Moss

Due to the territory of the polar bear shrinking, would it be a good idea to send around a hundred of them to the South Pole?

Bears being omnivores should easily adapt to eating penguins, and seals are still found in this area too.

I think the only issue that it may have, is that the bears become Bipolar

Badaboom tish! wakka wakka! I'm here till Thursday!

I've read quite a few stories about people waking up to find a presence in their room. Perhaps something close by, but unable to be seen, perhaps even sat on the bed. To anyone who has not experienced it, the fear is cold and and can freeze you from moving.

This, is what my night life has been like for the last five years.

Last week, I woke at around 3am again, and instantly knew that I was not alone. I couldnt hear or see anything there to be scared of, just the darkness. After a few minutes of being unable to move, cold sweat of fear pouring off me, I felt something move onto the bed, as if someone sat on the end of it. Inside me, the adrenaline that had been building forced me to snap, and I screamed. Although I couldnt see anything I sat bolt upright in bed, my fist already swinging in defence, and I felt it connect with something hard and fleshy.

Whatever I hit yelled back and recoiled from the punch, I felt it leave the end of the bed.

My hand came down hard on the lamp switch, bathing the room in light, and blinking quickly I saw what I can only describe as a small grey humanoid. It was the classic grey; large black cold eyes, thin little body. It sat on the floor, its large head turning to look at me.

Apparently every Friday it liked to come down and use my dryer, and as a thank you, would wash my socks. It's now trying to sue me for use of excessive force, and I'm worried that a criminal record against me might scupper any job applications I submit.

Can someone advise?

Well its been fun, but my spaceship is almost ready to depart. As some of you are aware, I've been living on your planet for several thousand years. Due to fairly limited space, I'm taking Claudia Schiffer, Kylie Minogue, Zooey Deschanel and Halle Berry. Other may apply, but only with lingerie shots.

A few things before I leave,

Kennedy was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald,

The cream in an Oreo cookie really does contain whale semen

Lima is the capital of Peru

Stonehenge was built by bored early Britons and has no significance whatsover

The Loch Ness monster died in 1973

Elvis is dead.

There is no difference between the iPhone4S and the iPhone5

The Pyramids were built by humans.

Anyone have any other questions, whilst I wait for the spacecraft to refuel?

The end of the world fast approaching; Nibiru showing no signs of slowing down, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding hard, Michael Jackson climbing from his tomb, and Jesus is returning and he looks pi55ed!

So how many of you are preparing for the end?

Since the Rapture will only save a limited amount, can I interest you in my place on the Holy Spaceship?

I'm a devout Christian, and if it wasn’t for me doing really Holy things on a regular basis, I probably would have been Pope by now, or at least Arch Bishop.

I'm selling my place, with the donations possibly going to some fluffy creature charity to look after them as they’ll be left behind, making their last hours on Earth nice, before they get incinerated in a rain of fire/a 4 horse stampeed/Michael Jackson with a lawnmower.

Sadly though, that takes money, and since you'll be leaving this mortal realm, you won't be needing yours. I have been assured, by Jesus talking to me through a Holy Burrito, that this act of greed by me will ensure your place on the rapture.

Like I said, places are limited, and there’s so many of you, that I decided to make a draw out of it.

Simply donate a large sum of cash to my pay pal account, and one of those that submit will be drawn at random and can have my seat on "The Last Train Out of Here!"

Please submit a comment below, stating who you will be laughing at when you’re flying off in God’s 5 Star spaceship!

Im thinking of starting a sweep stake at work just for a bit of fun.

Obviously a Dead Pool is quite immoral

So with the latest string of sex assaults by celebrities and famous people in the UK, I was wondering who to include on the 'Whose Next?" list?

Today alone, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford! Tomorrow will be.....

In August we adopted a cat from the local animal sanctuary. He is a handsome tabby cat with a story like most animals that frequent these places. His name is Banjo, and he was rescued after his elderly owner was found dead in her flat. He is adorable and we find him wonderful with the family.

Things started to go downhill not long after he arrived at our house. I think the earliest incident that I am aware of is when he scratched my son. I assumed it was because my son had been tormenting the cat, the way some kids do, and the cat naturally attacked him.

My son claimed he was innocent, but I didn't believe him.

Then he attacked my other son. He received a nasty vicious looking scratch across the back of his hand. When I asked him what he had done to provoke the cat, he said he had refused to lend the cat money.

Naturally, I put this down to fantasy, but this proved to be only the beginning.

Soon, I started to notice money going from my wallet, £5 here, £10 there. I suspected my children, but they declared their innocence again.

It was one night when I came down stairs to get a drink of water, that I heard voices. Opening the door, I found the cat sat on the chair in front of the computer. It had removed it's head and it was in fact a midget wearing a cat costume. He had taken my credit card from my wallet and was gambling online.

I immediately confronted him about this and he confessed everything.

He had been stealing money from my wallet, using my credit cards, taking photos of my wife, attacking the children, everything.

I am now thinking of having him neutered, but the vet has refused to help.

Where do I stand legally on this?

For those who are not aware of what a 'Secret Santa' is, its where you put your name into a hat at work, then you pull a name out of the hat, and then you buy them a Christmas gift up to a certain value. It's a great idea, and in the previous job, the office have had a lot of fun with it.

This year, I changed jobs in the summer and now work at a small conservative law firm. I find the place quite restrictive and the people in the place are quiet and knuckle down hard to their work. The only exception to this is at lunch time where the women in the office decide to go one of the rooms upstairs for a chat and a coffee.

One day, I decided to eat my lunch upstairs, and sat in a corner reading a Stephen King book (which wasnt that good) and eating my sandwiches.

Whilst there, there's a woman called Melissa who is fairly attractive in a Goldie Hawn way, I heard her chatting away to her work friends about a book they were all reading, called 50 shades of Grey. Anything had to be better than this Stephen King book, so I bought a copy on the way home that evening, Quite frankly, the Stephen King book was actually better.

Anyway, low and behold, last week I pulled her name out of the hat for the Secret Santa game.

I decided to actually put some thought into the present and, remembering that she liked this book, I went out and bought her a nice little box, filled with a few knick-knacks appropriate to her reading material. Nothing much, just a pair of stocking, a vibrator (with batteries) and ball gag and blindfold. Pretty tame stuff compared to the book.

Along comes Monday and I leave the box on her desk, beautifully gift wrapped.

Perhaps on reflection, I shouldn't have installed the batteries int the vibrator, because on Wednesday as she shook the box it started to buzz, and buzzed for a very long time. I had bought some proper batteries, and not the cheap ones that you normally get with these things.

Thursday afternoon, I get called into the managers office, Sat down with some serious looking senior managers and then sent home, on suspension, pending a full inquiry into sexual harassment in the work place.

I have been informed that it may be in my best interest to write a formal letter of apology, and to consider seeking employment elsewhere.

As pondered what to write, Melissa called round. She called me various names, each and every one of them insulting and demeaning, before slapping me so hard that I fell to the floor. As I was about to get up, she pounced on me again, and demanded sex, which although I refused, she got.

I'm confused. Do I still have to write the letter of apology? I couldn't ask Melissa last night as she made me wear the ballgag.

I notice that there has been quite a few doomsday prophecies for close to the end of this year, and they've been ridiculed and, for at least the majority, they are nothing more than the usual doomsayers.

But I'm not sure how these things come about. Obviously 1 person gets this information and then has to impart it to others. How does this happen?

The reason I ask, is that this morning my Breville Toasted sandwich maker, informed me that the word will end on Tuesday 14 May 2013. Normally, my kitchen appliances are quite mute on the point of the destruction of the world, except the tumble dryer but no one listens to that any more. So why would I listen to my sandwich maker? It's been a good toaster, it was accurate about Obama's re-election and it claims to have been speaking to Nostradamus the French apothecary and reputed seer. It didn’t bother about the using clever little rhymes like Monsieur de Nostredame did, but simply said the destruction of the Earth is a dead cert.

Obviously, this news is a bit annoying as it means I won’t have time to take my summer holiday. I asked how it was going to happen, and it said that the world will just implode, and crush itself down to around the size of a peach.

So there you go. Book very early for your summer holiday next year.

Imparted with this great burden of knowledge, how do I now pass this onto the masses? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and eat my toasted cheese sandwich?

I am currently trying to be a super villain, and was looking for helpful pointers.

I’ve adopted a lovely English, Home counties accent, with not the slightest trace of Cockney remaining. I was thinking of having a scar across one eye, but perhaps that is going too far.

Obviously gadgets will play a good part in my crusade for world domination, so I have equipped my 1998 Skoda Fabia with 2 catapults firing marbles to the front, and a supersoaker water pistol that can easily be modified to fire oil to pursuing spies, or even be equipped with a lighter to make a fairly reasonable flame thrower (although being made of plastic, this may have some substantial design flaws)

Living in England has a created a few other issues, like getting the women who work for me to dress in bikinis. Last night there was a severe frost on the lawn, and the Mrs, normally quite supportive of my plans for World Domination, refused to walk around the back garden in the small 2 piece.

The local council, have been unhelpful in granting planning permissions for super weapons, missile silos, anti-satellite lasers and even an underground base of operations. Saying this though, they have quite liked the idea of the large shark tank and have asked for further details.

Due to this restrictive planning permission, a certain Mr Fred Delaney of Rochdale council will be the first to sample the shark tank, upon successful completion.

Currently, the secret headquarters is temporarily located to the partially converted attic. This has proved quite acceptable for now, because of instead of the pain of installing trap doors, steel slides and watery ends, spies only have to step on the bits between the beams before crashing to their doom or at least a badly twisted ankle.

Quite frankly, the whole situation is proving problematic - Henchmen not turning up, seductive vixens not being nearly seductive enough, the explosives license being turned down, the super computer not running Windows 7, it’s no wonder these super villains become psychopaths!

Any help would be gladly appreciated.

I've known my friend for over 30 years now, so you think you'd think I'd know him quite well, but recently I found out I didnt. He's unemployed and short of cash, he's a good heart and is always helping everyone out in anyway best that he can.

I went round to his house to see if he fancied coming out for a few beers. I was about to ring the bell when I noticed that the curtains had a slight parting in them. Thinking of scaring him with the ghostly face at the window, I pressed my face to the glass and raised my hand to bang on the window.

What I saw shocked me. My friend was dressed in a full 1940s SS uniform, and was goosestepping around his front room, whilst on a large brand new TV was a black and white footage of Hitler at the one his rallies, belting out some his usual German stuff. Naturally I was shocked.

I couldnt remove my face from the window, and his charade continued, right up to the point where they were all shouting 'Seek Heil' and my friend was standing staring at the TV in full pose, arm raised shouting along with them.

This is totally out of character for him, as normally he's watching Discovery channel or similar when I call round. After he paused the program, I decided to tap on the window. His face was full of shock and what I had witnessed, and a few minutes, reluctantly he let me in.

He explained that he had bought the DVD from a 2nd hand sale, and the uniform. I asked him about why he was wearing it, and he at first said his wife had told him to wear it and she was upstairs at the moment, putting on her Eva Braun outfit. I pointed out that his wife's car wasnt there.

He got a little afraid at this point, and said that it was away for repairs, before coming clean and saying she wasnt home.

My friend then went on to say that there was no difference between this, and when we watched the Pink Floyd DVD a couple of months back and we both sat in front of the TV watching along, waving our lighters in the air.

I was a little dubious about this explanation, but we went out for a few beers and he refused to talk any more of it, saying I wouldnt understand.

I'm worried about my friend, as this is totally of his character! He can't afford to buy a brand new TV and I fear he may have over stretched his budget!

I work late at night in a petrol station (or gas station to you Americans)

After about 3am its quiet, so I have nothing much to do

I find myself more and more watching the security camera screen and observing myself on it. Watching it closely, I've noticed that I've started to do things of which I wouldnt normally do.

For 30 minutes the other day I found myself staring at the camera to see if I could outstare it.

Am I going mad?

I'm an avid Warcraft player.

Unti recently I've been playing alongside this amazing Warlock. She is amazing.

We've met when we were both level40, and just upgraded to our riding speeds. We began to battle together, fighting through dungeons, realms and quests, me the Rogue, her the Warlock, back to back. We've now progressed to level 75 and the other night we're questing through Northrend, when I let slip that I was falling in love with her.

This didnt go well with the guy who was controlling her and now he has ignored me.

I'm worried. Does this make me gay or that I prefer men dressed as women?

I'm really confused!

This is mainly aimed at the UK Yahooers.

With the recent US Presidential elections, all I've heard on facebook and in all the media is Obama Obama Obama. Romney is wrong and shouldnt be running etc

The thing I find so weird is that no-one has mentioned what Romney's policies were, that were so despicable that people were against him. We hear it in the news about his gaffes, his comments etc

For the same reasons, I havent heard anyone mention what is so great about Obama. Amamzingly, not one report have I seen on facebook about his gaffes or his comments

But, what we did get was that it was a close run thing, that at some points they were pretty much neck and neck in the race.

If it was such a close run thing, and again this is mainly for the UK audience, and not the US, why were you set against Romney?

This is purely a puzzler, so please dont think that by googling their policies now will make you seem any better, you'd be cheating yourself only.

Can you name, WITHOUT GOOGLING, any of Mitt Romney's or Barack Obama's policies?

If you can't, then you should be asking yourself, why you were so set on them

I've been having some very unusual dreams of places I have never visited, and more importantly times that I could not possibly be there.

To sum up, I think I could be the infamous Whitechapel Murderer, Jack the Ripper.

I've certainly not witnessed my time travelling alter ego actually killing people and in my present form I have no interest in harming anyone, but I do have a genuine feeling of being chased by Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson across late 19th century Old London Town. Sherlock Holmes looks remarkably like Christopher Plummer.

I have been to the local police station, but they arent too interested in my version of events.

Am I guilty?

I bought a Nissan Primera off ebay in March of this year, a 2008 model. It came really well equipped with plenty of technology. What I liked, compared to my old Micra, is that it gave plenty of information and instructions, like coolant levels low, or warnings about icy conditions. The gentleman I bought it from seemed very eager to sell it, and perhaps that should have rang some warning bells. I contracted an AA vehicle inspection, and everything came up clean.

After 2 months of pleasant driving, I noticed I started to get warnings about the battery. Since I consider myself a dab hand at car mechanics, I bought a replacement battery and disconnected the previous, and installed the new one. The power was off to the car for around 15 minutes whilst I prepared everything. Once it was installed, I restarted all the features, and input the codes for the onboard computer. After an hours driving I received a message on the console that simply read 'AR5E' . A press of a button and the screen went back to the standard GPS screen. I thought nothing more of this.

The it began to happen on regular basis. I'd get in, turn the key and the computer screen would say 'AR5E', and again I'd press the button to clear the screen.

I tried phoning the man I bought the car off, but he refuses to comment on this issue. I have also tried to take it to a local Nissan dealer. They inspected the system and could find no fault, and claimed never to have heard of such a fault. I checked google thinking it might be an acronym, but I couldn't find an error code online regarding 'AR5E'

I decided to cover the screen with card, but this just seem to agitate the car and it began to play techno music at full volume until the card was removed. A message came up warning me against doing that again, threatening to drive me into a brick wall at 80mph.

Frustrated, I disconnected the battery again, and resolved myself to not entering the codes. This worked until I drove along the motorway, when the message popped up “You remember what I said about a brickwall?”

It's started to happen more often now, and I'm worried that my car's computer is becoming self aware. Messages are popping up on the screen at regular intervals, usually obscene, racist or pointing out people I’m passing at the time, especially women. I can't afford to sell my car at the moment, and the swearing and comments are beginning to frankly get on my nerves.

I wish I hadn’t sold my old Micra now, which only had a small fault of quoting from the Book of Revelations.

I am pretty open to suggestions on how to deal with this as I am at my wits end!

Since the age of 12, I have been visited by aliens in my bedroom at least once a month.

These are the types of aliens that you know from popular media. I wish they wasn't. They are cold, grey and emotionless. To a 12 year old, when one of these 'things' is looming over your bed, staring into your soul; it is the stuff beyond nightmares.

I am now at the age of 42, and I find these beings still abducting me. Some people think its an invite, a welcoming. But its not. Sometimes I am pulled from my bed and dragged from the room. Other times, I go willingly rather than being pulled.

They seldom speak. Instead I am, for no better word, processed. I normally have a skin sample taken, a small amount of blood sometimes, and a hair sample. I am poked and prodded by their tools, all with no explanation given. When they have spoken to me, it always to tell me things; they never answer questions. Things I have been told, often make no sense, and they seem to be jumbled up words as if trying to communicate. Each time though, there seems to be a little more meaning, as if they are zeroing in on what they are talking about, but the answers still seem vague, unobtainable.

The last experience was almost a month ago, so I am expecting to be taken again soon. Last time was different though. After I was processed, I was taken to an anti-chamber, a room I had never been to before. One of the beings stood before me, staring at me for several minutes. There was no talking, not even a feeling of attempted communication. A second being arrived carrying what looked like a baby. The 1st being pointed at me, then at the baby. I think, obviously, it was telling me that this was mine, my child to these things. It looked mainly like them, but there were human features, like the blue eyes and the thin blonde, almost white hair.

I know I am to be abducted again soon, I'm hoping to see 'child' again, to somehow let it know that it has a father, a human father, that can show it emotions and what it is to be human.

Where do I stand legally on this? I was thinking of obtaining getting a solicitor demanding visitation rights

My wife of 22 years sadly passed away last week. My whole life has been slowly grinding to a halt. People keep calling asking me if I'm OK and if I'm coping and I always smile best I can and say I'm OK and try and move things on

22 years with someone, so long and it feels like not long enough. I remember when we moved in together. Our first purchase was a brand new Ford Escort. H reg and in blue, her favourite colour. We always drove everywhere in it, and though it's had its problems over the years, we kept it.

This morning we held her funeral, and it was well attended. I thanked everyone for coming and then got in my car.

When I turned the key there was no response and I just broke down and started crying. I'm a grown man, I should not cry about such things, but I think that perhaps its the solenoid, but could it be a fault with the ignition switch?

I've been preparing for the end of the world for the last 4 years after reading Zecharia Sitchin. I've sold pretty much all my possessions and have been star gazing trying to figure out where Nibiru is coming in from.

I recently heard that the entire story is now "false" and its not going to happen

Does anyone else know of any more doomsday prediction or I'm going to look a total plebb!

A few years ago, one of my relatives died and left me an abandoned silver mine in their will.

I know they had the best intentions when they did this, but it has caused me nothing but grief and I have been unable to sell it.

Resolved to owning this, I decided to set up a cabin near the mine as it the area is quite picturesque, and this is when the problems got worse.

It started off first with some low rumbling noises late at night, and I figured that it was perhaps some cave in's from the mine below. I decided to investigate, and was quite surprised to see a monster claiming to be Quezacotl, the ancient deity and legendary ruler of the Toltec people of Ancient Mexico. At the time I didn’t bother questioning the fact that I live in Derbyshire, England which is several thousand miles from Mexico, although there is Chiquitos restaurant in Derby several miles away who make a very nice Aztec Jambalaya, but I digress.

Mr Quezacotl then proceeded to chase me out of the mine screaming at me to 'begone' and to 'never return' and again I didn't bother to question why he was speaking such good English as I automatically presumed it was all to do with being an ancient deity.

Shortly afterwards a group of teenagers arrived in a van. They assured me that they had dealt with this type of infestation before and that everything was in their hands now. I shrugged, and figured this was all above board and left them to work.

Annoyingly, I found 2 of the group, some scruffy youth and his dog eating the contents of my refrigerator at 2 O'clock in the morning - Upon asking him what in blue blazes they were doing I was told 'f**k off Granddad'. I was about to close the refrigerator door when, his dog decided to growl menacingly, so I decided to head to bed, and install a lock first thing in the morning.

I was woken at 6am by the sound of what I can only describe as overly loud chase music, and gazed out of the window to see the same youth and his menacing dog being chased by Mr Quezacotl around the grounds. I can only presume that they had decided to raid Mr Quezacotl's fridge as well! Obviously this gave me a new light on Mexican deities and I decided to have a word with him later on.

Taking a torch, I descended into the old silver mine and was shocked to discover that one of the ladies from the group was hog-tied in one of the adjoining caverns. Obviously, this was some sort of hi-jinx by the group and taking various photos of her in different positions, for purely research purposes, I decided that I would leave her where she was.

I left Mr Quezacotl a polite note explaining that he was quite welcome to live in the mine, but if he would like to pop up for a coffee and a chat every now and again, he was certainly more than welcome.

Later on as I was preparing my lunch, there was an almighty crash outside, and I came outside to find the group of youths, surrounding Mr Quezacotl, beating him with planks and pick axe handles. I immediately phoned the police. When they arrived, they pulled the head of Mr Quezacotl to reveal a gentleman who lives down the road, who the locals refer to as Old Man Smithers, who was gainfully employed as security at the abandoned amusement park, just off the A6. The youths told the police that they had caught Mr Smither's stealing silver from the mine and provided them with some elaborate plot.

Anyway, this all occurred several months ago, and I tried to put the whole incident behind me.

This morning I received a bill from a firm called 'Mystery Inc.' who are charging me £12,746 plus VAT for a ‘routine investigation and exercising a class 4 demon/deity’. I have called the Manager, Fred Jones and was told that I must have agreed to this, when I let the team investigate. I explained everything that went on and that the dog had repeatedly defecated all over my prize tulips. Mr Jones went on to tell me that if I don't settle the invoice within 7 days, he would be round to collect the money 'one way or another'

I was wondering where do I stand on this legally? I have tried phoning BBC Watchdog, but was told that there was little that they could do about this as it was not in their field of expertise to investigate anything relating to Ancient Mexican Gods. Apparently if Mr Quezacotl had been from Brazil they could have helped!