Is this PTSD ?

My mom died of cancer when I was 11. It was pretty bad and sudden . I watched her slowly die . I was told she had two weeks to live I couldn't even hug her because she hurt too bad ...

It hasn't really bothered last couple of years . I just do this thing where I pretend it never happened and she never existed or that I pretend I hated her and it would be better if she was dead anyways ..

Last week I visited her grave for the first time since I was like 13 ( I'm 17 now )

I didn't think it would effect me that bad .. But it did . It just brought back memories and now I don't know what to do because I keep on getting flashbacks and having the " what if " or like it was my fault for not knowing she was sick .. ( because she had skin cancer and if she diagnosed early stages she would have been fine .. ) like is this normal ? I keep on having the flashback of when she was really sick , when she couldn't eat. She had tubes all in her and her face was all sunken in and blood would always run down her lips because she couldn't drink anything . I dream about her now too . I wake up and realize she's still dead and it breaks me all over again ... I just want these memories to stop flashing across my mind .. They never did before goin to her grave :( I think it triggered something idk . Sometimes I want to kill my self so I can be with her . What's wrong with me you think ? Is it PTSD ? Idk :/