texasblueslady

What is up with the Spam Guard on Yahoo? I have tried changing it to delete immediately and even changed back to them going to the bulk mail and saving a week. It just started this today. I am getting tons of spam in my in-box. Anyone else having this problem today?

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like

a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and

asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

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> The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

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> The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

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> The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

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> The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

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> The first kid says, "A circumcision."

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> And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born.

> Couldn't walk for a year.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his >> dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, >> worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on >> her knees and blows it right back up."

This is one of my favorite jokes!!!!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a

drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He

slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers

helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the

pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed,

happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,

"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a

mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy,

but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies,

"What did he say about your 55-year old ***?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get can cer, no biggie You're al ready dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamb le all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . .. "

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays !"

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a

drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He

slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers

helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the

pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies

An East Texas country boy sees a sign in the restaurant reading,

" Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer"

"Lord almighty!" he says to himself, "My three favorite things".

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

I'm down to about 20% on my C drive. I have tons of space on my D drive. How can I switch things over without uninstalling and reinstalling them (i.e., maybe yahoo music, photosmart, DVD-CD maker). I think that would give me more space without having to install more memory. AND how would I do it? I'm pretty good on the computer but maybe not that good to switch things over. I did a disk clean and defragmented already.

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

An old farmer in Tonganoxie , Kansas , had owned a large farm for several

years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,

horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly

shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't

been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon

bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices

shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his

pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep

end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you

leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he

said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every

time.

Almost everytime I try to open my Internet Expl Browser window it opens a minimized window. When I click on the middle window in the upper right corner to maxmize it the window maximizes but the inneer window stays small in the left upper corner of the page. I can't see the full page and it's driving me crazy having the scroll up/down and back/forth. Why is it doing this. Aggrevating the hell out of me. I want to see the full page.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before his congregation to ask for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,

"Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the assembled crowd. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God, too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the Congregation said, "Amen."