Have you ever known a family member who kept a terminal illness to themselves & how did you cope afterwards?

Yes. My dad's sister's family seems to do this a lot. They keep medically important things from each other. When my aunt became unable to take care of her own finances (her husband had already died years before) her son took over and that's when he found out his mom had had a pacemaker put in and had several hip replacement surgeries done (unsuccessfully). But it was the same family when their eldest son got sick from exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam (he's been a medic), the family told no one because they thought he had AIDS. And all the family would do is take meals over to his place, unlock his door and shove the food in, then quickly shut the door. My sweet cousin died alone and only a few of his friends would come over and help clean him up and keep his apartment clean. It was so demented because by that point, we knew you couldn't get AIDS through being in the same room or hugging someone with AIDS or anything that would have made a world of difference to him as he lay dying. And had I known about it, I'd have flown cross country to stay with him and make his end of life as tolerable as possible. His family kept his death a secret for a few years until his absence from family gatherings began to raise questions. Made me so mad. I think my uncle lost the will to live after that, I think he felt so guilty about how he treated his son that he didn't put up any fight when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's only been 2 months, it takes up to a year to figure out how to cope with the grief - I'm with you on this one because I lost my father to cancer 10 years ago this year. If it's any consolation, your mother is free of all pain now. Your mother would not wish you to feel pain for her, when she no longer feels it, I imagine. Wait a little longer, you'll get a message, be patient. I had one about 3 months after my Dad died, and it was okay, it made me feel a lot better. Why don't you try talking to your Dad? Simply tell him that you miss your mother terribly, and you're wondering how he's feeling. Sometimes it is very hard to open up about these things, but you need to be gentle with him. Rather than expecting to break down the dam or open the floodgates, allow for a trickle - maybe. It's only been 2 months, remember. I imagine all of you are still numb and in shock. You might also want to talk to your wife about it. She's probably aware that you are still grieving, and because you are so stoic about it, she doesn't really know how to help you. Just tell her you miss your mother terribly. Grieving is not a weakness. It's a sign of humanity.

No...although I have an incurable disease that well, quite frankly is hard to explain to people as I always get "the Look" of confusion, shock, gaping mouth, etc.etc....I'm sorry to hear about your family member...It's amazing they could keep it a secret for so long..you'd think they'd explode. I surely wouldn't be able to do it. When I had Breast Cancer, everyone in their mother-in-law knew it...people I didn't even know showered me with all things "Pink"....and I had the best Birthday Ever...(I had surgery the day before my Birthday) Every nurse I met in the hospital said "Oh! Tomorrow is your Birthday, You'll be Cancer Free!" at the time I didn't think of it that way, I was like (OH! Boy! Happy Birthday to me, here's your Cancer.) But they were right, and it was the best birthday ever. Being showered with Emotional, Love, and Spiritual Support was the best feeling in the world going through my Journey.

But I guess some people choose not to. My sympathies to you and your family.

I am thinking that the person did not want anyone to try to talk them into treatment. They may have had other people for support that you are not aware of, such as a significant other. Also if the family had not been supportive in the past it wouldn't seem right to contact them to say you were dying.

Both ego and pride are involved. Many people cannot stand for anyone to feel sorry for them, or pity them. You have no idea how many rude and outrageous statements are made in the guise of friendship. I had a very close girlfriend die from bone cancer recently, sometimes she was completely outraged by what they said and never wanted to see their face again.

I think keeping it a secret was a very unselfish act. I like the idea a lot. I also do not think doctors cure leukemia, they are only able to drag the dieing process on for a long time and suck up a lot of money.

My mom left my dad, taking my older brother, me, and my younger brother to go live with her mother. Before she left, she had her mom set up doctor appointments for all of us. We were fine. She had an incurable cancer. Her fight against it bought her 3-6 more months. She lived nine months. She spent that time fighting the disease (knowing it was incurable) and trying to divorce Dad.

I never asked her, but I asked my uncle (her brother) later. He said, if she knew she had cancer before she moved out of Dad's house, she never told her mother or brothers either.

That was 41 years ago. I still wonder about it. That she was that sick and still fought to get a divorce tells me she had something against Dad. (I understand what.) Dad fought his next divorce for nine years.

All in all, I'll never know if she left because she had cancer or did she leave and then find out she had cancer? It really doesn't matter. She chose to fight it. I'd choose not to fight it, because I saw what it did to her. At the end, I could, literally, see it. It is a personal decision. It's not merely one decision, it's many.

Absolutely nothing would have changed if your relative told, other then she'd spend the rest of her life having family try and talk her out of it. Obviously, she didn't want that.

Of course it's a domino effect, but it was never about family. It was about her and she gave the fight she had to give. I rather admire your relative for that. I admire my mother for her decision too.

I have heard of other peoples parents or grandparents keeping diagnoses of cancer or diabetes from their offspring unless/until it got serious or terminal.

I am more familiar with the scenario of having a very visible all encompassing progressive condition and family members and some time friends keeping to themselves.

No I haven't, however I have had loss where it happens so quickly non of the emotional stuff gets sorted.

I think you cope by living your life and acceptance that it was this persons choice to do this. And when you cry in your loss think of it as something special because at the time you're crying it's because you value them. Crying is very important.

Yes, my sister.found out she had stage four colon cancer barely a month before passing away and told No one, Not even her four grown children. It's been 8 years & her kids are still fighting against each other over her assets. To this day it's a puzzle why she kept it to herself.

My sister and I had a friend that did something like this.

She was close to my sister but never let on how ill she was until just weeks before she passed away.

She had been a beautiful fashion model of only 32 years old.

She had cancer for a couple of years but brushed off her doctor visits to her friends as just having "female" problems.

My mother had breast cancer, lived for 12 years after her mastectomy and seemed recovered.

She found out her cancer had come back but didn't tell any of us children.

Out of the blue she claimed her freedom from all earthy affairs, sold her home, gave her things away and claimed she was off with her 3rd husband to build a home 500 miles away from us.

Actually her cancer was out of control and she knew it, didn't want us to see her suffer and lied on the phone everytime I called her up. She said everything was fine, her doctors said she was ok.

After she went into a coma and we flew to see her, her doctor told us she had cut him loose months before and had just given up on treatments. She wanted to die her own way.

I had a good friend who had been ill with polio as a child. She married had a family then found she had breast cancer. She was a very upbeat person and played down how ill she actually was.

I moved away but we talked all the time over the phone.

I called her to mention that my sister had died,my friend gave me emotional comfort but never mentioned her own health struggles.

I called you up a couple months after we had last spoke and her husband told me my friend had passed away from her cancer. She was giving me comfort all the while knowing she wasn't long for the world herself.

She and many other people are brave and would rather people think of them in happy times and not stress out and feel sad because after all, there is really nothing we can do for them if they want to be private in their own dealings with their own deaths.

Your relation made her own decision on how she wanted to die so don't feel too badly about it. For them it may of been worst to see others in pain and worry.