ponk43

If you were going down the road in your canoe, and the wheel falls off, how many pancakes would it take to shingle a dog house?

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the winner from last years russian roulette championship.

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..................you get reposessed!

i do not breathe,

I run and jump.

i do not eat,

i swim and stretch.

i do not drink,

i sleep and stand.

i do not think,

i grow and play.

i do not see,

yet you see me everyday...

...what am i?

I NEED STARS!

A ball is thrown off the roof of a 100 foot tall building, every time the ball hits the ground it bounces back up half of the distance. How many times will the ball hit the ground before it stops bouncing?

Gimme some stars if I made your brain hurt...

Friday, Saturday or Sunday?

I wrote the numbers from 300 to 400 on a piece of paper. How many times did I write the number 3?

Two hunters are in the woods on a cool fall morning. Suddenly, one of the hunters collapses to the ground! He stops breathing and his eyes glaze over. Immediately the other hunter grabs his cell phone and calls 911. The 911 operator answers and the hunter yells, "You gotta help me, my friend is dead what do I do?"

"Settle down sir, I am here to help. First of all you need to make sure that he is dead before we take any drastic measures, okay sir?" says the 911 operator.

"okay..." says the hunter. Then there is a long pause...

"BANG"

The hunter get back on the phone. "Now what?"

Spell out the numbers starting with "one", "two","three" and so on...

How far would you have to go until you find the letter "a"?

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...Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Two brothers walk into the pharmacy, one boy is seven, the other is five. They walk down every aisle taking there time and looking at everything. After about thirty minutes or so they finally pick an item and for the cashier, from around the corner comes the manager, "you boys need help with anything?" "no thank you" the boys replied. The manager looks into the seven year olds hands and says, "What do you have there boy?"

"Tampons" said the seven year old.

"Are you getting those for your mother?" the manager asks.

"No sir these are for my little brother, he's only five." the boy replies.

"Why on earth would your five year old brother need tampons?" the manager asked.

"Well sir, we seen this commercial on t.v. and it said if we had these you could ride a bike and even go swimming! And like i said he's only five sir he can't do neither right now."

Her dog was blind too...

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Move the furniture...

or, Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips...

A bear walks into a bar in Boise. The bear sits down and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says that they don't serve beer to bears in Boise. The bear asks the bartender again for a beer in the bar in Boise. The bartender replies that they just don't serve beer to bears in Boise. By now the bear is angry, he gets up and bangs his paws on the bar, bares his teeth and says BARTENDER GIVE ME A BEER OR I WILL EAT THAT WOMAN SITTING AT THE END OF THE BAR! The bartender looks at the bear and says I'm sorry but we just don't serve beer to bears in this bar in Boise. The bear gets up, walks to the end of the bar and eats the woman! The bear walks back to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, I'm sorry we don't serve beer to drug addicts. The bear looks at the bartender confused and asked what he was talking about. Well, the bartender says to the bear, that was a bar ***** you ate...

One is a hanky store, the other is a stanky whore...

...thank you, i will be here all evening. don't forget to tip the waitress.

their names were Quarter, Dime, Nickel, and ?