My younger daughter slept with my older daughter's husband. Do I tell her?

Your daughter's behavior may or may not be caused by the loss of a father figure at the tender age of 10, most likely it is. However, she is now considered an adult and old enough to make good (or bad) choices. Sleeping with her brother-in-law was a bad decision obviously, and likely the guy has cheated before and since with other women. However, that is not your problem. Your problem is that you know about it and are caught in a difficult position.

You need to ask yourself what your motives would be for telling the other daughter, and what would the likely consequences be. If your motives are that you want your older daughter to end her marriage and then have to go through the whole broken family scenario because her husband is a cheating scum then go for it ... the potential of course is that you will end up losing a relationship with one or both of your daughters. Your oldest daughter is going to end up experiencing a lot of emotional pain and will likely have moments of wishing that you had just never told her anything. In an ideal world she will appreciate that you enlightened her ... in reality she will probably resent you for destroying her life ... truth of the matter is she probably already has her own suspicions.

And then there's the damage to the relationship between the siblings, it will obviously be a huge if not insurmountable hurdle for them to deal with. Do you want that relationship destroyed? Is there anything positive that will come out of that truth being exposed? Nope!

In the movies it's always best to tell truths like this when you know them, but this is the real world. All that the truth is going to produce is pain and misery for both of your daughters. This is one of those times where you take on a burden that you shouldn't have to carry. You do what is in the best interests of your family as a whole. Definitely sit the younger daughter and the son in law down and have a conversation with them about their conduct, but I do not recommend that you say a single word to your older daughter about any of it unless there is a very very good reason to. Nothing good will come from the truth being known.

It was not a one off mistake it happened twice... your youngest daughter is a young adult, so even though she is distraught in her loss, she should know right from wrong and the meaning of family loyalty. However, we all make at least a couple of major boo boo's as young adults and the shame that is put on us for these mistakes, are what makes us better people later on. (in most cases).

If I was your oldest daughter, I would feel deeply betrayed by your youngest daughter, and she will never forget what she has done, but maybe in time she will learn to forgive her, only because and as i mentioned earlier, we all make really really stupid decision when we are young. Also I would feel hurt if you didn't inform me about what had been going on.... it would hurt immensely but at least i'd know that there was still someone being truthful with me.

Your SIL is nothing more than an opportunistic, cheating scum bag and I bet hes not sorry, in fact i bet he's only sorry that he got caught. Look at it from a different point of view... how would it make you feel if he used the good old line 'it was just a fling, she meant absolutely nothing to me' or ' i don't see her as anything serious' or even 'shes nothing compared to my beautiful wife' These would all be lines he would use if you were not your youngest daughters mother. He's cheated on your daughter not you, therefore as a grown up he has to convince her that hes not going to do it again, not you. He should feel ashamed for behaving so badly and with family members too!!!

You have a complicated situation to deal with.

Anyway, you shouldn't tell your oldest daughter that her sister slept with her husband.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but it was wrong of you to read your younger daughter's diary, but telling what you read to your older daughter will just cause damage.

That will just spark very harsh arguments among many people. Your daughters will part way, and the marriage of your oldest daughter could be ruined.

Anyway, I think you stop giving your younger daughter everything she wants, and oblige her to take decisions, such as to find a job or go to college.

From what you tell, I think that it would safer if your younger daughter kept living with you or close to you, as it will easier for you to keep an eye on her.

Since what happened can't be undone and eventually your oldest daughter is sure to find out what took place, you should sit down with those involved and get this out in the open. After that, those involved need to have some counseling to find out what happened to your youngest daughter when her father passed away.

( When the problems with your youngest daughter began, that's when a counselor should have been contacted. This whole mess may have been prevented! ). Of course the family may eventually be broken apart, but that won't stop the hurt your youngest daughter was feeling to cause her behavior to change so dramatically. Hope everyone involved, especially the two sisters, will agree to the counseling. It may or may not save your oldest daughter's marriage, but is something that should be done so the family can begin to heal from this tragedy.

Clearly if your son-in law is already sleeping around, there's something he's not getting from your daughter. This is an issue with their marriage more so than your youngest daughter. Your daughter will find out somehow soon enough, becuase the wife always knows eventually. Why sacrifice your relationships with two of your kids by becoming involved when it's not your problem?

I'm sorry for your husband's death, but your daughter is not acting out sexually because he died, she's 18 and 18 year old's are interested in sex. Now, since you've already confronted your son-in-law he'll likely confess to his wife and you've just ended their marriage. Which you shouldn't feel guilty over because it was likely on that path anyway.

Personally, I, myself, would not tell the oldest daughter....I would make the daughter who betrayed her tell her what she and the lying scumbag SIL did. AND, I would have both of them, all 3 actually, sitting there when you say, " your sister and your husband have something to tell you." If they refuse to say anything, THEN it is your turn to step up and say what you had found out. Talk to your younger daughter first and tell her WHY you read the diary. I KNOW FOR A FACT my oldest daughter would never speak to me again if I didn't say something. Your daughter was betrayed in the worst way possible way....with the exception of you sleeping with him and we know that didn't happen.....SO, she did a very hurtful thing and she needs to handle it! Once is a mistake.....TWICE? IS NOT! She needs to come clean. She is old enough to understand right and wrong and definitely old enough to be an adult, admit what she did and face the repercussions! Don't sit around "trying" to decide what to do. The longer you wait the more she will hold against you because she will then see your lack of action as a betrayal! Good luck but now it is your turn to face what needs to be done! It sucks? Yes, it sure does, but I wouldn't put it off any longer. Don't give the other two the chance of "making up a story" of why it happened. In other words, to try not getting themselves in too much trouble! I feel for you, I truly do.

It's terrible for you to be put in this position, but the way I see it, now that you know, it's your duty to let the oldest daughter know. I think you should tell the husband that he has a day or two to tell her himself, and if he doesn't, then tell the daughter yourself.

The youngest daughter and him are equally to blame, regardless of who made the first move; they both willingly did it and it was more than once.

Of course this will complicate relations between your daughters and the marriage, but in my opinion, "if it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be". This needs nipped in the bud now. If they decide to work through this situation, great; if not, that's sad to hear, but it's your oldest daughter's decision, not yours.

Imagine 2 things:

(1) You let this slip, give warnings, etc, and years down the road it comes to light that the husband's been sleeping with the other daughter or a different woman for a long time. And the older daughter finds out that you knew this initial time and never told her...

(2) Imagine that you're the one who's been cheated-on, and a family member or close friend knew and never told you. Regardless of whether or not the infidelity continued, wouldn't you feel betrayed by them? Let down by them?

Its possible your SIL has slept with other women other than your younger daughter. Hand SIL and ultimatum and deadline to be an adult and tell his wife. Your youngest is only 18. I consider myself a smart person but I have made many mistakes in my life out of immaturity in the past that I wouldn't dream of doing now. This is life. We live and learn very hard lessons at times. Hopefully in time your older daughter will forgive her younger sibling. Look at what is on TV--it's highly sexualized and everything is a go! We should not overlook here what society is doing to kids and women via the media. For your daughter it may have been about supposed "love" and self-affirmation. For your SIL it was pure selfishness and lust. I wish you and your girls the best of luck. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

My father passed away eight years ago as well and I would NEVER do anything like that to any of my siblings. I'm the youngest and let me say, that my dad's death has affected me a lot differently than any of my other siblings but that didn't give me an excuse to act up. I'm sure you're a very caring mother and that's why this decision is so hard for you because you don't want to hurt either of your daughters. But, know that by not telling your daughter that her husband is cheating on her is a way that you're still hurting her. I can guarantee you that one day this secret will break lose and your daughter will be so disappointed to know that you knew her husband was cheating on her. Also by not tattling on your youngest daughter you're sort of "protecting" her and she may use that to her advantage in the future. I would straighten her out while you have the chance. She should know better than to even make a pass at one of her siblings partners. Your son-in-law should also know better too. Put yourself in your daughter who is being cheated on shoes. Wouldn't you want your mom to tell you?

I had a sister who went on a dating spree (at one point she even went after my ex-boyfriend) and we later found it that she did this because she was so afraid of being alone and needed attention constantly. Once all of the secrets were out in the open air, it took time, but we managed to repair all of our relationships. It takes time, but time heals all wounds.

In my opinion, if you don't tell your daughter you're risking your relationship with her and she may take that as you love the youngest daughter the most.

That is a very challenging situation.

It's obvious that you care about and love your children. And as a single mom you do the best you can.

In this situation I think it's best that your son-in-law takes responsibility and tells his wife himself.

I suggest you talk to him asap one-on-one and ask him to tell his wife. Give him a time limit (1 week?) Check back with him on the day you decided and if he then hasn't told her I think you should.

If it is you that have to tell her, don't be surprised if she gets angry at you. Try not to take it personal. Remain calm and remember that you're being a friend.

“A friend is loving at all times, and becomes a brother in times of trouble.” Prov 17:17.

Right after you have asked your son-in-law if he has told your older daughter/you telling her, it would be wise to talk to your younger daughter one-on-one and let her know you know and that her sister now knows and that she should talk to her sister.

As for how things go and how they work it out, I would stay clear away from it. Not taking sides.

All the best E