I need advice about my 24 yr old daughter and her life?
My beautiful 24 year-old daughter had an emotional break-up with her boyfriend of 3 years in July. Since that time she has spent most nights with friends hanging out at bars. She is losing her job in two weeks when the business closes and has no other job lined up. She will not be able to pay her rent and other bills, but she seems to be almost frantic about going out every night to drink and party with these friends. I am worried about how she will get by. Can anyone help me understand what I need to do or say to get her to accept some responsibility for her choice of activities? By the age of 24 she should have grown out of the bar and party scene. She has no plans or goals for the future. She dropped out of college so she has no higher education. Please help me understand what to do.
Please give serious answers only.
Cobra2006-10-13T18:24:03Z
Favorite Answer
Tuff love, and stand your ground. but be ready to catch her when she does fall. sometimes they have to learn the hard way. as sad as that sounds, but l will also include this...
I said a prayer for you today And know God must have heard- I felt the answer in my heart Although He spoke no word! I didn't ask for wealth or fame (I knew you wouldn't mind)- I asked Him to send you treasures Of a far more lasting kind! I asked that He'd be near you At the start of each new day To grant you health and blessings And my friendship to share your way! I asked for happiness for you In all things great and small- But it was for His loving care I prayed the most of all!
She's trying to "drown her sorrows" due to the break-up and thinking that going out is the solution which is not. Chances are she'll get into trouble if she continues these activities. We parents worry a lot about our kids but there are times when we seem so helpless especially when they are already of age and have a mind of their own.
You could try to have a serious talk with her about the situation. Invite her to your home often or make frequent visits to her apartment. Try to get her interest on other things that will occupy her mind. Most of all, be her friend by being supportive and understanding. It really will not help if you get angry with her coz that will only alienate her more. Pray and pray hard. God works miracles and what man cannot do, God is fully capable of doing.
My brother is almost 26 and doing the bar thing every night too. He started when his girlfriend died about 5 years ago and still hasnt stopped. Its his way of getting rid of the pain. That may be one reason your daughter has taken up drinking. It makes her problems go away for a while. You have to be supportive and encouraging, but let her know you dont like her drinking and being irresponsible. Remind her that with no job, she cant afford to buy food, clothes, pay bills, etc. Eventually she has to come back to the real world and deal with the things she's trying to avoid. I hope evrything works out for her.
Oh, what a hard question. Every answer I came up with was basically useless. "Talk to her, ask her about her budget, ask her friends yada yada".. none of them seemed to solve the problem.
So, (1) I assume she's a smart girl and this is abnormal behavior for her. In which case, can you get her away for some time? This is not great advice, but I just thought if you could get her away on vacation somewhere where she couldn't ignore what was happening anymore and away from her friends, she might have to think about what was happening in her life. Someplace without cell phone reception. Do you have, or know anyone with a cottage? Maybe you could volunteer to help them close it up for the season. (I know, probably not what you were looking for, but it's a really hard question.)
Also, if she saw part of her sense of self as being part of a couple, she may need reminding what a wonderful person she is by herself. Maybe a hug and a reminder of how proud you are of her would help. (Again, lame, but looking back on my life, those were the moments that seemed to help me turn it around when I lost faith in myself - that unconditional love from my mom)
You need to understand that people who are in/just out of college tend to go to bars to cope with their problems. If you don't like the idea of a place to go and drink and get trashed, then tell the bartenders stories about your life that nobody cares about, you need to do some reading on coping mechanisms of youths. She's losing her job -- big deal. Give her $400 and tell her to go to a bartending school, that way she can work AT a bar, killing two birds with one stone. If you knew how many people break up with college lovers (yes, lover, deal with it) after a few years...
Give her space to do whatever she wants. It's her life, let her fck it up however she wants. Tell me you didn't do ANYTHING wrong with your life, that you have no regrets, and I'll call you Jesus Christ. She can always take classes at the local community college, but if you pay her way through that I'll disown you, son. If she's dropping out of school and doing her own thing, she sure as hell better be paying her own bills.
The one thing I'm thankful of that my parents did for me, was they let me drink as much as I wanted in high school and college, they let me go wherever I wanted, they let me do WHATEVER I wanted when I was there -- as long as I could pay the bills at the end of the month and still maintain a "healthy" professional and social lifestyle. I went to college and got a degree for communications, which means you have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. I'm working for a huge firm in NYC right now. If you don't like your daughter's choice of action, tell her about it, but don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to -- let her drink until she's got to get a new liver, if that's what she wants. Give her space to be an adult -- it's probably why she isn't acting like a grownup anyways, is because you never gave that to her when she was in HS and college.
Accept the fact that your daughter isn't you, and learn to love her for what she is and what she does.
Her next boyfriend's going to have to, anyways.
FROM MARTIN: "Usually excessive drinking at that age is a sign of alcoholism, and the recent breakup is triggering a phase of heavy drinking. People who are addicted will turn to their addiction in times of crisis. If she had a food problem, she would be eating, since she has an alcohol problem, she's drinking. The fact that she is doing it with the consequences of losing her apartment is a classic sign of addiction. Doing something and ignoring the consequences is the hallmark of addiction. She needs AA. "
Open your eyes. Just because you frequent a bar doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. That's just about the most closed-minded statement I've ever heard... excepting for what the Republican party dishes out.