How can a fiercely loyal child learn to trust you despite being told not to?

Question

My step daughter is 5. She adores me- even more than her dad most of the time. Her mother on the other hand, hates me very much. As my step daughter gets older, her loyalty to her mother is obvious- (she wont eat what I cook saying its yuck even though she ate it many times before- saying it was the best, refuses to play with a doll I got her for her birthday saying she doesnt like it anymore when she begged me to get it for her). Something else is concerning me about her behaviour, however, and I suspect sexual abuse. Should I stay out of this and let her life unfold as she isn't my child? (which my husbands ex so often reminds him) And for the record? He wont do anything unless he has PROOF because he is scared of his ex and what she will do if he suggested something sinister in her care. Is there any way a fiercely loyal child will confide in a loved step parent? As I know she adores me even if she has to hide it sometimes for her mothers sake. She is in a really unhealthy environment as it is with her mother- and I couldnt bare to think she was being abused but we stood idly by despite suspicions because we were afraid of her mother. I want her to talk to me- not admit to abuse- but confide in me in general so that if there is abuse she will feel safe enough to tell me. Any advice?

Rosalie · Accepted Answer

Your husband is cowering fro his ex, and in the meantime he is allowing his daughter to be emotionally abused. DOn't look at this from the standpoint of being an eitquette problem. It isn't. It's the clear result of a child who has been told  that there will be consequences to her being the least bit happy about your existence. That's abuse.

Your husband needs to talk to her pediatrician about this, and ask for a child therapist to get involved. His lack of action means he is enabling the abuser, and quite frankly, neither one of them deserve to be near her. I'm sorry you're in the middle, but you need to be this child's champion, before she is damaged for life. What is happening will affect very relationship  she ever has. Tell your husband to man up and be a parent. This isn't about you.

Marie K · Answer

a call to child protective services might help if find out if there is any abuse

Hope! · Answer

It's hard for children - they feel caught between a rock and a hard place.. they feel they can't be disloyal to family.. this is instinct, self preservation..
But this does change with time.. 
My advice, keep looking for proof, keep telling her that she can talk to you about anything, ask leading questions, such as "are you happy at your mom's house?" etc.. NEVER stop talking about this.. if there is a 'secret' she has been told to keep, it will eventually come out, IF you continue to prod.. (don't badger though)..

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, tell your husband to grow some balls! Obviously, you care more about this little girl than he does.

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How can a fiercely loyal child learn to trust you despite being told not to?

4 Answers