ed

Change our money from the present,

"In God we trust"?

"In Obama we trust"?

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too .

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling thr ough the sand,

certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he

sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what

looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this

is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID

badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.

'You know how I work....

You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a

FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks

like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is

right.

'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,

and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good

one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...'I wish that no

matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

song lyrics for me?

I'm almost finished.

Need Spanish:

"You took my heart

To a place among stars

Where it's never been before"

I have this translation. Does it look correct?

"You set my heart on fire".

Te fijo mi corazon en el fuego.

Thanks for any help.

Award winning Rooster.

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible ...

be able to translate these few song lyrics from English to Spanish?

I'd be deeply thankful.

I didn't know

The night I said hello

That I'd fall in love with you

You set my heart on fire

You turned these smoldering embers

Of love that I once knew

Into a flaming pyre of love

That now burns only for you

I understand a little Spanish, and hope that I can compose the notes to fit the SP. syllables.

If you can help, and prefer, my email, ejione at sbcglobal.net

that politicians are using this forum to promote candidates in this election year?

And, if someone disagrees or shows a reason that a premise is false or misleading, the answer receives a violation or removed.

Just asking a yes or no.

I beleve it.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

' Honey ,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

for President?

His name is Rin, a German Shepherd.

He told me he would choose a female cat for VP.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Does anyone here remember "Service Stations"?

When an attendant pumped our gas? When he checked our oil? When he washed our windschield? When he checked our wipers and we could replace them right there? When he checked all our tires, including the spare, and filled them with air, and if they were bad, we could buy a new one right there? When he checked our belts and hoses, and showed us if they were bad? And we could have them replaced if needed? When he checked our water and filled our radiator? When he checked the water level in our battery? When they fixed flats?

And he collected without us getting out of the car, in any kind of weather? And brought our change back to the car?

And he spoke English?

And he never even expected a tip?

And gas was 19 cents a gallon??????????????

on my car in order to buy gas.

My car is paid off.

Will a bank give me an amount every month so I can buy gas?

I need a tech?

BEE STINGS

>

> It might be wise to carry a penny in your pocket while working in the yard.......... BEE STINGS !

>

> A couple of weeks ago, I (an acquaintance) was stung by both a bee and hornet while working in the garden.

>

> My arm swelled up, so I went to the doctor. The clinic gave me cream and an antihistamine. The next day the swelling was getting progressively worse, so I went t o my regular doctor. The arm was Infected and needed an antibiotic.The doctor told me - ' The next time you get stung, put a penny on the bite for 15 minutes'.

>

> That night, my niece was stung by two Bees. I looked at the bite and it had already started to swell. So, I taped a penny to her arm for 15 minutes. The next morning, there was no sign of a bite. We decided that she just wasn't allergic to the sting.

>

> &n bsp; Soon, I was gardening outside. I got stung again, twice by a hornet on my left hand. I thought, here I go again to The doctor for another antibiotic.

>

> I promptly got my money out and taped two pennies to my bites, then sat and sulked for 15 minutes. The penny took the string out of the bite immediately.

>

> In the meantime the hornets were attacking, and my friend was stung on the thumb. Again the penny. The next morning I could only see the spot where the hornet had stung me. No

redness, no swelling.

& gt; My friend's sting was the same; couldn't even tell where she had been stung.

>

> She got stung again a few days later upon her back---cutting the grass! And the penny worked once again.

>

> Wanted to share this marvelous information in case you experience the same problem. We need to keep a stock of

pennies on hand .

>

> The doctor said that the copper in the penn y counteracts the bite. It definitely works!

Read this if you haven't seen it.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2008-04-24...

Of course, one congressman think it's a ploy, "bizaar", eh?

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....

And off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City ....

...and went to find the Great Wizard.

What brings the four of you before the great

Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

'I've come for some courage.'

'No Problem!' said the Wizard, 'Who's next?'

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:

'Well, I think I need a heart.'

'Done! Says the Wizard.'

'Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?'

Up stepped Bush and said,

'The American people say that I need a brain.'

'No problem! Said the Wizard.

Consider it done.'

Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,

But he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

'Well, what do YOU want?'

'IS DOROTHY HERE'

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest road

when she sees The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

' My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.' The wolf jumps up

and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood

sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a

bush. 'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.' Again the wolf

jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little

Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is

crouched down behind a rock. 'My what big teeth you have Mr.

Wolf.' With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you

knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me

the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my

Side of the family and your father told you about his.'

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her

return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...................... (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea".