Thinker!

My friend is transferred from one location to another location (within the same organization) and the releaving order is issued on saturday stating that the pay from next day onwards shall be paid by the new location. (Saturday is half day working. So, Offices at both the locations are closed after noon.)

Sunday is a holiday.

My friend has reported at the new place of posting on monday (Forenoon) and submitted the joining report.

Now, he is losing one day pay for the Sunday falling in between.

The earlier office is saying they have already released him and the new office is saying that he has not yet joined the new posting.

Can some one please advise what to be do?

Is there any way to produce ozone gas on large scale and fill up the holes in the ozone layer?

I mean we are producing many other gases on industrial scales, why can't it be ozone

strange or funny?

You are a cook in a highway Inn with no clocks or other way of keeping time except for two hourglass time keepers

One of the hour glass has sand for four minutes i.e. you have to turn it over every four minutes and the other hourglass has seven minute worth sand.

You have a stove, however, with water in a pot already boiling.

A customer asks you for a nine-minute boiled egg, and you know this person is a perfectionist and will be able to tell if you undercook or overcook the eggs by even a few seconds.

How will you prepare it so that it is cooked in exactly 9 minutes, neither undercooked or overcooked?

How would you turn COLD into WARM in four steps by replacing one letter at a time.

Every time you replace a letter it should result in a meaningful word.

For example in HEAT if you replace T by R it results in HEAR, then replace H by F it gives FEAR that's how it goes

"A lady was taking a shower when her 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for the camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture and laughing hysterically suggested that she take a closer look.

Puzzled, the lady stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

Moral of the Story: I don't think I need to tell. You know it better!

Be careful

One weekend a lawyer decided to go bird hunting. The lawyer found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the farms fence.

The lawyer climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over a farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird."

The lawyer says to him " your bird No Way, I shot this bird it is mine."

"No" says the farmer,"it landed on my property it is mine."

"Look" says the lawyer, "I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the bird."

"No" says the farmer, "that's not how we do it here, we use the three kick rule."

"Ok" says the lawyer, how does that work?"

"I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you can three times and we keep going until one of us gives up."

"Fine" says the lawyer, "let's go."

"I'll go first" says the famer.

So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the groin. And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the famer kicks him right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what he got himself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach.

After the lawyer gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it's my turn.

No the farmer says, "I quit you can have the bird."

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

The last period of the class was free as the teacher was absent. The students asked the principal whether they can go early. Principal said, “I will ask you some questions, those of who give the right answer along with reasoning can go early”

This was the first question:

There were ten birds sitting on a wall. A shot was fired from a rifle. How many birds will still be there? What is your answer and what is the reasoning behind the answer?

Four students raised their hands. The principal asked one by one

1. Vicky said ‘0’. Principal asked ‘How?’ After hearing his answer principal let him go.

2. Mina said ‘1’. Hearing her the principal let her go too.

3. Mike said 9

4. Jimmy said 10.

And the principal permitted them to go too.

How can all the answers be correct? Can anyone give the reasoning given by these students.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'

Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

It’s a remote town of cowboys, with a fierce battle going on between rival gangs. A man has to cross the town along with a sheep, a bag of grains and a wolf. Anybody crossing the town will be caught in fierce gunfire.

The only other means of crossing the town is an underground tunnel. It’s pitch dark inside the tunnel and it’s impossible to see or to cross the tunnel without light. The only source of light: Candles, sold in the town, Limited supply so candles very expensive. Each candle is 10 inches long. To prevent burning of hands by molten wax the candles have to be put out before the last inch. This way each candle can give light up to 45 minutes. Means of transport inside the tunnel, A 4-wheeled-trolley – but all wheels in dissembled condition.

Before getting the trolley rolling all the wheels have to be assembled on it. It takes 15 minutes to fit each wheel. The trolley takes one hour to travel from one end to other.

But there’s another problem. There is just enough space in the trolley to accommodate either the sheep, or the bag of grains or the wolf along with the man. If left unattended, the sheep will eat the grains and the wolf will kill the sheep.

The man has to reach the other end of the tunnel safely with the sheep, the bag of grains and the wolf. How will he do that with minimum expense i.e. using least number of candles?

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same.

Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to his mind.

He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.

He remembered his grandfather’s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed.

He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather’s idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said…..

Guess what???

…"You think only you have a grandfather !!!???"

Kichhi Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has

affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my

sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,

JITA

His wife replied...

Dear Jita ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,

KICHHI

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him. A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

"Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down."

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said:

"Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!"

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said:

"Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let’s go! One, two, three..."

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:

"Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

"Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yeh! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!"

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

"It’s a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!"

what do you get when two skeltons make love in a tin box

This is a hypothetical open letter issued to the employees by management during downsizing

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 55 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Two young men, George and Michel were quarrelling over the possession of a Medal, each maintaining that the medal belonged to his grandfather. (Grandfathers of both the persons not alive)

The Medal was awarded for display of exceptional bravery in war.

George had old black & white photographs of a young man in army uniform as a proof that that was his grandfather and he was in army

Michel produced an old and wrinkled paper, a certificate dated 1918 saying the the medal was awarded for exceptional bravery in World War I.

The question is : Who do you think will get the possession of the Medal? AND WHY?