Writing- Opinions needed?

Question

I'm writing a thesis for a class I'm taking and I just want someone's opinion on how this sounds (and I mean the way it's written, not necessarily the point being made):

"Throughout history, women have frequently been treated as second-class citizens. Though some might argue that women have achieved parity with men, an example that this discrimination continues in the present day is the over-sexualization of women’s bodies in the media."

Thanks :)

palabracadabra · Accepted Answer

I like it, but consider re-arranging the second half of the second sentence... it's a little clunky. What about, "the over-sexualization of women's bodies in the media shows that discrimination continues today."

Johnny · Answer

Sounds fine. Perfect thesis, states something, which is all a thesis is supposed to do. However, how it goes from, "Though some might argue that women have achieved parity with men" straight to "an example that this discrimination continues in the present day is the over-sexualization of women’s bodies in the media" is a little rushed. You never actually state that you disagree. Try saying, "Though some might argue that women have achieved parity with men, I would have to disagree. An example of this ongoing discrimination is the over-sexualization of women's bodies in the media." In my opinion, that sounds less rushed and more fluent.

Anonymous · Answer

Muy perfecto Señorita

Anonymous · Answer

Warped Tour=waste of time AND money!

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Writing- Opinions needed?

4 Answers