helping an alcoholic?

Question

I have 3 alcoholics in my life right now. Two of them have been able to admit they need help and are currently very excited to get the help they need. They're going to AA and are looking into other rehab options.

The third one, however, is still struggling to admit that he needs help, which burns me up inside because he's the one that means the most to me and the one that effects my life the most. And I want to punch him in the face. But I won't. I have that restraint. But I'm constantly fighting myself to be patient with him. I finally got him to go to AA with me (I sincerely enjoy the open meetings) and he's trying to quit drinking, but he thinks he can manage it on a casual basis. I know that's not true. I've spoken with a counselor about what he needs to do. But I have no tact, no understanding, and very little patience left for him. What frustrates me the most is how much he doesn't seem to care that he's draining my whole family. That's what makes me want to punch him. We're all trying our damnedest and he uses our resources and then shrugs us off.

Okay, I think I'm done venting.

Someone with experience on either side of this, tell me something comforting or practical or both about how to deal with the selfish nature of alcoholics. I'm coming to grips with the fact that I can't change him, but I do have to live with him. How do I manage that?

Beth · Accepted Answer

You should see whether there is an Al-Anon group in your area.  These are the people who are going through the same thing that you are.  Overall, he will have to decide for himself to seek help. His brain won't be functioning like yours, and it may not be possible for him to see what you see.

It would be best if the person in denial could be kept out of the house. I don't know if this is possible for your situation.  You should find a way to separate yourself from his drama in any way that you can. For example, you will never again lie for him, cover up for him, make explanations for him.

My son is a recovering drug addict, and it seems that it's going to be a lifetime problem. He has done several rehabs. He seems to improve, but then he relapses. He seems like he's going to be honest in his life, but then we discover another lie. We don't cut him out of our life, but he has to live elsewhere. We encourage him, and sometimes provide financial assistance. We no longer have expectations that he will do what makes sense or what is good for him.

mildred f · Answer

Any alcoholic will inevitably damage all their relationships.  So you will have to decide if you want that or if you want some semblance of normalcy.  Most alcoholics wind up divorced.

Consider that any alcoholic has a circular behavior pattern, rather than a linear one.  Explosive behavior, followed by lots of promises, then a quiet period, then a building stress period, then another explosive episode.  So decide when you want this to stop.

The well-to-do ones will die around age 50 and the ones who are poor live to about age 55.

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helping an alcoholic?

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