Terry G

Two cowboys are riding fence when they come upon a cow with her head jammed in the fence.

One cowpoke says to the other this is too good an opportunity to miss.

With that he gets off his horse, drops his jeans and gets his c0ck into the cow and gave it a shag.

He turns to his pal and says, Do you want a turn?

The other says, Yeah, that looks like fun.

He gets off his horse, drops his jeans and runs his head into the fence.

Brown & GeeDubya are drinking in the local pub at Chequers in front of a blazing log fire with the landlord's dog sleeping in the hearth.

A guy comes in from the other bar, walks to the dog, lifts its tail and grunts.

As he proceeds to walk out Brown says to guy "Can I help you?"

Guy says, "No mate, a bloke in the other bar said there was a dog in here with two ar$eholes."

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for

the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

He begins his remarks with,

"Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over

and whispers in the President's ear,

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings.

Your speech is underneath!"

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.

"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."

"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."

"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."

"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"

"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were crossing the prairie.

Tonto dismounts and presses his ear to the ground.

Tonto: "Hmmmm.....buffalo come."

Lone Ranger: "How do you know?"

Tonto: "Ground sticky!"

My husband was telling colleagues about his involvement with our local YMCA Indian Guides and Indian Princesses programs.

His Indian name was Walking Deer, he told them.

Our daughter was Little Fawn, and our son, Running Deer.

"What do you call your wife?" one co-worker asked.

"Yes Dear," my husband replied.

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I wil l kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?.....

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Little Indian boy says to father, "How did you name us children?"

Father replied, "When elder brother born I open flap of tipi and see deer running across prairie so call him Running Deer and when sister born it was night and as I opened tipi flap I see moonlight reflected on lake so called her Shining Water."

"Why you ask Two Dogs Phukin?"

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued,

'Him? One woman, one feather. Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three feathers.'

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!'

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.'

Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!'

The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.'

The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!'

The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!'

The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!'

'No deer', said the Chief. 'Bum too high, run too fast!'

Artifacts are a major portion of an American Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer. (souvenir)

A good friend of mine recently got back from a trip to Sedona, Arizona. Sedona is the place where New Age freakazoids are flocking because they believe the place has mystical and healing powers.

Anyway, my buddy said he was walking down the street when he came across an American Indian in full regalia with a long feather headress raising his right hand and saying "some" to all the women walking by.

My buddy went up to him and said, "Don't you mean 'how'"?

The Indian looked at him and said, "Me know how. Me want some."

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one

said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.

YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror,

after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability

to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God...if you take away my love handles,

I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed.

And just like that.........Her ears fell off!

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

"You have got to help me , Doc, I have a cricket ball up my ar$e!!"

Doc says " How's that?"

Guy says, "Don't you start."

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub called The Cockwell Inn.

To write to her you need to address her mail thus...............

Miss Linda Lykes

The Cockwell Inn,

Urbum,

Tillet,

Herts.

Has her Majesty stopped having birthdays or was it a faux pas on the medias part?

Which has cost me 12 points when I used it in an answer. The Yahoo Police have said that I have controvened their Code of Conduct.

Yes Spit as in Spittle used for sticking envelopes.