Advice about an elderly loved one losing her memory?

Question

I just need to rant about this and need a bit of advice.. My grandma is in her late 70s and recently has been losing her memory. For a while it was just short term but now she s just completely confused all the time and it s more long term memory. She still remembers who we all are, but yesterday we were with her for the whole day with the rest of my family and she kept asking where her mother was. Her mother died over 30 years ago. We tried over and over to gently tell her that her mother isn t with us anymore and she did not believe us. She would get angry and tell us not to say something like that because it s not funny. It gets so frustrating because lately she ll talk about things and no one will know what she s talking about, she gets so confused and it s hard to make her understand certain things such as the fact that her mom is gone. And while driving (she s not allowed to drive anymore for obvious reasons) she kept telling my father who was driving to pull over because she thought he was too tired (he was not tired at all) and she just doesn t understand that she can t drive anymore. Are there certain ways to say things to someone like her to help her understand better?? I hate seeing her get stressed about things like this so I try to tell her in a nice way, but it s as if she has no idea what year it is or who she is and I don t know what to do anymore to make her understand. I know her conditions won t get much better, but just need advice.

Pearl L · Answer

sounds like she might have some kind of dementia or altzheimers, i would just help her out as much as you can, thats all you can do

redd headd · Answer

You just have to be as even tempered as you can, as she will believe what she believes and you work around it. As someone who lived through it myself, it can be exasperating explaining that your mom doesn't have to pick her child up from 1st grade as you are 37 years old now. Just remember you are taking care of someone that once did that for you.

MsBittner · Answer

Dementia is a cruel, cruel disease, and I've had plenty of first-hand experience with it.

First things first, consider whether correcting her belief in what's real and what her situation is, is worth it. How does telling her that her mother is dead, when she believes Mom is alive, helpful? It isn't, really. All it can do is make her react with sorrow and grief at the loss, confusion about her mind, or hostility and anger that you're lying to her.

When my mother in law had similar delusions--her dad would have been about 130 years old if he were really coming to pick her up soon--we let her run with it. "Your dad's not here just now, but I am. I'll keep you company, is that okay? Do you want me to read to you?" (Or we'd offer something else she still enjoyed.)

FWIW, the closer a person is to the one with dementia, the more painful it is for them. Your dad's probably suffering more than you are, so you can help by picking up the slack, mastering ways to interact with her without adding to her stress, confusion, etc.

"Grandma, Dad's doing just fine at the wheel. Can you tell me about a car trip you took with your own dad?"

Getting her to talk about her youth and young adult years is good. It lets you get to know her while she's still around, and those memories have far more neural pathways than more recent events. Safe topics:

Learning to drive
Her school days--favorite teachers, classes, what lunch was like, etc.
The house she grew up in
What Christmas/July 4th/Easter/etc. was like in her youth
Your dad and his siblings as kids
How she met your grandfather
Her pets
How she dressed as a teenager
Movies, music from her youth

Sad to say, the day will come when she might not know for sure who you are. Please remember this is brain damage, not who she is. Continue to be kind and as patient as you can. Touch her hair, hold her hand, and keep communicating with her. She may not know who you are any more, but she will recognize kindness and caring until the day she dies.

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Advice about an elderly loved one losing her memory?

3 Answers