smirk. 

He awkwardly patted my shoulder. We weren't exactly friends, but we were close enough to it. We hung out and we were both on the football team. But we never really hung out unless it was school or team related.
 
I shrugged. "It has been," I said, forcing myself to look like I was just joking.
 
It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I had ever done.

Whisper in the Wind · Accepted Answer

CAPS = changed word, X = word taken out
"wishing I hold her and kiss her." My suggestion: wishing I COULD hold X and kiss her.

"He slim build, her tanned skin, her blonde ringlets, the way her nose crickled and she threw her head back when she laughed..." Mine: "HeR slim build, X tanned skin, X blonde ringlets, the way her nose CRINKLED and HOW she threw her head back when she laughed..."

"We hung out and we were both on the football team. But we never really hung out unless it was school or team related."  Mine: We hung out and we were both on the football team, but we never really hung out unless it was school or team related. (I made it a longer sentence if you can't see).

Other then these few things I think it is really good. Good Luck and hope I helped! :)

Sally · Answer

I'd say add better details of the surroundings. Maybe describe Shane a bit more. Describe Jade in a more emotional way. It also sounds like Kyle is supposed to be in love with her but it just seems like his hormones are getting the better of him. I'd say you could also improve dialogue a bit. Grammar is ok, you're missing a few letters of some words at the top. Overall, it's alright but it could use some work.

Nivi · Answer

I got lost in her beautiful hazel eyes. I licked my lips, wishing I hold her and kiss her. Even just once. 

Lets break this down, beautiful hazel eyes doesn't really make an impact - Hazel eyes are usually brilliant in many colors like a burst of gold and greens... be original. 

wishing I hold and kiss her - most agents and publishers will over look one or two typos every 25 pages or so, but having so many typos on one page will have them toss it aside.

There is a terrific book called Word Painting,  it will open up new worlds to your writing.

Ellie · Answer

Its really good as it is, but if you want to improve it you could add a bit of stuff in between dialogue that helped explain a bit of why people said what they said at that time and stuff like that. However I think it is pretty good as is.

diet coke · Answer

it's really good, if you want advice then i'd say maybe describe the two boys more and the surroundings, use more adjectives. it was really good btw

Graham Giddy · Answer

No wonder I am a failure when I read brilliant work like that.

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Can I Get Some Help Please?

6 Answers