Krazykraut

After asking this next question, my total Yahoo! Answers points -214 will equal my birth year. I am celebrating my birthday today. How old am I?

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.'

That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter says with admiration.

'Thanks' the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster.

'The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then

I wouldn't have a siren.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny . "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Not technical service, but billing.......

1st correct answer gets ten.....

1st correct answer gets ten.....

1st correct answer gets ten.....

1st correct answer gets ten.....

1st correct answer gets ten.........

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

Should I tell her the war is over?"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an older retired Marine in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Marine replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy

session with four young mothers and their small

children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are

obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession

is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession

with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's

name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got

up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,

"Come on, D.ick, we're leaving."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel!: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"It doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

If you answered yes, why did you answer?

If you answered no, what is the answer?

If you answered yes, why did you answer?

If you answered no, what is the answer?

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, “I’m celebrating"

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

I used a different c.ock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

11. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

10. Form a loose grip.

9. Keep your head down.

8. Avoid a quick backswing.

7. Stay out of the water.

6. Don't let your balls go in the rough.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally in this unlikely, fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

THE SITUATION

You are in New Orleans, there is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. You're a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you.

THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Rev. Al Sharpton.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options- you can save the life of the "Reverend", or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

For instance,

If I'm tracking vacation and sick days for personnel and I make the font color or fill color of a cell "blue" for 8 hours sick time, can I input a formula in another cell that can reference and total all the cells with blue font or fill color? So, if I had a row that had three blue 8's in it, is there a formula that can recognize that and give me the sum of 24?