I'm not okay... I don't even know where to start....?

I don't even know where to start. I'm just sad, alone, depressed... Insecure, friendless, and back to feeling like the world is hopeless. My mom is the trigger, I recognize that now, but even as she pulls her usual melodrama, I still find it hard to pull back, yet again, and disappear from her life; I was starting to get used to the idea of having a sane mother around. But she's not sane, and she can't fit into my world anymore than when I was 12.

What do you do when you can see others around you who have full and happy lives because it is full of happy people, friends and family, but you can't ever have that yourself? Me, I've buried myself into my jobs, my business, my school, my books, my boyfriend, the few friends that I somehow haven't alienated.... Every time I feel good about what I have, there's something that's just waiting to bring me down. Normally, I embrace every challenge with a large hug and a knife waiting to stick in its back and to conquer it, but there are the occasional times (like tonight) where I'm crying and I just want to curl up under the covers and put the knife in myself instead (figuratively; I've figured out I'm too much of a coward to check myself out; also, there's a lot to life I still want to know). The second, more rational instinct that's creeping in is to curl up under the covers and have my boyfriend cuddle me in the special way that he does and tell me everything's going to be okay, and even though he can't possibly know that, everything turns out alright.

I'd like to vent my feelings on facebook, so that people I know could actually understand for once what I'm going through, but as my dad explicitly explained the last time, it affects him and my sister too much. Typical, no concern for the actual feelings I have, just the concern for how it would look on him, to tell the world how my mother is an insane immature psychopath who should've been locked away years ago.

It might also help you to know that no, I am not a suicidal teenager, and no, I do not live at home, and yes, I am an adult who's for the most part adjusted to life, abnormal childhood aside. This is more of a vent, to strangers who will prove my point that there are very few people who actually give a damn.

Have a good night; may it be full of dreams, and sweeter things, and may it let you avoid reading the post.