My best friend (21F) and I (20F) planned a trip to Hawaii for a month, but she's adamant on her bf coming w/ us for a week. What to do?

Question

So my best friend and I planned a trip to Hawaii together back in November. We’d live there from late March to late April. However, she’s in a relationship now and she’s adamant on her bf (21M) coming along for a week on our trip. My concern is... the place we booked is small w/ one bedroom (no doors inside except for the bathroom). We’d sleep in the bed, he’d sleep in a cot. It’s also the only week her and I are both free. I had told her that, though I have some discomfort about the lack of space, he can stay for a few days, as long as he chips 1/3 for his stay. We both settled on that agreement.

Well, I guess he plans on staying for a week now. They have plans to get a hotel for those extra four days he’s staying. I’d be at the place alone. But she was very upset with me that I wouldn’t let him stay in our place for a week and for putting them in the situation where they’d have to pay the hotel fee. And she even said that he & his parents were baffled by my resistance. I’m now thinking that I overreacted to being resistant about him staying in our place for a week. Of course, I’m not entirely comfortable with it. B/c I barely know him & third-wheeling is awk. But I could’ve just sucked it because it is a month-long stay.

She’s being very cold and distant now, haven’t heard from her in two days which is really unlike her. I’m thinking of perhaps just not going on this trip or flying in late that first week. What should I do in this situation? Was I being a bad friend?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

No, I don't think you were being a bad friend. Practically no one likes third wheeling. Sure, it's only for 1 week, but she gets to have fun and enjoy her whole stay while you pretty much have to sit back for part of the trip. I don't think that sounds fair at all. If she ever gets bored with one friend, she could just crawl back to the other rather than being bored together. A true friend would try to understand this situation and make the effort to plan a separate trip with just the her and her boyfriend and make this trip about just having fun with her friend (if you mattered that much to her).

Though, in their 20's, most couple's judgment is quite poor because they're still in this "honeymoon" phase and like to do everything together, no matter what the situation around them may hold. That's why for me, I find it hard to actually have friends as a young adult. I'd wait until I'm in my 30's before having a friend who could actually be reasonable in this situation, and just spend your 20's focusing on yourself or obtaining a partner of your own if you'd like.

However, with you're situation right now, I would just try to make the best of it (if you can't get a refund). Try your best to get to know the boyfriend and make friends with him. You could even go as far as bringing them back to your guyses hotel rather than having them stay at a separate one. Just kill them with kindness and let them know you're going to be having just as much fun as they are! Who knows, the boyfriend may turn out to be cool peeps and the three of you could actually have fun! Or... if you make friends with him too much, your friend may not want to bring him back (lessoned learned~). But if the boyfriend turns out as a distant jerk and you start to see the friend blocking you out on a lot of stuff, after the trip, I'd take a step back from her for a while and take my earlier advice (focus on yourself). If you really want, try hanging out with more single people (but there's no guaranteed they'll always be single and may just end up in the same situation). Or, perhaps wait until you pick up a boyfriend yourself before hanging out with her again (that way, the two of you can double date and things). OR, make group trips rather than one-on-one next time, that way you friend could bring her boyfriend, but there will also be other friends (single friends!) around that wouldn't make it so awkward. But for now, just make the best of it!

T J · Answer

Dont go, cancel. let them go on their own.

seedy history · Answer

She wants what she wants. And can't see her way out of it. She wants an Hawaii holiday with her boyfriend. You have become an obstacle. If she can't be civil at this point, then try to work out returns of deposits and alterations to your plan tickets. Maybe the two of them can have the first week or the last week and you simply won't pay for the week you are not there. You are NOT obligated to turn your vacation into her love fest.

Who cares that his parents don't have a problem with him crashing with his gf and her friend in a small one bedroom unit for a week. WHY WOULD THAT MATTER AT ALL????? You know he's not going to be on the cot. The only one on the cot is going to be you. You'll be on the cot, they'll be wishing you were elsewhere and it's weird. There is quite a bit of make-believe attached to her fantasy holiday. And most of the make believe is that you can be used at will however she wants. Best friends? Really?

I

Anonymous · Answer

Drop out of the deal.  It's too screwed up.

Jerry · Answer

Your friend is trying to transform a Me and Olivia trip into a Me and Boyfriend trip that has to include Olivia. Drop out. Cancel and get the money back. Know for the future that your friend isn't someone you can make plans with, that she has no scruples about breaking commitments toward you if there's a pecker in the picture.

tim · Answer

You didnt do anything wrong, your friend and her family sound dumb. If she wants to sleep with her mans in the same room then let them get a separate room.

No one should force you to sleep with a random guy in the same hotel room period

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My best friend (21F) and I (20F) planned a trip to Hawaii for a month, but she's adamant on her bf coming w/ us for a week. What to do?

6 Answers